Kevin's Watch

I am NOT frigging WELSH! And nor was this friendly lady.

I have a migraine and had to leave an inservice meeting 4 hours early. I am wearing sunglasses in a dark room on a rainy day and drinking lots of tea (I've had 6 cups already).

CovenantJr wrote:I am NOT frigging WELSH! And nor was this friendly lady.

My apologies as an ignorant American. But she wasn't surly? Then I don't quite understand how she sounded like you.

She spoke with unnecessary precision, and enquired after my potential continued interest in a very roundabout way. (I do that a lot. I hate asking for numbers/dates/etc).

So, great minds of Kevin's Watch, I pose you a conundrum: what do you do when the nice (plus intelligent, funny and astonishingly pretty) girl you met the other night (who also thought you were a nice enough guy to offer you her phone number) lives four hours away? The opportunities for normal meeting up for drinks/food/ice cream/tennis/whatever are inhibited by distance.

Think, Watchers, think. (I hate this dating crap. Gah!)

In other news, no confrontation has happened between my housemates yet. It's getting to be quite frustrating. I might just blow things up myself.

CovenantJr wrote:So, great minds of Kevin's Watch, I pose you a conundrum: what do you do when the nice (plus intelligent, funny and astonishingly pretty) girl you met the other night (who also thought you were a nice enough guy to offer you her phone number) lives four hours away? The opportunities for normal meeting up for drinks/food/ice cream/tennis/whatever are inhibited by distance.

Think, Watchers, think. (I hate this dating crap. Gah!)

never let geography sink a potential relationship. many of the greatest most fullfilling relationships in history were long distance. I think in this day of immediate gratification we have come to expect immediate results.

take the time to get to know each other .........write long letters, have long conversations on the phone, share intimacy without being intimate physically.......THEN find a half way point and meet. You drive two hours and she drives two hours and spend the day together, learn about each other, what you two like in common, what you dont have in common.

here is my point, if you were living in the same town, people would advise you to go slowly, get to know each other, so the only real difference (right now) is a long drive once a week. Maybe the fact that most relationships are geographically close can be a hinderance in a way, too much contact, to much "in your face" (a jersey favorite term) can be a turnoff in many relationships.

If and when things get more serious, when you get to that 'next level', then you reexamine the situation. One of my therapists long ago said to me that I tend to cross the bridge before I even get to it or decide I would never be able to cross it and give up. Dont be like me. Take one day at a time, and don't sabotage yourself with imagined impossibilities.

CovenantJr wrote:So, great minds of Kevin's Watch, I pose you a conundrum: what do you do when the nice (plus intelligent, funny and astonishingly pretty) girl you met the other night (who also thought you were a nice enough guy to offer you her phone number) lives four hours away? The opportunities for normal meeting up for drinks/food/ice cream/tennis/whatever are inhibited by distance.

Think, Watchers, think. (I hate this dating crap. Gah!)

Wow, I have run into this several times myself. Here is what I have done in the past. First you talk on the phone a lot, meet her in public places that are kinda dark a few times, then when things are going fairly well, you meet at a hotel and anesthetize her and steal her kidney. That way, you can always have a part of her with you. Be sure to study up enough that you can perform this without killing the poor dear, and that you always use a fake name.

So when is the next Denver meetup, guys?

Seriously, between myself and others, I have never seen a long distance relationship work unless you can bridge the gap a little. Typically after the first or second bump in the road, someone will decide it isn't worth the bother anymore and moves on. However, four hours isn't terribly far in the scheme of things, as you could drive it on completely free and open days, and still drive back home. It also gives more leeway for having a sleepover. And if you meet in between, will cut the time down considerably, and nobody will have the advantage of home ground. But as the guy, you'd probably want to make the full drive more often, if you can.
Long distance relationships are a little more intense due to the fact that you can't get together every day, and have great reason for not doing so. The pining is intense and agonizing, but the payoff of seeing the person is much nicer, typically. After my first few, I have avoided these like the plague though, as the difficulty level is increased. I used to think of that as a challenge that I, Cagliostro, would overcome, because I am just a great guy. Which usually meant I got my ass dumped when the other person wasn't willing to rise to the challenge. But you may have much more success than I, or any of my friends.

Yeah, I've done the long distance thing before, but this is the first time I've been in a position where I've only spoken to the girl for an hour. Hmm.

It's not disastrous if I can't pull it off. We both admitted on the night that we'll probably end up meeting just that one time. Still, we clearly both thought there was a slender chance. Hmm, maybe I should speak to the mutual friend who introduced us (though she didn't do so with an ulterior motive).

I agree that I should speak to this girl more, but I feel kind of weird just suddenly calling her. I have a deeply ingrained fear of having nothing to talk about (which is ironic really, since one of the big reasons I wanted to meet her again is because I was so comfortable with her). Aaaaanyway...

I thought when I was 19 that this stuff would get easier with practice. The solutions would be more obvious. Nine years on, it's still just as much a pain in the ass as it ever was. Bah. Why do we bother?

Cj, do you have any other information to use to contact her other than a phone number? Or could your mutual friend supply you with another method?

email or messenger may be easier than voice communication to start off with...

