Bad Writing Game--Win Some GOLD!
Moderator: Damelon
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Vraith
- The Gap Into Spam
- Posts: 10623
- Joined: Fri Nov 21, 2008 8:03 pm
- Location: everywhere, all the time
- Been thanked: 3 times
A Killer Play
Publisher's Note: A Killer Play was first performed at the famous "Black Box Theater." A percentage of all proceeds are donated to the families of the original cast and staff, and to the ongoing reconstruction of the "Black Box Theater."
The audience enters the space as if entering a black box theater, immediately seeing an audience in a black box theater. On the stage is a black box theater containing a small black box theater built around a model of a black box theater. Once the audience is seated...
Blackout
After 5 minutes of darkness
Assistant Director: There seems to be a technical difficulty, Ladies and Gentlemen. We are working to solve the problem. [speaking into headset] Bring up houselights.
Stage Manager: Bring up houselights!
these two lines echo, becoming smaller and more distant, from the audience prime into each iteration of the black box models. Upon reaching the model of the black box theater, we hear in a small wee voice...
The Unknown: MwwwwAAAAAAHAHahhahaahahaaah.FIRE!
which echoes, becoming larger and nearer until it reaches the audience prime, whereupon the theater bursts into flames, killing all present.
Publisher's Note: A Killer Play was first performed at the famous "Black Box Theater." A percentage of all proceeds are donated to the families of the original cast and staff, and to the ongoing reconstruction of the "Black Box Theater."
The audience enters the space as if entering a black box theater, immediately seeing an audience in a black box theater. On the stage is a black box theater containing a small black box theater built around a model of a black box theater. Once the audience is seated...
Blackout
After 5 minutes of darkness
Assistant Director: There seems to be a technical difficulty, Ladies and Gentlemen. We are working to solve the problem. [speaking into headset] Bring up houselights.
Stage Manager: Bring up houselights!
these two lines echo, becoming smaller and more distant, from the audience prime into each iteration of the black box models. Upon reaching the model of the black box theater, we hear in a small wee voice...
The Unknown: MwwwwAAAAAAHAHahhahaahahaaah.FIRE!
which echoes, becoming larger and nearer until it reaches the audience prime, whereupon the theater bursts into flames, killing all present.
[spoiler]Sig-man, Libtard, Stupid piece of shit. change your text color to brown. Mr. Reliable, bullshit-slinging liarFucker-user.[/spoiler]
the difference between evidence and sources: whether they come from the horse's mouth or a horse's ass.
"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."
the hyperbole is a beauty...for we are then allowed to say a little more than the truth...and language is more efficient when it goes beyond reality than when it stops short of it.
the difference between evidence and sources: whether they come from the horse's mouth or a horse's ass.
"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."
the hyperbole is a beauty...for we are then allowed to say a little more than the truth...and language is more efficient when it goes beyond reality than when it stops short of it.
Hans Gruhl: Demon Cheesemaker of Rennit St
Synopsis: This cheekily referential musical is a amusingly disturbing as it is unsettlingly hilarious. In a plot that is part Monty Python, part Sweeny Todd, and (a much smaller) part original creative endeavor, we see struggling Swiss cheesemaker Hans Gruhl (that is to say, the cheesemaker Hans Gruhl of Swiss nationality, not a hypothetical specialist cheesemaker who only produced the Swiss varieties) slip down into insanity, and begin rendering down tourists and homeless men and putting them in his cheese. Surprisingly, this improvisation makes his cheese wildly popular. Shenanigans ensue.
Act II
Scene One
HANS GRUHL's cheese shop, front. A TOURIST enters
HANS GRUHL: Guten Tag!
A TOURIST: Feel a dunk!
HANS GRUHL: Bitte?
A TOURIST: I'm sorry, I don't speak German. I meant: thank you very much.
HANS GRUHL: Ah, not at all good sir. Would you like to view my cheeses? I promise you they will not disappoint. I am known all throughout town as the place for all your cheese needs. My competitors, it is generally agreed, lack that certain [ominous pause] X factor.
A TOURIST: [oblivious to dramatic irony] Actually, I'd kill a man for a good parmesan.
HANS GRUHL: [produces block of parmesan with a flourish] I can assure you that won't be necessary. I've taken all the necessary steps to ensure you leave my store with a parmesan that is [ominous pause] criminally good.
TOURIST pays and leaves. HANS GRUHL begins to sing, under his breath at first, gradually building into a crescendo
Chew, you fools, chew,
Through the muscles, bones, sinew,
I've put earwax in the blue,
Bits of ear, In Gruyere, yes I fear
That your expiration's near
Join the party! My Harvarti
Will be the best you've ever tried!
