Kevin's Watch

I've been having a bad couple of days.
A friend lashed out at me on Facebook the other day, and I feel wretched.
Have also been hurting various people who are close to me, and I feel like a heel. (some of that stuff pre-dated the friend-lashing-out-at-me incident)


Right now it's like my brain has about two channels: self-condemnatory and self-righteous.
This does not work.

But I got to see a friend I haven't seen for a longish while today.
It seems I always have significant conversations with her after I've been brought very low.

I am such an extrovert.
I hang around the house "trying to get stuff done" and I am mostly a useless bundle of futility.
You put me in front of a friend and often my emotional temperature goes down several degrees and I'm actually able to chill.
I almost think my life would be better if I paid people to hang out with me.

But that's mostly just me grasping at straws; probably trying to "simplify" something that's a big, complex problem.

I have no idea what I'm doing; stumbling onward.

I'mma not stick to the (generally a pretty good idea) convention of avoiding double-posts to say, "I'm doing better today..."

I found out that, you know, one of the people I'd been a jerk to didn't actually hate. Found that out like 20 minutes after posting.
So yeah..

That's one of the big problems with the whole social media thing, at least in my opinion - it's so difficult to have a deep conversation. Sometimes it's difficult to tell what someone is really thinking, even if they sprinkle the post with emoticons or whatever, sometimes that just makes it worse because most emoticons tend to exaggerate whatever feeling they're meant to portray.

But I understand how you're feeling. January is a rough month for me - has been my whole life due to recurring family drama. And as always, I feel like I should know how to handle this whole thing by now, but I don't.

Yes. I mostly don't even try for the deep conversations on FB. Except... when I do?

Anyway... yeah...

sorus wrote:And as always, I feel like I should know how to handle this whole thing by now, but I don't.

...this is just like me. I always go telling myself, "It's getting better; I'm learning stuff and it's more manageable and not as bad now."
But then I fail at the same old thing again...
And for a time, it seems all my alleged learning was futile.

I'm wondering why January would be the time family drama comes up... not asking why but if you feel like talking, I'm curious.

Ah well, vasbyt guys.

I'm fine. Except sinuses are bloody giving me hell. And back to work on Tuesday. Meh.

--A

Hey, new word! How do you pronounce it?

Linna Heartlistener wrote:
I'm wondering why January would be the time family drama comes up... not asking why but if you feel like talking, I'm curious.

I wish I knew, though I don't think knowing would really make a difference. Some people just seem to want to wallow in misery, to revel in the glory of being a victim. They don't want help. They want an audience. They want someone to blame.

And stupid me, I'm still trying to help because I don't know what else to do.

Sorry, uh... "fuss bate." Sorta "grit your teeth and bear it."

--A

Yeah, I Googled the meaning, but it didn't say how it was pronounced - thanks!

I usually say kaiidth - "kai-tah" or "kai-tha" - which is sort of a philosophical acceptance, "what is, is".

Nice.

Yeah, one of the many Afrikaans words that have become part of the common South African lexicon. It's a very descriptive language.

--A

I always like learning new words.

Sorus wrote:Some people just seem to want to wallow in misery, to revel in the glory of being a victim. They don't want help. They want an audience. They want someone to blame.

It's very frustrating, and probably feels like drinking down purified futility, and it's frustrating that often one big reason they're pushing away help is that usually the help would require something of them.

(full-disclosure: I can be kind of like that too. but mostly with... you guessed it - family!)

Sorus wrote:And stupid me, I'm still trying to help because I don't know what else to do.

Beeeee stupid!

Well, no... you know I don't quite mean that.
(Sometimes the "help" doesn't help.)
But sometimes reconciliation of uncommon sorts can happen.
(have you seen times where that happens? like with friends?)


As for me over here, I'm sort of in a bit of a spiral of being hungry for self-righteousness. =/
While casually putting aside obvious responsibilities and obligations I have to people.
Bright spots are breaking through now and then though.

Thanks, Av.


[Edit: to show Sorus' quote was hers and not mine.]

Thought I'd let you all know that I'm still alive and kicking. Bad week. Monday morning was told that my dear friend Ruth had just died. Feisty independent 90 year old who I've known since 1982. Spent most of Monday on the phone letting people know. Hubby was poorly Wednesday, good excuse not to go to the archives, couldn't face the thought of looking at Ruth's empty chair. Have to face it tomorrow though. She was indestructible, always well, getting a little frail and pernickety but I thought she would live for ever. Still, she couldn't have done better if she had arranged it herself. She was ill overnight, rang a friend and died in her company at home. No fuss. Just how she would have wanted it. Life goes on. Have to face a whole lot of other people who don't know yet on Saturday.

Iolanthe wrote:Thought I'd let you all know that I'm still alive and kicking. Bad week. Monday morning was told that my dear friend Ruth had just died. Feisty independent 90 year old who I've known since 1982. Spent most of Monday on the phone letting people know. Hubby was poorly Wednesday, good excuse not to go to the archives, couldn't face the thought of looking at Ruth's empty chair. Have to face it tomorrow though...

Have to face a whole lot of other people who don't know yet on Saturday...

Oh!

Boo to having to give the sad news to a bunch of people.
Oh boy.


I've been super-stressed and not liking myself much today.
Didn't get something done that I should have / misplaced something kind of important.
Trying to work on that / fretting too much for much of the day.
But now it seems to be taken care of - and the relief feels good.

Sorry, Io.

Condolences Io. Pretty good innings though.

--A

Sorry to hear that, IO. Sounds like the world was richer to have had Ruth among us but it also sounds like she passed in an enviable way after a full and remarkable life.

Thanks everyone. She certainly did have a full and remarkable life. I may use that in the obit I have to write. She was very scathing about Facebook but I posted an announcement anyway on the Society page and some very kind comments have been posted by people she helped over the years. Publications Committee today. New Publications Manager in place. I'm free

And the week is nearly over, thank the gods.

--A

Not my week.

Sucks to be you. Friday now, and Friday's are half-days, so that's good.

--A