Kevin's Watch

HBO adapts the Chronicles of Thomas Covenant into a television series that has the same high quality and critical acclaim as Game of Thrones. KW is inundated with obnoxious new fans who haven't read the books.


I wish I was going to see the eclipse.

You go to see the eclipse and you arrive at the perfect spot with only minutes to spare but suddenly realize you are going to experience an impending intestinal requirement that will outweigh all other consideration by a magnitude of a million and it will commence almost immediately. As you sprint to the nearest facility you are cursing yourself for partaking of that spicy gas station burrito on your manic drive to the viewing site. You emerge from the restroom to the sounds of people cheering and remarking about how cool the eclipse was as they all walk to their cars to leave.

I wish I could take a proper fiction writing course that will enable me to develop my ideas effortlessly and professionally. Should have paid better attention in school.

ZZINNGG!! You paid better attention in school, and decided to quit music and write heavy, well-written tomes on quantum physics that no one reads.

I wish summer had been longer...

You wish summer is longer so you move to central Florida where the seasons never change and unceasing heat and humidity is the comforting friend you crave.


I wish Florida had seasons like everywhere else.

Florida has seasons just like everywhere else. This causes catastrophic failure with all the crops and whatnot that depend on Florida's climate. Fewer tourists visit; fewer people choose to retire there. The state's economy collapses after a couple of years.


I wish my hard drive wasn't full.

Wham. Your hard drive is no longer full thanks to a flaw that develops in the read/write arm of the unit which erases everything and digitally "salts the earth" of your disc in the process. But hey at least its no longer full.


I wish I could physically visit The Land as an indestructible being that can translate back to the real world at will, but able to interact with all of the inhabitants, good and bad, without concern for my personal life and limb.

You can physically visit The Land as an indestructible being that can translate back to the real world at will, but able to interact with all of the inhabitants, good and bad, without concern for your personal life and limb. Everyone in the real world just thinks you're crazy.


I wish I was fluent in multiple useful languages.

You are now fluent in multiple useful languages however now, like someone that owns a pick up truck, everyone is asking for your help to translate to the point that you beg Zeus or Jupiter, Hera or Juno or whoever bestowed the Babel virus upon you to remove it which they do but their price is to turn you into a half frog half Kangaroo jumping creature and to live out your days on Monster Island.

I wish someone would create a comic book series in which all of the Roman gods lived in modern times and were depicted as the only superheroes, no Amazons or aliens or mutants.

Bonk!! Someone creates a comic book series in which the Roman gods and goddesses are the only superheroes, free from aliens, mutants, and other latecomers to the party. And it's mind-numbingly stupid, and poorly drawn in Scooby-Doo style. And Hera looks like Katy Perry. And Zeus looks suspiciously like Kurt Russell.

I wish being on hold did not involve so many diminished chords and faux-peppy music in horrifying quality audio.

Being on hold no longer involves so many diminished chords and faux-peppy music in horrifying quality audio. They replaced it with such complete silence that you have to constantly check to make sure you weren't disconnected.


I wish that the great idea I had for a story a while back hadn't already been used by someone.

Bing! The great idea you had for a story a while back finally gets committed to paper, or digital copy. You step into a time machine and plant evidence to sue Stephenie Meyers for stealing your ideas for Twilight. You become enormously rich, but you also have little teenaged girls constantly bothering you in public.

I just want to be loved. Is that so wrong?

You are loved and there nothing wrong with it...except when aliens invade Earth they single out the most loved humans and disintegrate them as a security measure.


I wish I could take over the Simpsons for the final season and write 22 episodes that are the most like the golden age (season 3 through 10) that have been created in more than a decade.

FFFFFFFFFFIIIiippppppppp!!!!!You take over the Simpsons for the final season and write 22 episodes that are the most like the golden age (season 3 through 10) that have been created in more than a decade. You get signed for 10 more seasons even as you are tired of writing Simpsons episodes and want to move on to something else, but the Fam is getting used to the income stream, so you grind on for another decade feeling more and more like Homer chasing a doughnut on a stick....

I wish I could go back to my 16th birthday and live from there and make better decisions.