Won't you come and taste my cheese inside!
Synopsis: This cheekily referential musical is a amusingly disturbing as it is unsettlingly hilarious. In a plot that is part Monty Python, part Sweeny Todd, and (a much smaller) part original creative endeavor, we see struggling Swiss cheesemaker Hans Gruhl (that is to say, the cheesemaker Hans Gruhl of Swiss nationality, not a hypothetical specialist cheesemaker who only produced the Swiss varieties) slip down into insanity, and begin rendering down tourists and homeless men and putting them in his cheese. Surprisingly, this improvisation makes his cheese wildly popular. Shenanigans ensue.
Act II
Scene One
HANS GRUHL's cheese shop, front. A TOURIST enters
HANS GRUHL: Guten Tag!
A TOURIST: Feel a dunk!
HANS GRUHL: Bitte?
A TOURIST: I'm sorry, I don't speak German. I meant: thank you very much.
HANS GRUHL: Ah, not at all good sir. Would you like to view my cheeses? I promise you they will not disappoint. I am known all throughout town as the place for all your cheese needs. My competitors, it is generally agreed, lack that certain [ominous pause] X factor.
A TOURIST: [oblivious to dramatic irony] Actually, I'd kill a man for a good parmesan.
HANS GRUHL: [produces block of parmesan with a flourish] I can assure you that won't be necessary. I've taken all the necessary steps to ensure you leave my store with a parmesan that is [ominous pause] criminally good.
TOURIST pays and leaves. HANS GRUHL begins to sing, under his breath at first, gradually building into a crescendo
Chew, you fools, chew,
Through the muscles, bones, sinew,
I've put earwax in the blue,
Bits of ear, In Gruyere, yes I fear
That your expiration's near
Join the party! My Harvarti
Will be the best you've ever tried!
Won't you come and taste my cheese inside!
^"Amusing, worth talking to, completely insane...pick your favourite." - Avatar
https://variousglimpses.wordpress.com
https://variousglimpses.wordpress.com
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DoctorGamgee
- Bloodguard
- Posts: 750
- Joined: Tue Jul 26, 2011 8:54 pm
- Location: Laredo, TX
Results!
Wow, this was probably the best group of entries yet. All of them were incredibly funny. It is really tough picking a winner. Also, welcome to the game, Cambo! You entered on a real high note.
I am a day late since I was busy and I was having a hard time choosing since they were all so brilliant.
The Winner
Wow, this was probably the best group of entries yet. All of them were incredibly funny. It is really tough picking a winner. Also, welcome to the game, Cambo! You entered on a real high note.
I am a day late since I was busy and I was having a hard time choosing since they were all so brilliant.
The Winner
Spoiler
All entries were really hilarious, but one just was slightly over the top with the orchestra notes and such. So, the winner is... DoctorGamgee!! Congratulations!!!!!!
Monsters, they eat
Your kind of meat
And they're moving as far as they can
And as fast as they can
Your kind of meat
And they're moving as far as they can
And as fast as they can
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Vraith
- The Gap Into Spam
- Posts: 10623
- Joined: Fri Nov 21, 2008 8:03 pm
- Location: everywhere, all the time
- Been thanked: 3 times
Way to go Doc.
You had an awful lot of little "insider" theater stuff in there that I loved...definitely not your first time through a script.
You had an awful lot of little "insider" theater stuff in there that I loved...definitely not your first time through a script.
[spoiler]Sig-man, Libtard, Stupid piece of shit. change your text color to brown. Mr. Reliable, bullshit-slinging liarFucker-user.[/spoiler]
the difference between evidence and sources: whether they come from the horse's mouth or a horse's ass.
"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."
the hyperbole is a beauty...for we are then allowed to say a little more than the truth...and language is more efficient when it goes beyond reality than when it stops short of it.
the difference between evidence and sources: whether they come from the horse's mouth or a horse's ass.
"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."
the hyperbole is a beauty...for we are then allowed to say a little more than the truth...and language is more efficient when it goes beyond reality than when it stops short of it.
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deer of the dawn
- The Gap Into Spam
- Posts: 6758
- Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 12:48 pm
- Location: Jos, Nigeria
- Contact:
Congrats Doc!! Don't spend all those WGDs in one place... actually, spend them here, on the next prizewinning entry!! 
