My older son ran out of advanced classes to take this year as a high school senior. So he's having to take a couple of independent studies as well, Claire. He's taking AP second year chemistry as an IP, and an IP study of architecture, since he took all of the available architecture and CAD classes. He'll have his hands full this year, as he is also taking AP American government, AP calculus, and physics. He decided to take British lit rather than AP English, though, so hopefully he'll enjoy that class. Their first read is
Hamlet.
I've been spending the last few days in very deep thought.
On Tuesday I am going to have to hand in the forms as a volunteer to head down south for Katrina disaster relief.
I do not want to do it. It is my son's senior year in high school, and I do not want to miss my last chances to see him play soccer and wrestle. I do not want to miss his visits to the colleges that are high on his interest list this fall. If he goes away to school, this will probably be the last year he lives at home, and I want to be here, too.
I do not want to miss my younger son wrestling in a national championship this November.
My husband insisted that I use the last bit of money from my father's estate for myself, since I gave most of it away, and I have bought all sorts of concert tickets with it, as music is one of the great passions of my life -- everything from Green Day to U2 to Sonny Rollins and the Vienna Philharmonic. I want to hear those concerts.
I am afraid to go. I have bad allergies and asthma. I am afraid I will get sick.
But I cannot see such suffering, knowing it is not so far away (it was bad enough seeing it on the other side of the world with the tidal waves) and do nothing. If I did not volunteer to go, I would be untrue to myself.
I do not know if they will deploy me. They might head me off right away, as my department chief must approve it, and we are short handed and have been for months due to a federal hiring freeze. They might not need any pharmacy personnel down there. Since I have no first aid or Red Cross training, I might not have enough skills to be worth taking. But I have no personal choice but to offer.
So, while waiting to hear whether or not I will be deployed I will be spending the next few days/weeks as much time as I can with my sons, with my friends. For awhile at least, every day I spend in my home, every night I spend under a real roof in my own bed (as opposed to a government issued barracks tent), every bit of music I can listen to, every flower I can plant in my yard, every second of time I can spend with my children, every meal I can eat with my friends -- all of those will be great gifts to me, and I plan to enjoy all of them to the greatest extent I can.
I am sure I will be dropping in from time to time, and I will certainly let all of you know whether or not I am going to be deployed. But right now, my priorities are going to spending every minute I can with my children and friends, so I don't think I'll be around as much as usual until I know what the next few months are going to hold for me.
I love all of you --
