Kevin's Watch

Posted: **Fri Dec 15, 2006 6:19 am**

Wrote this just now, while somewhat sleep-deprived. Short, strange, and probably pretty disjointed. And the first line, which popped half-formed into my head as the seed for it, doesn't match the style of the rest at all.

Our coats snap shiver in the wind as we rough and tumble down the wayside, night's clammy darkness broken by the spotlights. I bring my knife, my sweet slick blade, and Cory has the bit of chain we found up above. The foe comes on the farside, two of them for two of us, crowbar and cleaver. We meet them in the middle, where the spotlights meet, where the spots light the street, and battle begins. Cory's got the two of them on him right away, and he's fouling up the crowbar with his bit of chain, but he can't stop the cleaver that stabs at his side; he blocks it with a fist, and the blood falls crimson on the concrete where he's cut. I get close and cleaver turns to meet me, and it's jab and block and parry, only my knife's not so big, so I make sure he's the one that's doing all the blocking. With a yank from Cory crowbar's lost it and takes a chain link in the face, and he's down for the count. Two on one now, only one of us bleeding. Cory swings at the cleaver with his bit of chain, but it's got his blood on and he won't get close to it, so I go in on the other side and cleaver turns to block me, and gets the chain on his shoulder for it. Now crowbar's groaning on the ground and Cory turns to give him another, and while he's off swinging I've got cleaver on the guard, backing away as I slash and jab fast as he can keep up. Cory's not paying attention, still swinging at crowbar who lies on the ground not groaning. I back cleaver too close and he hops away from the knife and into Cory's gut; Cory stops swinging. That's when I'm in and the knife finds his ribs--one, two, three, and cleaver's on the ground and he's not groaning either.
Cory's bleeding bad, and he's crying, Help me, Mikey, so I do--one in the eye, and he won't cry any more. Then I'm off and scrambling up the wayside, and it's time to look for somewhere to lie until morning; and then I need to find me a new friend.

Posted: **Mon Jan 08, 2007 3:39 am**

Wow. . . nice and gritty!

Posted: **Mon Jan 08, 2007 6:28 am**

very good, i like how it plays when spoken outloud.

Posted: **Tue Jan 16, 2007 7:37 am**

Damn! I like it. Could be a scene from that post-apocalyptic junk-yard thing...(that was you wasn't it?) Gritty indeed.

--A

Posted: **Wed Jan 17, 2007 3:26 pm**

It's an interesting technique to turn the "foes" into their weapons. They aren't people. They are crowbars and cleavers. This could be used in an ironic manner to highlight their lack of humanity, if that were your goal. However, in this brief snippet, it merely reduces them as characters. If the other two characters were strong enough to carry the scene, then this would be fine. This IS how fights appear from the inside . . . they are not conversations where you get to know people. They are chaos incarnate, where people ARE "reduced," both literally and morally. But the scene is too short to distinguish whether or not you've achieved this effect in the context of the story, or if the characters are merely "under-written."

In other words: good stuff, has potential, but without the context of the rest of the story, it's difficult to evaluate.

Posted: **Wed Jan 17, 2007 5:45 pm**

Well, there isn't a 'rest of the story' to put this in. I produce a lot of little fragments of writing, but stories don't come easily for me. In the fragments I do produce, I guess I don't think much about what I'm doing--I just follow the scene along and try to hold onto the voice I've established with the first lines. I suppose it is the way you describe it--the character in the scene doesn't see them as people, and so on--but it's not really something I do consciously; it's character that comes out of my attempt to hold the right voice.
I've edited this post three times now, because I'm not sure exactly what I'm trying to say above.
Hmm. You've got me thinking about the way I work, the hows and whys. Thanks for that.

Posted: **Wed Jan 17, 2007 6:46 pm**

You've got me thinking about the way I work, the hows and whys. Thanks for that.

Cool, I'm glad I was able to help in that much. My criticism wasn't at all aimed at your actual work here, but in my inability to evaluate it properly without anything else to go on. I noted the positives--which can also be negatives, given the context from which you chose to view them. I liked how you talked about "crowbar" as an object to confront, and also a person groaning on the ground. Crowbars don't groan. Juxtapositions of usage like this makes the reader pause, and think about the very issues I mentioned (people being inhuman, people being physical obstacles, people being something that can take or lose life).

You've got action here. Now make it a story. Ask yourself why these people are fighting. What do they have to lose which is greater than losing their humanity in such an objectified manner? Or have they already lost their humanity long before this conflict, and that is what enables them to achieve such violence?

Posted: **Thu Jan 18, 2007 6:12 am**

Good posts Malik.

I think that this

...to lie until morning; and then I need to find me a new friend.

suggests that they've already lost their humanity long before...perhaps born without it as we would understand (lack of socialisation?) it.

--A

Posted: **Thu Jan 18, 2007 1:24 pm**

Malik23 wrote:Ask yourself why these people are fighting. What do they have to lose which is greater than losing their humanity in such an objectified manner? Or have they already lost their humanity long before this conflict, and that is what enables them to achieve such violence?

Excellent posting.

Posted: **Sun Jan 21, 2007 10:32 pm**

I know I am echoing whats been said here, but I will anyway

1. I really like it, thinks it is very well written.
2. I think it stands alone by itself, one of those slice-of-life pieces.
3. I love how you used the weapons as metaphors for the people. It shows the protagonists dont see a difference between 'man-wielding-cleaver' and just 'cleaver'.

well done. I really enjoyed it.

Kevin's Watch

A Fight

A Fight