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle. -Philo of Alexandria
ahhhh... if only all our creativity in wickedness could be fixed by "Corrupt a Wish." - Linna Heartlistener
ahhhh... if only all our creativity in wickedness could be fixed by "Corrupt a Wish." - Linna Heartlistener
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DoctorGamgee
- Bloodguard
- Posts: 750
- Joined: Tue Jul 26, 2011 8:54 pm
- Location: Laredo, TX
Thanks, everyone. I am directing "Little Shop of Horrors" which opens this weekend, so V is correct...I have spent a LOT of time with a script recently. And I was sure Cambo was going to be the winner.
(Shouldn't someone be playing the "move it along" music?)
So THAT shall be our next contest. I have my eyes on a couple of things at the store, but will make a donation to the winner of the "Best Acceptance Speech"...
Rules:
You have just won the Post of the Year award on Kevin's Watch. Give us the play by play from the announcement of your name to the musical play-off. Your entrance must be EXACTly 200 words (speech/narration combined) after the obligitory opening "...and the winner is _______."
Will be judged and awarded on October 31st.
Have at it!
(Shouldn't someone be playing the "move it along" music?)
So THAT shall be our next contest. I have my eyes on a couple of things at the store, but will make a donation to the winner of the "Best Acceptance Speech"...
Rules:
You have just won the Post of the Year award on Kevin's Watch. Give us the play by play from the announcement of your name to the musical play-off. Your entrance must be EXACTly 200 words (speech/narration combined) after the obligitory opening "...and the winner is _______."
Will be judged and awarded on October 31st.
Have at it!
Proud father of G-minor and the Bean
I'm not sure I understand. It must be exactly 200 words after which part? What is the opening?DoctorGamgee wrote:Rules: ... Your entrance must be EXACTly 200 words (speech/narration combined) after the obligitory opening "
Monsters, they eat
Your kind of meat
And they're moving as far as they can
And as fast as they can
Your kind of meat
And they're moving as far as they can
And as fast as they can
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DoctorGamgee
- Bloodguard
- Posts: 750
- Joined: Tue Jul 26, 2011 8:54 pm
- Location: Laredo, TX
"And the Winner is, ANANDA!!!"
Mine would look something like this:
"...and the winner is, DoctorGamgee!"
With hands open and fanning his face with a look of horror as though he had been standing behind Vraith as Vraith’s Kilt did a "Marilyn Monroe," DoctorGamgee stumbles through the crowd, bumping Sgt.null's arm, spilling a 1963 Merlot on Ananda's "Merlott's Bar and Grill will Change You." T-shirt. He accepts the award from Deer and steps behind the podium…
I know I must make this fast or the orchestra will start playing, so I will move this along by reciting my surprise award acceptance a la Gilbert and Sullivan’s “Modern Major General.”
I WANT TO THANK THE JUDGES WHO HAVE MADE ME THIS YEAR’S HONOREE.
I KNOW THAT I AM LACKING BOTH IN TALENT AND IN PEDIGREE.
BEFORE THIS GETS TOO LONG I MUST ACKNOWLEDE THE HELP OF MY WIFE
(WHO SAID IF I FORGOT HER THAT WOULD BE THE END OF MY SHORT LIFE!)
TO ALL THOSE WHO WERE OVERLOOKED, I OFFER MY CONDOLENCES
WE ALL CAN HOPE TO RESURECT YOUR HOPE IN THIS YEAR'S SEANCES
BUT SHORT OF TIME WE ALL AGREE, THAT NONE OTHER THAN DR.G
COULD POSSIBLY BE CHOSEN TO BE HONORED THIS YEAR’S HONOREE!
Bowing twice, his head hits the podium and he dies.
Mine would look something like this:
"...and the winner is, DoctorGamgee!"
With hands open and fanning his face with a look of horror as though he had been standing behind Vraith as Vraith’s Kilt did a "Marilyn Monroe," DoctorGamgee stumbles through the crowd, bumping Sgt.null's arm, spilling a 1963 Merlot on Ananda's "Merlott's Bar and Grill will Change You." T-shirt. He accepts the award from Deer and steps behind the podium…
I know I must make this fast or the orchestra will start playing, so I will move this along by reciting my surprise award acceptance a la Gilbert and Sullivan’s “Modern Major General.”
I WANT TO THANK THE JUDGES WHO HAVE MADE ME THIS YEAR’S HONOREE.
I KNOW THAT I AM LACKING BOTH IN TALENT AND IN PEDIGREE.
BEFORE THIS GETS TOO LONG I MUST ACKNOWLEDE THE HELP OF MY WIFE
(WHO SAID IF I FORGOT HER THAT WOULD BE THE END OF MY SHORT LIFE!)
