Kevin's Watch

DINNGGG!!! You pent more time talking to friends and less time worrying about things you're not doing (i.e. working on taxes!) over the last week! Your friendships are now ship-shape, and your taxes are overdue and Mr Tax Man has chosen YOU!!! to single out for total bummer life-invading tax inspection. You and Mr Heartlistener and the little heartlisteners are now calling your friends from a phone booth, looking for a place to stay because the IRS has seized and frozen everything. you. own.

I wish chocolate bars had no more calories than celery.

Kwablamo! All chocolate bars have the same calories as celery but they taste like crap and chocolate manufacturers world wide go out of business overnight and the suicide rate rockets to 75% of the population leaving caramel king of sweets in the new apocalypse.

I wish there was a way to make a perfect club sandwich at home without making a mess in the kitchen.

There is a way to make a perfect club sandwich at home without making a mess in the kitchen. Make it in the bedroom. Or any other room.


I wish all the maintenance stuff I need to do - painting, patching, etc. was already done.

All the maintenance stuff you need to do - painting, patching, etc. is already done but you don't know who actually did the work so it creeps you out and you end up moving to a small town an hour and a half away from your job. Your car breaks down on the first day you commute from your new home. It happens four more times and you end up getting fired over it. Then it turns out your new home needs maintenance stuff, paining, patching etc.

I wish everyone got one actual, grantable wish with no limitations or implied negative consequences.

Ffffiipp!!! Everyone got one actual, grantable wish with no limitations or implied negative consequences. Unfortunately, people want such a wide variety of things that they cancel each other out and we're back where we started.

I wish I had spent less time when I was younger wishing for impossible stuff and actually doing something productive instead.

Shwiggitttt! You spent less time when you was younger wishing for impossible stuff and actually did something productive instead but now you are regretful that you didn't have very much fun during your childhood.

I wish I could re-experience reading Lord Foul's Bane for the very first time...again.

You are abducted by aliens. They erase all your memories before returning you to Earth. dAN gives you a copy of LFB in the hope that it might help cure your amnesia. It doesn't work, but you do get to re-experience reading it for the very first time.


I wish I didn't have to work this weekend.

Yay, you don't have to work this weekend. However being unemployed sucks after only a few days of sitting around the house with no electricity.

I wish I could step through any picture, movie screen or television and experience whatever is being depicted.

You can step through any picture, movie screen or television and experience whatever is being depicted. In fact, if a TV is on, you have to step though. Whenever someone switches on the news, or a ballgame, or a rerun - well, let's just say it started getting old some time around the second time you were forced to walk through the entire plot of The Hobbit.

I wish life came with fast forward and rewind buttons.

Life comes with fast forward and rewind buttons now but in the Adam Sandler film "Click" it has many hazardous drawbacks that were depicted well enough in the movie that I need not list them here.

I wish there was some web based service that would allow me an opportunity to bid for the right to re acquire many of my childhood toys.

Ba dum-chunk!! You bid $44,750 and are able to re-acquire all that stuff you played with as a kid-- even the Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots!! However, everything is decades old and what isn't broken is falling apart and faded from age, so you basically blew 44 large on a pile of crap. And Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots is no fun when the heads are missing.

I wish I still had my '52 Gibson LG2.

Whamo! You have never let go of your prized Gibson. However the person that ultimately would have ended up with your guitar was a young, aspiring scientist that was poised to give up a life dedicated to solving some of mankind's greatest problems for a dead end career as a struggling musician. In the other timeline she acquired your guitar and loved it. She began playing with it every day until she decided that her newly acquired acoustic guitar would benefit from amplification. She decided to fix the problem herself by installing an acoustic/electric pickup and, whilst soldering the wiring required, she burned the living crap out of her hand and gave up playing guitar forever...fortunately because she would ultimately go on to finding a cure for several deadly diseases and develop an asteroid deflection system that would save the Earth and all of humanity on five separate occasions. Bummer you decided to keep your guitar and condemn the rest of us to a horrific death. (Edited due to my ignorance of the model number and specifications of Deer's guitar. )

I wish I could concentrate enough to finish something/anything that I've started.

Nothing can break your focus. You're going to finish that thing you started. You end up in the ER after you concentrate so hard that you forget to eat or sleep for a week.

