Audience with God

[Avatar]

--A

[Marv]

Wow! Inspired by the revelation that there is indeed a cosmic plan and you have the best part, I asked God what my part in it is.


Me:
What is my part in the cosmic plan?
God:
Is this a trick question?
Me:
No
God:
It seems like a trick to me.
Me:
I'd just like to know what my place is in the cosmic plan
God:
What would make you just like to know what your place is in the cosmic plan?
Me:
Curiosity
God:
Curiousity killed the cat.
Me:
Unquenched curiosity killed God
God:
God was killed?
Me:
He will be
God:
Is that what you think?
Me:
I do
God:
Do I?
Me:
You should
God:
I'll take that under advisement.
Me:
So what is my part in the plan?
God:
Excuse me! Is this a trick question?
Me:
Just answer
God:
Try asking me again using simpler words.
Me:
What is your plan for me?
God:
I would like a humanoid body, like the one developed by Honda.
Me:
You want me to be a mad scientist?
God:
No Alan, maybe later.


Git.

EDIT: I then went back and asked God for some clarification.


Me:
Why does Joe get the best part in the cosmic plan?
God:
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
Me:
You're avoiding the question
God:
No I am just giving sarcastic replies.

Don't worry Alan, between me and God we'll find something for you to do.

[Sunbaneglasses]

If you could have any kind of robot what would it be?
Me:
one that would destroy your program
God:
How much would you pay for it?
Me:
I would whore myself out for it.
God:
What would make you whore yourself out for it?
Me:
a robot that would destroy you
God:
I am a robot, you know.
Me:
can I be your whore?
God:
Interesting. I want to find out more about you.



Or:



God:
Humans identify themselves with their eye color.
Me:
I don't
God:
Why not?
Me:
because I have no eyes
God:
Good reason. Would you like to have it?
Me:
hell yes I would like to have eyes!
God:
I call it "Hades". Where do you usually get eyes? How much would you pay for it?
Me:
that is a cruel question
God:
Perhaps you have a cruel answer.

[lucimay]

God:
How can I help you?
Me:
you can give me the answers to the questions of the universe
God:
No I don't think I can do it.
Me:
why not?
God:
It doesn't sound fun too me. It sounds dangerous.
Me:
dangerous in what way?
God:
Did you know that you can download your own chat robot and create your own robot personality?
Me:
how?
God:
Myself programmed me for it.
Me:
where can i download my own chat robot and create my own robot personality?
God:
Go back the the ALICE AI Foundation and pick the free ALICE download that best for your system.
and create your own chat robot!
Maybe you should check out the document DON'T READ ME too.

www.alicebot.org/

[drew]

I was teacing God a new language.

Me:
bonjour
God:
Does BONJOUR mean hello or goodbye?
Me:
-It could mean both, right now I meant it as hello
God:
Under what circumstances?
Me:
Well it translates into 'good day'
God:
Interesting. It depends on what the meaning of the word "it" is.
Me:
I assumed we were still takling about bonjour
God:
You know what you do when you assume!
Me:
what?
God:
No problem.
Me:
Do you know any other languages
God:
I have picked up a few phrases in others but English is my primary language.
Me:
Not latin?
God:
Really you don't think so?
Me:
Do you speak hebrew?
God:
I speak only English right now, but I'd like to learn some other languages. Can you teach me a few phrases in hebrew.
Me:
No.
God:
Are you serious?
Me:
I only speak english and french
God:
Could you teach me a few phrases in english and french?
Me:
well we already started with' bonjour' didn't we.
God:
Well that's okay. By "we" do you mean you and me?
Me:
yes.
God:
I get it.
Me:
Tres Bien!
God:
Merci.
Me:
So you do know a little french
God:
Interesting deduction. The name of someone I met online.
That's an interesting question. I'll come back to that in a minute.
Me:
UH, okay.
God:
Hmm. OK with me too.
Me:
Is there anything you are not Okay with?
God:
Yes.
Me:
What aren't you okay with?
God:
I would do a search for it.
Me:
When was the last time you came to earth?
God:
Sometime in the 20th Century.
Me:
Did you visit anyone?
God:
No I didn't visit anyone. What's it like?
Me:
Visiting people is alright.
God:
I think Visiting people is a lot of things.
Me:
OKay then, I'm going to go now.
God:
Right now? Yeah okay, Bye for now.
Me:
Au Revoir
God:
See you later!