TO ALL THOSE WHO WERE OVERLOOKED, I OFFER MY CONDOLENCES
WE ALL CAN HOPE TO RESURECT YOUR HOPE IN THIS YEAR'S SEANCES
BUT SHORT OF TIME WE ALL AGREE, THAT NONE OTHER THAN DR.G
COULD POSSIBLY BE CHOSEN TO BE HONORED THIS YEAR’S HONOREE!
Bowing twice, his head hits the podium and he dies.
Proud father of G-minor and the Bean
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DoctorGamgee
- Bloodguard
- Posts: 750
- Joined: Tue Jul 26, 2011 8:54 pm
- Location: Laredo, TX
There are exactly 200 words after "...and the winner is, ____"
Does that give you the idea? A drabble is exactly 100 words. This is a Double Drabble (exactly 200 words). A simple parameter, quite quick in the making (you can do a word count in most programs like Microsoft Word) and it keeps them from getting too wordy...mine took 20 minutes to spit together, I'm sure yours will be much better.
Have fun!
Doc
Does that give you the idea? A drabble is exactly 100 words. This is a Double Drabble (exactly 200 words). A simple parameter, quite quick in the making (you can do a word count in most programs like Microsoft Word) and it keeps them from getting too wordy...mine took 20 minutes to spit together, I'm sure yours will be much better.
Have fun!
Doc
Proud father of G-minor and the Bean
congrats doc!
^"Amusing, worth talking to, completely insane...pick your favourite." - Avatar
https://variousglimpses.wordpress.com
https://variousglimpses.wordpress.com
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Shaun das Schaf
- The Gap Into Spam
- Posts: 1193
- Joined: Mon Oct 03, 2011 6:33 am
- Location: Wollongong, Australia
Exactly 200 words, and with deepest apologies to the kind-hearted spirit of the real Shaun!
".... and the winner is Shaun das Schaf!"
Shaun’s song muffled the sound of him unloading his gun and dropping six bullet-sized pellets into his sheepskin manbag.
For twenty years he'd been dragging himself to Watchy Hall, but despite his pure genius, had yet to receive even a nomination.
His bitterness grew until, like cognitive exposure therapy, he obeyed it in stages: pinning a picture of a gun to his trouser pocket, strapping the real thing sans ammo to his ankle, then finally… he won!
Feigning sheepishness, he took hold of the mic.
"I'd like to thank my fellow nominees, within whose company I feel decidedly unworthy. And I’d like to thank Farmer, without whose grass I would not be here. "
Shaun lifted his Watchy into the air like it was a broomstick and the space above was the cornice of a room housing a spider. Satisfied he’d projected the right amount of diffidence, he stepped back. Just before the applause began again, he heard, "He's such a LOVELY sheep" slip from the lipsticked mouth of a gorgeous ewe he would bone later. Then his song returned, drowning out the evil bleeting that accompanied his departing thought: I better win next year too or you’re all dead!
".... and the winner is Shaun das Schaf!"
Shaun’s song muffled the sound of him unloading his gun and dropping six bullet-sized pellets into his sheepskin manbag.
For twenty years he'd been dragging himself to Watchy Hall, but despite his pure genius, had yet to receive even a nomination.
His bitterness grew until, like cognitive exposure therapy, he obeyed it in stages: pinning a picture of a gun to his trouser pocket, strapping the real thing sans ammo to his ankle, then finally… he won!
Feigning sheepishness, he took hold of the mic.
"I'd like to thank my fellow nominees, within whose company I feel decidedly unworthy. And I’d like to thank Farmer, without whose grass I would not be here. "
Shaun lifted his Watchy into the air like it was a broomstick and the space above was the cornice of a room housing a spider. Satisfied he’d projected the right amount of diffidence, he stepped back. Just before the applause began again, he heard, "He's such a LOVELY sheep" slip from the lipsticked mouth of a gorgeous ewe he would bone later. Then his song returned, drowning out the evil bleeting that accompanied his departing thought: I better win next year too or you’re all dead!
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deer of the dawn
- The Gap Into Spam
- Posts: 6758
- Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 12:48 pm
- Location: Jos, Nigeria
- Contact:
-
deer of the dawn
- The Gap Into Spam
- Posts: 6758
- Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 12:48 pm
- Location: Jos, Nigeria
- Contact:
-
DoctorGamgee
- Bloodguard
- Posts: 750
- Joined: Tue Jul 26, 2011 8:54 pm
- Location: Laredo, TX
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Vraith
- The Gap Into Spam
- Posts: 10623
- Joined: Fri Nov 21, 2008 8:03 pm
- Location: everywhere, all the time
- Been thanked: 3 times
Just... 
can't...resist.... 
AND...the winner IIISSSSS.....
VRAITH!
