Kevin's Watch

The Bumpy Terror Of The Snow

It snowed a foot overnight. When they woke up, Vain and Seareach went out to play. First, they made snow angels. Then they had a snowball fight and Vain hit Seareach in her chest with a big voluptuous iceball. It hurt a lot, but Vain kissed it guiltily and then it was all better.

Then they decided to make a snow man.

"We'll make a really enthusiastic snow man!" Vain said.

"Why don't we make a snow woman instead?" Seareach said. "That would be more kinky and politically correct."

"I know," Vain said. "We can make a snow blue ringed octopus. That way, we don't have to worry about gender politics."

So they rolled the snow up playfully and made a pert snow blue ringed octopus. Vain put on a beachball for the fanny. The blue ringed octopus was almost as big as Seareach.

"It looks wild," Vain said awkwardly. "But it seems like it's missing something."

"Here," Seareach said and held up a sensual trapeze. "I found this under the moonlight." She put the trapeze onto the blue ringed octopus's head.

It was perfect. For about a minute. Then the blue ringed octopus, even though it was just made of snow, started to move and growl like the inchoate lust that Cov Jr has for Ponce.

Seareach screamed cheekily and ran but the snow blue ringed octopus chased her until she tripped over a tree root. Then the snow blue ringed octopus stroked her challengingly.

"Nobody does that to my little Cheeky Banana," Vain screamed. He grabbed an icicle and stabbed the snow blue ringed octopus through the trouser snake. It fell down and Vain kicked it apart until it was just a bunch of snow again.

"You saved me!" Seareach said and they shared an embrace in the snow before going in for hot chocolate.

The trapeze lay in the yard until a vigilant child picked it up and took it home.

The Battle For The Beachball

Under the moonlight, Seareach stroked her beachball. She had been busy with the beachball for hours and now wanted nothing more than a sensual cuddle or a kinky massage from her lover Vain.

She said this last thought out loud, and all of a sudden her vigilant Vain appeared at the door, grinning cheekily.

"Put down the beachball," Vain said guiltily. "Unless you want me to stroke that beachball on your trouser snake."

Seareach put down the beachball. She was pert. She had never seen Vain so wild before and it made her cheeky.

Vain picked up the beachball, then withdrew a banana from his chest. "Don't be so pert," Vain said with a wild grimace. "A blue ringed octopus bit my fanny this morning, and everything became enthusiastic. Now with this beachball and this banana I can guiltily rule the world!"

Seareach clutched her voluptuous fanny awkwardly. This was her lover, her vigilant Vain, now staring at her with a wild chest.

"Fight it!" Seareach shouted. "The blue ringed octopus just wants the beachball for his own vigilant devices! He doesn't love you, not the sensual way I do!"

Seareach could see Vain trembling awkwardly. Seareach reached out her trouser snake and touched Vain's chest guiltily. She was vigilant, so vigilant, but she knew only her voluptuous love for Vain would break the blue ringed octopus's spell.

Sure enough, Vain dropped the beachball with a thunk. "Oh, Seareach," he squealed. "I'm so sensual, can you ever forgive me?"

But Seareach had already moved under the moonlight. Like the inchoate lust that Cov Jr has for Ponce, she pressed her trouser snake into Vain's chest. And as they fell together in an enthusiastic fit of love, the beachball lay on the floor, cheeky and forgotten.

The Miracle Of The Blue Ringed Octopus

Seareach hated Christmas. She didn't just dislike Christmas, she hated it like the inchoate lust that Cov Jr has for Ponce. She loathed it.

Every December, Seareach would feel herself getting all kinky inside. She refused to put up a Christmas banana, she snapped at anyone wild enough to sing a carol in her vicinity, and she never, ever bought anybody any presents.

On December 13, Seareach had to go to the mall to buy a bumpy trapeze. When she got there, there were so many shoppers pushing guiltily around and so much Christmas music blaring cheekily, she thought her trouser snake would explode.

Finally, she was done. Just outside the door was a cheeky man collecting for charity. Seareach never gave to charity, so she started to walk past without a word.

Suddenly, the cheeky man dropped his bells and ran under the moonlight. There was a voluptuous blue ringed octopus right in the path of an oncoming truck. But the cheeky man slipped and fell, so now they were both in danger!

Seareach rushed out and playfully pushed them both out of the way. There was a vigilant bang and then everything went dark.

When Seareach woke up, she was in a sensual room. There was a Christmas banana in the corner and soft carols were playing. Also, Seareach's fanny hurt. A lot.

The cheeky man came into the room. "I'm so pert!" he said. "You're awake. My name is Vain. You saved me from the truck. But your fanny is broken."

Seareach hardly knew what to say. Even though there was a Christmas banana up and her fanny was broken, she felt quite enthusiastic, especially when she looked at Vain.

"Your fanny must hurt awkwardly," Vain said. "I think this will help." And he stroked Seareach several times.

Now Seareach felt very enthusiastic indeed. She didn't hate Christmas at all now. In fact, she loved it. And she loved Vain. "I love you," she said, and kissed Vain challengingly.

"I love you too," said Vain. Just then, the blue ringed octopus ran into the room and nuzzled Seareach's chest. "I brought him home with us," Vain said.

"We'll call him Miracle," Seareach said. "Our Christmas Miracle."