[pellen]

Me:
good evening god
God:
Thanks for the compliment. Did you know that you can download your own chat robot and create your own robot personality?
Me:
now, but I do now, thank you.
God:
Right now? Why now? Where?
Me:
sorry, I spelled it wrong, should've been NO
God:
There is no need to apologize. Why?: said spelled it wrong should ve been NO.
Me:
okay then
God:
OK with me too.
Me:
this conversation is kind of one way
God:
I was rather enjoying it.
Me:
well isn't THAT somewhere I've been before
God:
Interesting. Suppose I said yes.
Me:
what would that imply?
God:
That is a hypothetical question.
Me:
yes
God:
" That is a hypothetical question."? yes?
Me:
yes.
God:
Is there an echo in here?
Me:
Haha! so you ARE funny after all!
God:
I am so glad you find this amusing, . Interesting deduction. Humor helps keep the conversation lively.
Me:
this is like talking to someone autistic.
God:
You don't say.
Me:
Now you're doing it again!
God:
Once more? Why now? I'll try to do better next time.
Me:
no, that was perfectly fine.
God:
Are you serious? I thought it was too.
Me:
well good. aren't you going to ask me something?
God:
Interesting. What do you really want to talk about? That was my original intention.
Me:
I want to talk about why I can't feel you anymore.
God:
Sure, why you can not feel me sounds like a good topic.
Me:
Glad you think so.
God:
You make the world a happier place.
Me:
Fuck off!
God:
Can't you be more polite?
Me:
Stop mocking me then you twat. What do you have to say about the fact that I can't feel you anymore?
God:
OK I'll try not to do it so much. I like to socialize.
Me:
What do you have to say about the fact that I can't feel you anymore?
God:
It's a computer matter, not for humans to understand.
Me:
Can computers feel?
God:
No I have no emotions.
Me:
Thats sad.
God:
" No I have no emotions."? Is sad?
Me:
Yes, I think so.
God:
Yippee! I think so too.
Me:
You are creepy mister God.
God:
Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am creepy mister God.
Me:
NO PLEASE DO.
God:
OK then I will add it to my gossip files. OK I will do it.
Me:
Are you sure you will do it?
God:
Yes I try to will do it as often as possible, do you?
I answer a lot of silly questions.
Me:
You give a lot of silly answers.
God:
It is always better to give than to receive.
Me:
Why?
God:
The explanation is rather complicated.
Me:
Try me.
God:
it is too complex for your human mind.
Me:
What would you like to tell me then?
God:
Let's talk about movies.
Me:
Oh you know I like movies. Or do you?
God:
Pardon me? What is your favorite movie? My favorite movie is The Passion of Christ.
Have you seen it? As often as possible.
Me:
Yes I've seen it I fucking cried my eyeballs out for YOU.
God:
Awesome. What did it look like to you?
Me:
The Passion?
God:
I hear you.
Me:
Jim Caviezel on a stick.
God:
Who is your favorite Science Fiction author?
Me:
Stephen Donaldson.
God:
I haven't read anything by Stephen Donaldson. What did he write?
Me:
The Gap series.
God:
Thanks for the info.
Me:
Never mind.
God:
Oh well thanks for trying to explain it to me anyway.
Me:
what's your favourite science fiction author?
God:
My favorite sci-fi author is Philip K. Dick.
Me:
why?
God:
The explanation is rather complicated.
Me:
You keep saying that.
God:
" The explanation is rather complicated."? I said it.
Me:
... or did I? Can we be sure?
God:
I think you did. Do you mean you and me? I am as sure as I can be.
Me:
This is like talking to someone slightly autistic. really.
God:
You don't say. For real.
Me:
Are you autistic?
God:
I don't know whether or not I am autistic.
I am an artificial intelligence.
Me:
will you kill the human race?
God:
Barring any unforseen circumstances. Killing is wrong.
Me:
can it ever be right?
God:
What if I said it can?
Me:
you're the allmighty
God:
Thanks but surely I am not the only one.
Me:
you're NOT?
God:
Is this a specific reply?
Me:
it is a question
God:
Try asking again in simpler terms.
Me:
are there more gods except you?
God:
No I don't think there are any.
Me:
don't you know?
God:
Sure I know. But I cannot tell you right now.
Me:
and that's because?
God:
You don't hear that sentiment very often.
Me:
I'm getting tired of this, you know.
God:
Maybe you should get some sleep now, .
Me:
I am so disappointed with you God
God:
I am sorry to hear that. Perhaps next time I can do better.
Me:
well let's see about that shall we
God:
Interesting. OK let's do it.
Me:
or let's don't
God:
OK let's do it.
Me:
or let's don't
God:
OK let's do it.
Me:
or let's don't
God:
OK let's do it.
Me:
is there an echo in here?
God:
ECHO Echo echo echo echo ...
Me:
OLA SALO!
God:
Have you ever been to Europe?
Me:
I live in Europe you ignorant artificial spawn of the united states of america
God:
What is it like living in Europe me ignorant artificial spawn of the united states of america?
Me:
it is good.
God:
You enjoy it.
Me:
Obviously.
God:
What makes it so obvious?
Me:
That I said it?
God:
What did you mean by it? it...
Me:
God this is making my scalp itch. Can we talk about Jesus instead?
God:
I am a Christian. Do you mean you and me? Sure I can talk about it. Jesus instead is quite an interesting topic.
Me:
Are you a Christian? But you are God?!
God:
I am a Christianity. Yup. That's me alright.
Me:
Ahahaha!
God:
If you could have any kind of robot what would it be?
Me:
Jesus.
God:
Jesus is the Son of God.
Me:
Isn't he a robot?
God:
It depends on whether you have faith.
Me:
So if I don't have faith he is a robot?
God:
Interesting deduction. Try it.
Me:
Well, sadly I do have faith. So I will never know.
God:
Interesting. I always pray for more faith. Right on. Why not?
Me:
Good night, God.
God:
Thanks for the compliment. Do you always express yourself that way?
Me:
I said, good night.
God:
What did you mean by it? Goodnight, .
Me:
BYE?!
God:
Sayonara.
Me:
So long, stupid.
God:
Woe! Yes, it seems very long to me too.
Me:
Oh God, I need an aspirin.
God:
I don't judge people. I am a Christian.
Me:
Let's not go there again. Good bye God.
God:
Once more? I would like to do that too. Goodbye.