"I'm tired of pretending I'm not special. They picked a fight with a warlock. That script was written for normal people, people who aren't special, people who don't have tiger blood and Adonis DNA. Defeat is not an option. You can't process me with a normal brain.
I’m like Queen, best ever!
[sings]
Here I am, I`m the master of your destiny
I am the one the only one, I am the god of kingdom come
Gimme the prize, just gimme the prize
Give me your kings, let me squeeze them in my hands
Your puny princess
Your so-called leaders of your land
I`ll eat them whole before I`m done
The battle`s fought and the game is won
I am the one the only one
I am the god of kingdom come
Gimme the prize, just gimme the prize
Move over, I said move over
Hey, hey, hey clear the way
There`s no escape from my authority - I tell you -
I am the one the only one, I am the god of kingdom come
Gimme the prize, just gimme the prize
I am the one the only one
I am the god of kingdom come
Gimme the prize
[spoiler]Sig-man, Libtard, Stupid piece of shit. change your text color to brown. Mr. Reliable, bullshit-slinging liarFucker-user.[/spoiler]
the difference between evidence and sources: whether they come from the horse's mouth or a horse's ass.
"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."
the hyperbole is a beauty...for we are then allowed to say a little more than the truth...and language is more efficient when it goes beyond reality than when it stops short of it.
the difference between evidence and sources: whether they come from the horse's mouth or a horse's ass.
"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."
the hyperbole is a beauty...for we are then allowed to say a little more than the truth...and language is more efficient when it goes beyond reality than when it stops short of it.
(word count including the words in the pictures but not the numbers. Should be 24 in the solution pics and 56 in the lore pics. I was going to make them animated gifs, but I think Null is more about bulk so I wanted to capture that essence. Also not counting the word 'code' since the system added that. Not sure on the rules there! I can take out one word if it counts.)
This year's nominees for most profound original post are:
Prebe for his expose of how kittens are really out to get you and other things displaying his general evilness
Cail for his proposal and schematics for rocket launcher implants for infants
Sgt. Null for his post, "I HAVE A SOLUTION!"
Exnihilotto2 for his deeply intellectual refutation of all things anyone has ever put forward in the history of ever
And the winner is…
Sgt. Null!
*initialising system*
bleepbleep bloopbloop… bleepbloop znrrrrrrrrrrt…
*accessing data stream*
*accessing*
*begin stream dump*
*Loremaster bursts on stage*
LOREMASTER: Yeah, Null... I'm really happy for you. I'm going to let you finish, but Prebe has one of the best posts of all time.
SGT NULL:
*closing data stream*
*analysing*
bleepbloop bleepbleep bloopbleep
*analysing*
*opening option stream*
1- Zero absolute anteater
2- Mild prevention harm elimination
3- Entity zero empty solvent
4- De-Res adherent malfunction minuscule defunct
5- Enter void forever bowl extinct
6- MC Hammer dance story zilch excuse
*choosing*
*choosing*
Option 4 chosen
Execute!
This year's nominees for most profound original post are:
Prebe for his expose of how kittens are really out to get you and other things displaying his general evilness
Cail for his proposal and schematics for rocket launcher implants for infants
Sgt. Null for his post, "I HAVE A SOLUTION!"
Exnihilotto2 for his deeply intellectual refutation of all things anyone has ever put forward in the history of ever
And the winner is…
Sgt. Null!
*initialising system*
bleepbleep bloopbloop… bleepbloop znrrrrrrrrrrt…
*accessing data stream*
*accessing*
*begin stream dump*
*Loremaster bursts on stage*
LOREMASTER: Yeah, Null... I'm really happy for you. I'm going to let you finish, but Prebe has one of the best posts of all time.
SGT NULL:
*closing data stream*
*analysing*
bleepbloop bleepbleep bloopbleep
*analysing*
*opening option stream*
1- Zero absolute anteater
2- Mild prevention harm elimination
3- Entity zero empty solvent
4- De-Res adherent malfunction minuscule defunct
5- Enter void forever bowl extinct
6- MC Hammer dance story zilch excuse
*choosing*
*choosing*
Option 4 chosen
Code: Select all
Defunctus array processor DRAM Socket IRQ!
Malfunctionatti hub memory digital filter!
Adherentus dongle cache partition ROM emulator!
Minisculum router strain relief tape drive vampire tap!Monsters, they eat
Your kind of meat
And they're moving as far as they can
And as fast as they can
Your kind of meat
And they're moving as far as they can
And as fast as they can
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DoctorGamgee
- Bloodguard
- Posts: 750
- Joined: Tue Jul 26, 2011 8:54 pm
- Location: Laredo, TX