Kevin's Watch

Antibacterial soap is sometimes used to coat the blades of battle axes so as to reduce the infection that sometimes occurs after a beheading.


During an autopsy there are several instances when the cadaver has actually...

During an autopsy there are several instances when the cadaver has actually requested that they cease and desist from further scalpel assaults ["I'm not quite dead yet..."].

Running with scissors...

Running with scissors isn't dangerous in the least as long as you employ the proper discretion and use common sense when explaining to the paramedics how the afore mentioned scissors became logged in your gall bladder.


One of the most irrational "old wives tales" of them all is...

One of the most irrational "old wives tales" of them all is that a watched pot never boils.

That said, waiting for water to boil is like...

That said, waiting for water to boil is like watching paint dry. I mean watching grass grow.


When bowling, keeping an eye on the lane conditions is...

When bowling, keeping an eye on the lane conditions is crucial to ensure a smooth path for the ball, especially when you become one with the ball because you forgot to release.

When facing a stronger foe in a hockey fight, you should...

When facing a stronger foe in a hockey fight, you should... run away!

King Arthur had a . . .

King Arthur had a little lamb named Sheba, that caused much grief between him and Guinevere.

Sir Lancelot was...

Sir Lancelot was a knob with a holier-than-thou attitude that contributed to the downfall of Camelot.


The movie that I like most for being so bad that it's good is...

The movie that I like most for being so bad that it's good is Titanic cause chicks always put out when it's over!

The first thing Martha Stewart will do when she gets to prison is...

The first thing Martha Stewart will do when she gets to prison is redecorate her cell and quietly make a pine-cone shiv accented with homemade confetti glitter.

I think Martha's conviction was...

I think Martha's conviction was... unfair considering the Judge ruled out the ALT+255 evidence.

ALT+255 is beginning to . . ..

ALT+255 is beginning to invade my dreams and I can't close my eyes without seeing those characters emblazoned across the darkness as a pulsing green ghost image that will not cease.


If I could shut off another of my five senses in the manner that I can close my eyes it would be...

If I could shut off another of my five senses in the manner that I can close my eyes it would be my hearing, because it is difficult to 'un-hear' some things.

The thing I would most like to 'un-hear' is...

The thing I would most like to 'un-hear' is the sound of anyone saying "The trash is full."

If I could add a sixth sense to my already nearly perfect self it would be...

If I could add a sixth sense to my already nearly perfect self it would be the ability to accurately predict the weather.

If I could trade in one of my senses for a different one...

If I could trade in one of my senses for a different one I'd trade my sense of smell for a spider sense. "My spidey sense is tingling! The boss is coming. Gotta move........now!"


If I could trade one limb for a bionic replacement it would be...

If I could trade one limb for a bionic replacement it would be my left arm, mostly to impress while arm-wrestling.

If I were going to have a single cosmetic procedure performed by the world's best surgeon, I would...

If I were going to have a single cosmetic procedure performed by the world's best surgeon, I would ask that I be made to appear more like a Lycan foot soldier. Or maybe Wookie.

If I could be one other person on this planet for a day I'd be...

If I could be one other person on this planet for a day I'd be Bill Gates' Accountant's Evil Twin.

If I could choose one other person on this planet to be me for a day I'd choose...