CovenantJr wrote:I agree that I should speak to this girl more, but I feel kind of weird just suddenly calling her. I have a deeply ingrained fear of having nothing to talk about (which is ironic really, since one of the big reasons I wanted to meet her again is because I was so comfortable with her). Aaaaanyway...

I thought when I was 19 that this stuff would get easier with practice. The solutions would be more obvious. Nine years on, it's still just as much a pain in the ass as it ever was. Bah. Why do we bother?

Actually, if you do call her and find you have nothing to talk about, then that might make it a bit easier in deciding if you want to keep pursuing it. And if you are charmed by her despite that, then that's ok too. With this starting off with a strike against it working, let it put you at ease that if it doesn't work out, it's no big deal. If you make a complete ass out of yourself, at least you won't have to make that 4 hour drive. Keep that in mind and let it relax you. You might never see her again anyway, so you've got nothing to prove. But if something does become of it, how wonderful, right?

This never gets easier no matter the age. When I started dating again at 37, I felt even more of a clumsy oaf than I was early on in my dating. Mainly because I was in a bad place and wasn't completely ready to start dating, but also because I'm no longer the pretty boy I used to be, financially I was heading toward bankrupcy, and psychologically I was kinda screwed up by some things the ex had said to me that she later said were not true.
That first "date" was a disaster. Her friends "spontaneously" showed up in the middle after she took a trip to the bathroom, and sat down with us, increasing my tension that much more. She had left her kid with her mom, so after that tragedy, we walked back to her mom's and picked up her kid. I stayed and talked to her mom for hours afterward. We had a great talk. What does that say about a date....when you get along with her mom so much better than you do your date? Absolutely the Hindenberg of dates. She invited me to some hair show that she was doing the next week, and I showed up, felt already weird about things, realized I'd made a mistake, and left almost immediately after arriving. I thankfully haven't seen or heard from her since, although she is the sister of my friend's longterm girlfriend, so I hope they never get married or I'll probably have to see her again.
I did meet Carla the next month or two after that, so it all worked out.

Cagliostro wrote:

CovenantJr wrote:I agree that I should speak to this girl more, but I feel kind of weird just suddenly calling her. I have a deeply ingrained fear of having nothing to talk about (which is ironic really, since one of the big reasons I wanted to meet her again is because I was so comfortable with her). Aaaaanyway...

I thought when I was 19 that this stuff would get easier with practice. The solutions would be more obvious. Nine years on, it's still just as much a pain in the ass as it ever was. Bah. Why do we bother?

Actually, if you do call her and find you have nothing to talk about, then that might make it a bit easier in deciding if you want to keep pursuing it. And if you are charmed by her despite that, then that's ok too. With this starting off with a strike against it working, let it put you at ease that if it doesn't work out, it's no big deal. If you make a complete ass out of yourself, at least you won't have to make that 4 hour drive. Keep that in mind and let it relax you. You might never see her again anyway, so you've got nothing to prove.

You're right. Bad conversation = elimination.

Here's a strange piece of advice that a friend gave me once upon a time. I would never do this as I never touch that part of my body, even when I'm having a piss, but - have a wank before a first phone call/first date. It will relax you a bit, and keep your mind off that aspect for a bit.

You never heard this from me.

The really complicated part of long-distance relationships and, in my opinion, the most dangerous, is that when you're talking on the phone, the messenger, or even driving to see each other, you're seeing the other person at their best (and they're seeing you at your best). There's a certain amount of this in dating locally, but not like long-distance.

You're never moving past the part where you never see a hair out of place, or the pile of dirty clothes in the bedroom because once you get to this natural part of dating, you're talking about moving in to be closer, or the other person is relocating, or you're relocating to be closer. And then once you see all the little things that may not be right for you (especially negative personality aspects that may clash with you), you've changed your entire life to be near this person.

I've done several long-distance relationships. Each time I wonder why I do it then I remember that I'm a hopeless romantic. But looking back, I can tell you that it helps to be more practical about it.

What do you want to happen out of this? What do you see happening?

Kaydene wrote:What do you want to happen out of this? What do you see happening?

I have no idea. I'm trying not to complicate things.

Just call her. You are an intelligent charming funny guy. Stop overthinking things and just do it.

What she said. ^^

Overthinking is the bane of us all.

--A

Cameraman Jenn wrote:Just call her. You are an intelligent charming funny guy. Stop overthinking things and just do it.

Good grief. I'm a bumbling idiot. Just calling would never work.

The mutual friend said "you're a nice guy and she deserves a nice guy". Then "and in a bizarre sort of way, I think you're quite similar." Followed by, alarmingly, "call her now. Right now."

I hate this crap. I should be a hermit. Bloody people and their bloody complexity. Things should be easy.

[/diary entry]

Mutual friend is right. Call her soonest. Be a bumbling idiot, if that's how it must be -- although I am confident you will be fine.

The worst possible outcome for both of you is for there to be no further contact. There was a spark. You're thinking of her. She is likely to have thought of you, may be thinking of you *now* and wondering if she was wrong about you, since you have not called. Do it!

Damn your wisdom! Ah crap. Alright. I'll need a cup of tea handy if I'm going to do this.