I wish I could say all the things I felt like saying at work with no negative consequences.

Bam! You can say all the things you felt like saying at work with no negative consequences. However you now work completely alone with no human contact whatsoever. You rant and rave about the working conditions, the crappy pay and how inconsiderate and stupid your co-workers are which in this case are all chimpanzees and don't know any better so you forgive them.


I wish I was 50 feet tall!

POW!!!! You are now 50 feet tall!!!!

Good luck finding a girlfriend!!!

(btw the LG2 was strictly acoustic, no wiring involved)

I wish I could eat sugar without ruining my health.

(Deer, I will revise my corruption of your guitar wish with this new information. )


Boom. You are able to eat sugar without ruining your health but in order to do so you have to adhere to the amounts that doctors and nutritionists already agree are safe for human consumption. The gallons of ice cream you crave are still off limits. Oreos Double Stuff are not permitted and bowls of Captain Crunch cereal exceed the recommended safe daily dose. However enjoying a few grapes or an orange from time to time is perfectly safe.

I wish I could eat massive amounts of sugar and not suffer any negative effects, including gallons of ice cream, bowls of captain crunch, mountains of oreo double stuff cookies and metric tons of chocolate.

You can eat massive amounts of sugar without any negative effects. Gallons of ice cream, bowls of captain crunch, mountains of oreo double stuff cookies and metric tons of chocolate - you're in perfect health and you haven't gained an ounce. You've also spent thousands of dollars and personally caused a worldwide chocolate shortage.

I wish I wasn't stuck on the story I'm trying to write.

Wham! Now you are able to complete the story you were writing. You feel great! You feel so great that you hire an agent and instruct them to shop your story around. Within a week you have a publication deal with a major, well respected "brick and mortar" publishing house. Your book is edited and published and you become a best selling author. One day at a book signing a woman approaches you, holding a copy of your book "Harry Potter and the Ugly Duckling". The woman is J.K. Rowling and she's understandably pissed off. She sues you for everything you have, everything you used to have and everything you will have in perpetuity. As you sit on a curb in the street with just the clothes on your back you wonder to yourself "How come nobody noticed that I wrote a Harry Potter book, including me, until it blew up in my face?"

I wish I had a Denver Omelet draped in 5 perfectly cooked pieces of bacon.

deer wrote:You... are able to re-acquire all that stuff you played with as a kid-- even the Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots!!

Umm, so, like... 2 weeks ago, my kids where literally given Rock-em-sock-em-robots!
Why is it that I am always drawn back to "Corrupt-a-wish" by connections to RL?
Should I be concerned?

Anyway...

*BOOM*
You have a Denver Omelet.
draped in 5 perfectly cooked pieces of.
...BACON.

Sitting right in front of you in a favorite restaurant.
The only thing to disrupt your pleasure is an old lady whom you heard heckling the servers sitting nearby you with extremely specific demands for her order to be "just so."

Until someone keeps messing with the radio.
The first show that you hear snatches of is an infomercial deriding fatty foods, and citing bacon as particularly destructive due to the lures of its deliciousness.
The old lady looks at you, raising an eyebrow.
*click*
Second radio program: an old-school preacher preaching a sermon on an unexpected topic - gluttony.
The old lady glances at you again - you think judgementally.
*click*
The third is a dramatic reading of C.S. Lewis' Screwtape Letters, specifically the part where there is a discussion of how an old lady who is constantly demanding her toast made "just so" may be just as guilty of gluttony as someone shoveling down a mess of food.

At this point, you laugh in the old lady's face.
But she is a spry one!
She leaps up from her table, darts across to your table and attempts to pummel you with her fists.
In attempting to restrain her - without as much restraint as you could have used - you break one of her bones.
You are riddled with guilt, and plus there's legal consequences.

I wish I knew where the keys to the laundry room were.

Wow!


Boom you know where the keys are to the laundry room. It occurs to to you that you must have dropped them while you were inspecting the wet cement of the foundation of your new home which happened 4 days ago. Since then the concrete foundation has set, the cinder block walls have gone up and workers are now laying the trusses for your roof. Even a metal detector couldn't find your keys since the foundation is reinforced with steel rebar. Bummer.

I wish I could survive passing through a gravitational singularity in order to see what is on the other side.