You're 16 again, with all the wisdom you gained the hard way the first time around. You find it difficult to relate to anyone your age, and everyone thinks you're weird.


I wish I could see what I'll be doing ten years from now.

*ZING!*
You see what you'll be doing ten years from now.
Unfortunately, whoever planned which hours of Sorus'-life-ten-years-from-now you view did not record the footage with an eye to vocation!
In fact the hours recorded are basically of you sleeping, putting butter on toast, and cleaning a kitty litter box. Big surprises there!

But because you're burning with curiosity, you determine to watch the footage anyway, hoping to find a few minutes of what you do when you're not eating, sleeping, or dealing with kitty litter.
There's like 300 hours worth of video, but you can't give up on the possibility that maybe there will be ...something interesting.
Or maybe you can finagle book titles for books that don't exist yet by zooming in 'n stuff - that'd be cool!
Or even see what kind of computer or devices you'll have lying around on the table 10 years from now... yeah, yeah.
Nope. No luck on either count.

And you begin to think, "Dang, whoever recorded this video footage must have played Corrupt-a-wish!"
And she did!
In ten years, when you begin recording the footage, you will know why you will choose to do it that way.
(It'll turn out that you will not be able to convince yourself that allowing your past-self to see anything interesting about your future life will NOT cause a time paradox. Of COURSE. Unacceptable risks to the fate of humanity, and all that.)


Hmmm, I really wish I had like a good sense of "this is what I should be working on" throughout each day. (and then worked on those things.)

Sorus wrote:You're 16 again, with all the wisdom you gained the hard way the first time around. You find it difficult to relate to anyone your age, and everyone thinks you're weird.

Minus the wisdom, pretty much describes my life.

BAM. You have a strong sense of purpose and duty throughout the day and know exactly what you should be doing, and you do it, by golly. Unfortunately you really don't feel like doing any of it because you forgot to wish for motivation and desire.

I wish I was inured to the cold and could enjoy winter!

You finally toughen up, and become inured to the cold - you love those crisp, clear winter days and the dramatic nature of the blizzards whilst enjoying a warming drink by the fire. You love the following morning when the storms have passed, and snow has created a white wonderland outside, and you're the first to create footprints on the pathway. Then it's time to go back to Nigeria, and it's hot, and you can't stand the heat because you have become so accustomed to the cold, and every day is unbearable.

I wish I could live at least a couple of hundred years longer than the average human life span.

ding! You will live a couple of hundred years longer than the average span of human life. Aside from the usual problems people like you face (everyone you care about dying off, the world becoming a place you can't keep up with, post-apocalyptic knitwear just doesn't suit you) you continue aging to an unprecedented decrepitude that fascinates doctors and research scientists. They take you captive so that they can experiment with bionic replacement parts for those limbs that are failing you, and then they start in on the internal organs. But the truth is worse than that. Actually, there is nothing at all wrong with you, but the international community of people who want to prolong their lives and deny the aging process are simply mad to have in on your secret; the doctors are using your parts to concoct elixirs to keep these people's money flowing their direction. Eventually you are just a nubbin of your formal self, your soul clinging to a thread of flesh and dependent entirely on a set of shiny, humming valves and cannulae. Until the consumers begin to die natural deaths. Then the whole thing is debunked, even the doctors have long since retired or passed away, and one day the lab simply goes bankrupt and stops paying the employees and the light bill. The lights go out...

I wish we had a game where we made up fantastic things that happen to people. This is fun, but I end up creeping myself out.

*waves awesome super magical purple wand in Deer's general direction*

We have a new game where you can make up fantastic awesome totally specky things can happen to people that no longer creeps you out

I wish I had super powers and could fly through the night sky and as easily as swimming in the ocean, but it would be better cos no jelly fish, seaweed, sharks. And I would never tire of flying all over the globe .. spreading peace to all humankind by spreading fairy dust

Bzzzzzzzzzzing!

You can fly through the unfettered air like a butterfly, untiringly, spreading irenic fairy dust to all and sundry. But dang, that slipstream is cold, and once it gets a hold of you... you're spreading expletives instead of glitter.

I wish my husband liked tomatoes.