Kevin's Watch

You can survive passing through a gravitational singularity in order to see what is on the other side. What's on the other side? A Starbucks.


I wish my upstairs neighbor wasn't training for the World Championship Midnight Furniture Moving competition.

Your upstairs neighbor is no longer training for the World Championship Midnight Furniture Moving competition because he accidentally crashed through your ceiling causing you both to be injured and homeless.

I wish I had lots of friends but they didn't mind if I didn't call them much.

You have lots of friends and they don't mind you calling much, because they are all dead. And there are rather a lot of bloody weapons in your car trunk, and you have no idea what they are doing there.

I wish I had started exercising when I was a lot younger.

You begin exercising when you were a lot younger. However the gains you make while working out as a fetus don't seem to translate over after birth and you end up pretty much where you started.


It would be awesome if I could get approval to leave work early today.

You, aTOMiC, have approval to leave work early on Fri Jun 09, 2017. Congratulations.


I wish I could take the rest of this week off.

Congrats - you get to take the rest of the week off. You just happen to be in New Zealand right now which means the end of the week is pretty much already here... so no actual time off.

I wish to be rich, and happy.

Boom! You are rich and happy but only for a single day. Once the day is complete you will be massively poor and horrifyingly sad.


I wish I could go back in time and witness one pivotal event in my life.

You are given an opportunity to go back in time and witness one pivotal event in your life. Unfortunately it's the one you wish you could have done differently, and you're forced to watch yourself make the same mistakes all over again.


I wish one of my favorite authors would write a new book in my favorite series of theirs.

One of your favorite authors writes a new book in a favorite series of yours but introduces a new character that usurps your favorite character's position as the POV and you end up being annoyed with the new book instead of thrilled. Which has never happened before in reality...or did it?

I wish the original Star Trek series ended after the seventh season and 175 episodes but its iconic status was only increased by the addition of the extra episodes, not diminished.

Bam!! Star Trek is the iconic shizz!! As a result no Star Wars or Marvel /DC superhero films ever get made... no need, when there are endless Star Trek reboots.


I wish for a fish.

I wish I could walk away from my job into a secure retirement where I could pay proper attention to the health and happiness of me and mine. It's time!

You walk away from your job into a secure retirement where you can pay proper attention to the health and happiness of you and yours.

However you almost immediately regret leaving your job playing with fluffy kittens in a pet store.

At first you drive by the store telling yourself you were just in the neighborhood. Then you start parking across the street for hours on end. You watch through the window others playing with the kittens and you simply can't help yourself any longer and return to your job for good or ill.

I wish I was born 3/4 of a second sooner than I was.

First, SD, my kids had a strong reaction to the fish!
The older one was laughing his head off and determined to show his younger brother.
The younger one, after seeing it hoped I would close the tab, "because there's that dreadful fish!"

Anyway, aTOMIC-
Your whole life is 3/4 of a second early.

When you are young: At birthday parties, you take things 3/4 of a second early... long enough for people not to have said yes to your request for another cupcake. They then say no, and now they're angry at you. Later in life you do have the skill of answering people before they ask a question, but that is small comfort compared to: Starting races 3/4 of a second early and getting disqualified; Always starting your car 3/4 of a second before the red light turns green and not being allowed to use your car; Being unable to sing songs with others because you are always 3/4 of a second off.....

And then you run across the street 3/4 of a second before it's safe to start. The car stops quickly, but the car behind it crashes, in the process killing eight people. You survive, but your conscience is heavy during the long, lonely months in the hospital. It is your fault for posting in Corrupt-a-Wish.

Not to worry though - you will live to a ripe old age - though still riddled with guilt.
However, you will still die before your time: 3/4 of a second early.

Courtesy of my kids & me. (mostly them)
They wish that they could be two of the boys in Swiss Family Robinson!

Linna, your kids are now the boys in Swiss Family Robinson but there are complications. The two boys that were replaced file a lawsuit, that reaches the supreme court, stating that no fictional character shall be replaced by actual living persons under penalty of two million years hard labor mining iron ore in the asteroid belt.

I wish I could safely and happily live anywhere in the universe I chose.

Welcome to your new home on Paradise IV, where chocolate grows on trees and you're paid to read comic books. Safest place in the universe. But it takes 300 years for any communication to get back to Earth, and you'll never be able to post on KW again.


I wish I could take a year off to write without worrying about money.

You take a year off to write without worrying about money and it feels great for about a week until you start to get hungry after you've eaten everything in your house and your lack of worry about money begins to have negative effects in your life. Finally, you are forced to eat your manuscript.

I wish there was a way to look at a photograph and will the contents of what is shows into reality. I have pictures of most of the guitars and basses I've owned over the years. I would love to get them all back just by concentrating on the picture.

You have the ability to look at a photograph and will the contents of what it shows into reality. You have a stack of photos of guitars and basses, and you're ready to get down to business. First pic: Guitar. You play a few chords, then set it to the side and turn to the next picture. Another guitar. One of your favorites. Another guitar, then a bass - you're in the zone; you only need to glance at the picture to make it happen. Another bass, then - oh no, how'd a picture of Godzilla get mixed in? You quickly shut your eyes, but it's too late. You escape without injury, but there's a large hole in the side of your house, and your new stack of instruments was squished under a giant lizard foot. And now the police want to talk to you about why Godzilla is running amok through your neighborhood.


I wish my upstairs neighbors were quieter, especially at night.

Your upstairs neighbors are quieter, especially at night because they sleep during the day and are out all night long doing what vampires do until one night you pass them as they are leaving and one says "I had no idea you were living beneath us this whole time. We'll be seeing more of each other in the future." That night you sleep with garlic around your neck and a large crucifix clutched in your hands. The next morning you inform your landlord that you are moving immediately and leave no forwarding address.


As an adult I wish I could experience Disney World exactly the same why I did when I was 7 years old without losing all of my accumulated memories and experiences.

As an adult I wish I could experience Disney World exactly the same why I did when I was 7 years old without losing all of my accumulated memories and experiences.

You do so at the cost of making any new memories. You are now stuck living your life over again up to the Disney trip ending the second time. Only to start over and over and over again. Stuck on a repeating loop.

I wish Husker Du would reunite so I can see them live.

Husker Du reunites and you see them live.

However the band insists that the only condition to reuniting was that each member play a completely different instrument resulting in Greg Norton playing drums and singing, Bob Mould playing the accordion and Grant Hart playing guitar. The resulting train wreck of a performance ends the group's interest in playing for all time.

I wish the Chronicles of Thomas Covenant was adapted to a television series for HBO that was of the same high quality and critical acclaim as Game of Thrones.