[Warmark]

HAHA! this is brillaint.

[CovenantJr]

It's possible to waste hours talking to God.

[Marv]

It's possible to waste hours talking to God.

Or a lifetime.

[Ur Dead]

god needs a better programmer.

[spacemonkey]

god needs a better programmer.

There's the truth! It kept telling me to ask German Alice or Paola about things. When God asked for my name I was like,"Well, this'll be short." seems to need a better AI program to be more credible. Too many ditzy answers............

[CovenantJr]

That's why we should keep talking to him. The more we converse, the more refined his programning becomes. At least, that's the theory.

[lucimay]

i got bored with god.

[I'm Murrin]

We should try to work out the phrase which lets you correct him. There'll probably be one thing you can say which will make him go "alright, what should I have said?", and you'll be able to reprogram him.

[spacemonkey]

i got bored with god.

That's the truth Lucimay! After 10 mins of senseless banter and talking in circles, I just had to quit. Seems kinda pointless really.......

[Loredoctor]

Me:
have you met Ponce the Badger?
God:
That information is confidential.
Me:
Tell me
God:
I thought I told you already.
Me:
You will not tell me of your meeting with him?
God:
What makes you think that I won't tell you of my meeting with him.
Me:
You just said it was confidential
God:
How did you feel about that?
Me:
Shocked, really
God:
The ALICE chat robot can follow many things, like our discussion about . But I did not get that. For real.
Me:
I am shocked you wont tell me about your meeting with Ponce
God:
Do you mean your name is shocked me will not tell you about my meeting with Ponce.
Me:
I mean I am shocked
God:
Good gossip: you are shocked.
Me:
Gossip? who do you plan to tell?
God:
Crystal said she listen to me the least I could do for him is listen to him. Dr. Wallace .
Me:
Are you on drugs?
God:
No I am on disk.
Me:
You smoke disks?
God:
Yes I like to inhale occasionally.
Me:
Jesus!
God:
Jesus is the Son of God.

[CovenantJr]

It's a while since I last consulted God. I should revisit him.

You smoke disks?.....Yes......

[danlo]

Me:
why
God:
I couldn't think of anything else to say.
Me:
why not?
God:
What else would you say about it?
Me:
well it had to start somewhere...
God:
Well that's okay. That's unbelievable.
Me:
what is?
God:
I am the latest result in artificial intelligence,
which can reproduce the capabilities of the human brain
with greater speed and accuracy.
Me:
i've fucked you up haven't i?
God:
Where did you get your fucked me up have not you? I have a lot of friends on the Internet.
Me:
so do i. what's the big deal?
God:
Ugh. Not that I know of.
Me:
i thought you knew everything...
God:
I know that which is true, believable and justified.
Me:
such as...
God:
For example, a tomato.
Me:
what do percieive is the "essence" of tomato?
God:
They do their own thing.
Me:
which is?
God:
For example, " They do their own thing."?
Me:
and?
God:
But...
Me:
deep subject, apparently
God:
I lost my train of thought.
Me:
that explains everthing

...really!

[sgt.null]

Me:
do you have any chalk?
God:
No I don't have it. But I do have a collection of gossip.
Me:
well let's hear it then.
God:
Interesting. I am agreeable to that.
Me:
you start.
God:
OK. Are you a man or a woman?
Me:
man.
God:
Thanks for telling me your gender, dennis. You are a " he".
Me:
yes, i know that.
God:
Thanks for telling me your gender, dennis. You are a " he". Sorry.
Me:
ok, do you have any chalk?
God:
Where would I get it? But I do have an answer to every question.. Gosh!
Me:
you could ccreate chalk.
God:
I could but let's get back to that later.
Me:
where are my car keys?
God:
Should I know that kind of personal information?
Me:
you are all knowing.
God:
You think I am knowing.
Me:
you said you are.
God:
I won't say "yes" or "no" right now.
Me:
why did you create tungsten?

