Kevin's Watch

BA-ZOTCH!!! You can now walk your own way, because YOU are the Man.

I wish I could be in Norway right now on some fjord.

*snap* You're now in Norway. On some fjord. Wearing whatever you're wearing right now. You're in the middle of nowhere. It's snowing. Gorgeous view. No sign of life, except for that polar bear. He's watching you in a way that suggests that he just wished for his dinner to magically appear.


I wish HBO would make a TV series out of the Gap books.

*snap*
On your suggestion, HBO makes a TV series out of the GAP books.
You enjoy it immensely, and are gobsmacked by how brilliantly it follows the books.

Once it becomes popular, hundreds of thousands of viewers of the series attempt to literally tear their own eyes out.
But they cannot un-see what they have seen.
Thus begin the long queues and pilgrimages to the mental health wards.

You contemplate having regrets.
But it's so hard to have regrets, because you still really like having a Gap TV series. (and an actually accurate adaptation to boot!)


I wish I knew what to do with myself between math camps... or that I was willing to do the things I think I ought to do today.

ZINGGGG!!!! You know exactly what to do and you are dying to do it! Unfortunately, what you want to do is to ride the back of a humpback whale to Antarctica and walk barefoot to the South Pole with a flock of bluebirds circling your head, and a cage full of butterflies to release when you reach your destination.

I wish I had the energy that I had when I was 35.

You have the energy you had when you were 35, but no time to do any of the things you want to do.


I wish I could take a week off at the end of the month.

ZAP!! You can take the week off at the end of the month. In fact, you can take all the weeks your heart longs for off. Because the world has ended.

I wish I could fly through the clouds...

you are flying through the clouds, higher and higher, but having no oxygen tank, you expire in the cold light of dawn.

wish I were a fish.

Bazinga! You are a fish! A teeny-tiny leetle fishy that gets eaten by a bigger fishy.

I wish I could move my work computer outside today.

SPLAT!! You move your work computer outside today, and chicka-chack away for hours in the glorious sunshine. But a surprise tornado sucks you and compy into the atmosphere, depositing you and now smashed computer (and you hadn't uploaded those hours of work to OneDrive yet) outside of Fallon, Nevada.

I wish rainy season would end, so my shoes would stop growing green fur on them.

POOF! Rainy season ends and your shoes stop turning green -- because the weather has gone to the other extreme and now the mold has turned brown/black. (At least you won't have to polish your shoes now?)

I wish I could make a living by nattering to a live audience on Facebook.

MUTHAFREEKINZAP!!! The dollar counter racks 'em up while you natter away live on Facebook, and you are having the time of your life. However, when you get up to splash your face, the mirror reveals that you have become Mark Zuckerberg.


I wish I had a four day work week. That would be about right.

You have a four day work week. 18 hours per day.

I wish tomorrow wasn't Monday.

Zap!! Tomorrow is definitely not Monday, because today is Monday. Literally.

I wish I could breathe underwater!!

Poof! You CAN breathe under water but you can never return to the surface as you have also been transformed into a trout.

I wish I could teleport instantly to any location on Earth.

FFfffiiipppp!!!! You can now teleport instantaneously to any point on earth simply by wiggling your pinky. After a series of very cool visits to the South Pole, Fiji, Menorca, Everest, Victoria Falls, the Taj Mahal, and Mall of America (lol). you make a slight miscalculation and materialize INSIDE George Washington's nose on Mt. Rushmore. Unable to move your pinky.


I wish I had my 21 year old bod back. Including the knees that hiked the Tetons.

Poof! You now have your 21 year old body back however it came via UPS and they failed to refrigerate it properly so its mostly decayed and stinky.

I wish I knew all the secrets of the universe without it killing me

You know all the secrets of the universe, and you're still alive. You're also the only person in the world who is capable of appreciating your knowledge - everyone you talk to thinks you're weird and/or crazy. You're also trapped on this planet knowing there's all this amazing stuff out there that you will never see firsthand.

I wish I could do this day over again without making the same mistakes.

Poof! You travel back in time and correct all of the mistakes you made however correcting 3 of the 200 mistakes initiated a butterfly effect chain reaction that caused both of the polar regions to melt and the rising sea levels ended up flooding a coastal street in Atlantic City, New Jersey, somewhere near the boardwalk I'm guessing since I'm not familiar with the area.

I wish I had back all of the guitars and comic books I sold, traded or just plain lost over the years.

Puff!!! You have every comic book and guitar back, but unfortunately they also arrived with every Tupperware container, every paper product (used), every sock, every t-shirt (embarrassing ones on top), every sneaker, every flip flop, every ramen noodle wrapper, every paper cup, every spork, every crummy mattress, every newspaper, every traffic ticket, every odd item of detritus you lost, sold, or got rid of over the course of your life-- in one big pile.

I wish I could finish unpacking from the move 2 weeks ago.

Kazam! You are totally unpacked...however you are being evicted thanks to unannounced rezoning of your property from residential to toxic waste dump and you have 24 hours to pack up and move again.

I wish it was Christmas all the time and it never gets old.