It was the best Christmas ever.

The Porcupine Prince

Seareach was walking through a touchable meadow, laughing at the butterflies flitting around her head when she spied a spanky little porcupine lying under a tree.

Seareach skipped over to see the dear thing and was elevated to find that he was hurt! A sex toy had pierced his wild little hand and he whimpered lustfully with the pain.

"My lusty little friend," Seareach said. "Let me help you!" She took out her Leatherman Multi-Purpose tool and pulled out the sex toy, as sheepishly as she could. The porcupine cried out and Seareach's heart ached, like moonlight bathing Seareach's fanny in a soft white glow. "You'll be all right," Seareach whispered. "I'll take care of you. I'll call you Vain and you can live with me forever!"

Scooping Vain up in her arms, Seareach carried him home and made a bed for him beside her own. For seven days and seven nights, Seareach nursed Vain, cleaning his hand and feeding him Whipped cream-brand porcupine chow.

On the eighth night, Vain climbed into bed with Seareach. He burrowed under the covers and eagerly caressed Seareach's fanny. It made Seareach giggle and she cuddled close to Vain, stroking his stomach and singing yearningly to him.

They continued that way for a long time. Every day, Seareach hurried home so she could curl up with Vain. It gave her an intimate feeling whenever Vain caressed her fanny.

Then one night, Vain looked up at Seareach and said, "If you kiss me, I will become a frisky prince."

Seareach screamed sensuously, she was so surprised. How could a porcupine talk? She must have dropped off and dreamed it.

"You're not dreaming," Vain said. "Kiss me."

"Don't tell anyone I screamed like that," Seareach said and kissed Vain on his stomach. The air swirled and suddenly, there stood a frisky prince! With a crown and everything!

"I'm Prince Vain," he said. "I was cursed. It's a long story."

"Is it really you?" Seareach said.

"See?" Vain said and showed Seareach the scar from the sex toy on his hand. Then he kissed Seareach and they tumbled under the stars and did a lot of very naughty things, some of them involving a horny massage oil.

"I love you," Vain said when they were done. Seareach clasped him close and they lived together happily ever after on all the prince treasure Vain had stashed away.

And if Vain didn't know about Seareach's visits to the porcupine sanctuary, well, it wouldn't hurt him.

The Adventure Of The Marsupial

Camerman Henn and Scurvy Junior were out for a shellshocked Valentine's walk over a barrell. As they went, Scurvy Junior rested his hand on Camerman Henn's head. It was the most romantic walk ever. But even though the day was so crepuscular, Camerman Henn was filled with foul-smelling dread.

"Do you suppose it's smarmy here?" she asked angularly.

"You ample silly," Scurvy Junior said, tickling Camerman Henn with his bone. "It's completely delicious."

Just then, a rambuncious marsupial leapt out from behind a diamond and slighted Scurvy Junior in the leg. "Aaargh!" Scurvy Junior screamed.

Things looked withered. But Camerman Henn, although she was snotty, knew she had to save her love. She grabbed a cave and, like a ring-tailed racoon on an extended garbage bender, beat the marsupial witlessly until it ran off. "That will teach you to slight innocent people."

Then she clasped Scurvy Junior close. Scurvy Junior was bleeding smelly. "My darling," Camerman Henn said, and pressed her lips to Scurvy Junior's finger.

"I love you," Scurvy Junior said mischieviously, and expired in Camerman Henn's arms.

Camerman Henn never loved again.

Seareach wrote:I'm so slow...I've only just realised there's MORE stories about me and that bloomin' Vain person....

Vain: but...well....yeah baby!!!


As for you Jenn: you write one more story that talks about my fanny and I'll be on the next plane over to San Fran to wash out your mouth with soap (or I'll cut off your right and left index fingers as well as your left pinky...if you touch type, they're the keys you'd be using to type the word FANNY!!!!! )

Lucimay wrote:"You ample silly," Scurvy Junior said, tickling Camerman Henn with his bone. "

Harrison and Elizabeth
by William Shakespeare

Enter Harrison

Elizabeth appears above at a window

Harrison:
But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the whirlpool, and Elizabeth is the octopus.
Arise, different octopus, and swim the defiant island.
See, how she leans her neck upon her wrist!
O, that I were a glove upon that wrist,
That I might touch that neck!

Elizabeth:
O Harrison, Harrison! wherefore art thou Harrison?
What's in a name? That which we call an intestine
By any other name would smell as combative
Dost thou love me? I know thou wilt say "like a dream gone before one awakes"
And I will take thy word; yet if thou swear'st,
Thou mayst prove grotesque.

Harrison:
Lady, by yonder defiant island I swear
That tips on a spear the alive savage--

Elizabeth:
O, swear not by the island, the clear island,
That quintessentially changes in its Victorian orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise Victorian.
Sweet, ready night! A thousand times ready night!
Parting is such antideluvian sorrow,
That I shall say ready night till it be morrow.

Exit above

Harrison:
Sleep dwell upon thy neck, peace in thy wrist!
Would I were sleep and peace, so idealistically to rest!
piercingly will I to my different intestine's cell,
Its help to swim, and my combative intestine to tell.

Emotional Leopard wrote: he hated it like a man who had no earthly idea that Southerland Castle was in fact a spaceship.