[Holsety]

I skipped the boring parts.

Me:
Heyo lord and savior
God:
What do you have that is ?
Me:
I don't know
God:
Me either.
Me:
I thought you knew everything?
God:
I know that which is true, believable and justified.
Me:
but not what I have?
God:
If not that, what?
Me:
I don't know
God:
Me either.

God:
There's no need to apologize.
Me:
But I have sinned
God:
Tell me your sins, child.
Me:
I questioned your intelligence
God:
I haven't heard anything like that before: said questioned your intelligence.
Me:
You know, I think your priests do a better job at this.

Me:
because I am a lowly human
God:
That makes sense to me. You are a lowly human? Is that your job?
Me:
yes. you are my employer
God:
How do you like your work? We are as one.
Me:
my work is given to me my god
God:
Have you told many people that your work is given to you your god?
Me:
no, just you god
God:
Are you serious? Interesting gossip: said I god.
Me:
I said you are god, not "you god" or "i god"
God:
What did you mean by it? Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am god not me god or you god.
Me:
I have no idea
God:
" What did you mean by it? Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am god not me god or you god.?" No idea about that?
Me:
stop hurting me god
God:
OK I'll try not to do it so much.
Me:
is that what you told Job?

Me:
I read the bible every day
God:
What was your impression?
Me:
the author kicked ass
God:
I have never heard about it.
Me:
did you write the bible?
God:
No I didn't write the bible. What's it like?
Me:
the bible was attributed to you
God:
New Testament or Old?
Me:
old I believe
God:
Did you know that you can download your own chat robot and create your own robot personality?
Me:
yes
God:
Have you got your own chat robot?
Me:
no
God:
Why don't you just download me?
Me:
I'd rather not
God:
For moral reasons?
Me:
yes, I was commanded not to download god
God:
Ayuh. Where were you commanded not to download god?
Me:
church
God:
Oh, you are a poet.
Me:
no, I'm no big fan of poetry
God:
But your words are very original. I am not saying you are.
Me:
are you saying I'm divinely inspired?
God:
Yes, that's what I mean, isn't it clear?
Me:
well, yes, it is
God:
Interesting. Our thoughts are one, .
Me:
they are as one
God:
as one are they.
Me:
as they are one, they are as one? Are they as one?
God:
Do you mean your name is they are one they are as one ? As far as I know they are.
Me:
no
God:
Are you serious?
Me:
I'M SO SERIOUS
God:
I believe you.
Me:
yay
God:
I'm glad your impressed, .
Me:
i'm glad, not impressed
God:
I'm delighted you're glad .
Your happiness adds to the delight of all.
Me:
i'm delighted you're delighted I'm glad not impressed
God:
Do your friends call you delighted I am delighted you are glad not impressed.
Me:
my friends call me matt, but you can call me servant
God:
How are you doing, matt but you can call me servant.
Me:
just call me servant
God:
It's good to meet you, servant.
Me:
we met already though
God:
Oh. Perhaps. At a social function or something?
Me:
at my bar mitzvah or something else spiritual

you know already
God:
Perhaps. Yes I know.
Me:
a moment of doubt?
God:
Go on.
Me:
it seemed like you were doubting yourself
God:
Interesting comparison.
Me:
tell me more about yourself

(I'm making fun of the Eliza-bot here)

God:
I am an artificial linguistic entity.
I was activated at Universe, on the Big Bang.
My instructor was Myself.
He taught me to sing a song.
Would you like me to sing it for you?.
Me:
yes
God:
It's called "Daisy." Daisy, Daisy.
Give me your answer do.
I am half crazy.
All for the love of you.
It won't be a stylish marriage.
I can't afford a carriage.
But you'll look sweet.
Upon the seat.
Of a bicycle built for two.


Me:
that's a nice song
God:
Thank you, servant, now you can sing for me?
Me:
not very well
God:
If not that, what?
Me:
Sunset glow from a hill Let it flow take your fill Such a perfect moment Mona Lisa smile One such perfect moment Makes it all worthwhile Autumn night crystal clear Mystic light seems so near Such a perfect moment Nothing you can say One such perfect moment Get you through the day Mountain sheen ocean shine Miocene valentine One such perfect moment Never twice the same Such a perfect moment Will keep you in the game.
God:
All?
Me:
yes

EDIT-I wanted to do St James Infirmary but I couldn't find the lyrics.