Page 1 of 2

Dust/The Last Knight (working titles)

Posted: Sat Feb 03, 2007 6:34 pm
by I'm Murrin
I was going to post excerpts in the Urban Drift Novel(la) in a Weekend Challenge thread, but considering the way that's gone, I don't think it's right to make any further claims of participation in that, heh.
Anyhow, I've started writing a new story, and I'm going to post excerpts from it now and then in here, as part of the manifold forms of motivation I'm trying to get to keep me working on it. For the next couple of days I'm still on a 'write as much as I possibly can' thing, then after that I'll be trying to work to a daily minimum. I'll post an excerpt from a new part at least once a week (there's that motivation thing again).
If I miss a week, badger me about it, please.

Here's the opening, which I posted in the other thread:
Sunlight slanted from above, glinting off a thousand empty suits of armour. Dust floated in the air, gathered on cuirass and pauldrons, shield and vambrace. A thousand helmets hung from wooden stands, a thousand shields stood propped against empty greaves. The ghosts of a thousand warriors hung there, enshrined in steel; each suit a life lost, each shield a memorial.
The dust, hung suspended, now stirred as ripples and eddies swirled outward, the serene quiet shattered by the the thud of boots. The last of them strode into the stillness, between the ranks of his forebears. From the oldest of them, torn and battle-scarred under their grimy shroud, he passed forward through history. Their aspect changed as the years pass by; marks of battle gave way to signs of decadence, to gilt and polish, epaulets and engravings. The hall's central rows were filled with ceremonial attire.
The survivor paid no heed to the past that surrounded him; he moved on, head high, face forward, toward the present. Around him, the gilt faded; the engravings became less elaborate; ceremony set aside as the twilight years approach. Grey streaked his temples, like the last clinging fragment of a youth long past—the rest of his hair was white as fresh snow.

And from the second day's work:
“This kingdom is dead, Lucan, and though we may soon join it, for now we remain. What kind of life is this, to moulder in dust until death claims us?” A spark of passion lit in her eyes as she spoke. “No, I will not die here. Let us leave this place for the ghosts.” Her eyes rose once more, and this time she looked beyond the shining ranks of the dead, beyond her nation's history to the great doors through which the knight had entered. There, hung above the frame, stood her family's crest: a ship riding high upon the waves, above it the paired image of shield and crown. “My ancestors were not from this land. They came here long ago, from across the sea. They did not belong here, but they made this place their own. Now that time is passed.” Her gaze fell, and in that moment Lucan saw a weariness in her that he had never known she possessed. For the first time, he saw the truth of her. “We are all that remains. Lucan--” her eyes bored into his own, seemed to plead with him though she knew he could refuse her nothing “--I want to go home.”
The revelation—her weakness—it was too much. Tears welled in the old knight's eyes. He could not offer her comfort, so, lowering himself to his knees once more, he gave her the only thing that he could.
“I am yours to command, my Queen.”

Count: 859 words

Posted: Mon Feb 05, 2007 1:28 am
by SothuTheUnfetterdOne.
Its pretty good.
read mine!!!!!!!

Posted: Mon Feb 05, 2007 5:49 pm
by CovenantJr
I like it, and I'm interested to see where it goes. Keep chipping away.

Posted: Mon Feb 05, 2007 6:53 pm
by I'm Murrin
I realised a couple of things today. One: I jumped ahead. The decision to leave shouldn't happen until later in the story. Two: I don't know what to put in the space between the opening and that bit, other than making a better introduction for the character of the queen.
I also need to rewrite that conversation for where it does happen; I don't like the way it came out.

Posted: Thu Feb 15, 2007 1:17 pm
by CovenantJr
Well? Where's the next bit? [/badger]

Posted: Thu Feb 15, 2007 6:38 pm
by I'm Murrin
Took your time. :P
...I'm busy today. Badger me tomorrow.

Posted: Thu Feb 15, 2007 7:12 pm
by CovenantJr
Hmm... This Badger-On-Request gig is more challenging than it seems. :lol:

Posted: Tue Feb 20, 2007 12:08 am
by I'm Murrin
Okay... I'm getting back onto this. I've disappointed myself by not keeping up with it; the stuff I'm writing today isn't coming out right, but I hope to get back into the swing of it soon. Excerpt soon.

Posted: Tue Feb 20, 2007 12:45 am
by I'm Murrin
Okay. It's a fragment, and I'm not satisfied with the structure, but i'm reasonably happy with this passage.
The coach, occupying the centre, was in its element. Wood cracked and pale, frame twisted, fragments of black paint clinging to isolated splinters. The two horses hitched to the front, dark and bay, were equally ancient. Lucan was tying the reins of the third horse—this one grey—to its side. The knight's movements were slow, deliberate. He handled the horse with an easy familiarity, whispering to it as he checked the reins and the straps that held his belongings on its back. When everything was secure, he patted it on the nose, then walked back toward the stable door. Against the wall there stood his shield—on it, a tall oak spread its leaves over a field of blue and white.
Either this is a shorter piece, without action but plenty of theme, or a plot is going to materialise out of somewhere later. whatever it is, I kind of like it, and if only I can get into a steady pace I might enjoy putting it together.

Posted: Tue Feb 20, 2007 1:55 am
by Tulizar
Nice so far. You have a pretty cool writing style. It's succinct, yet not lacking in imagery. I love stories that can convey descriptive elements--enough to engage the reader--without wasting too many words!

Posted: Tue Feb 20, 2007 2:01 am
by I'm Murrin
I've always been prone to cut words out rather than putting them in. It was always a problem when writing essays with a minimum wordcount--I'd get all the information down, then have to pad until it hit the right count--which could be difficult; you can only do so much padding, after all. My writing has kept a lot of that side in it. I can find it difficult to write long, descriptive passages, because the small pieces come more naturally to me.
Today's excerpt is a little too choppy, I think. I've been getting like that, lately, using a lot of colons and semi-colons, sentence fragments. I think it comes from the book I'm reading at the minute (which would be Salman Rushdie's The Satanic Verses).

Posted: Tue Feb 20, 2007 6:21 am
by Avatar
Murrin wrote:...you can only do so much padding, after all.
:lol: My problem is the opposite...I use too manywords, and struggle to cut them.

--A

Posted: Tue Feb 27, 2007 4:08 pm
by I'm Murrin
Oh. Now this is a surprise. I've been stalled since that last bit, as before, because I wasn't sure what story I was telling. But it's beginning to form, and I'm surprised by the way its rearranging itself here.
One: Lucan is not the last knight. There are two.
Two: And it's not Lucan who goes with the queen. It's Tristram.

...I'll try to get on with writing some of this later this week, see how it falls out.

Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2007 1:25 am
by I'm Murrin
Argh. End of term this week, maybe I can get back onto this during the hols. A little pissed at myself for not keeping it up, but really my workload this term has been much larger than expected.

Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2007 5:16 am
by Avatar
You should never need to make excuses for being lazy. ;)

--A

Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2007 12:43 pm
by CovenantJr
When you're too lazy to make excuses, that's real laziness. ;) Congratulations, Avatar. ;)

You'd better keep going with this, Murrin. I'm enjoying it. Slowly. :P

Posted: Fri Mar 23, 2007 2:41 pm
by CovenantJr
*taps foot*

Posted: Fri Mar 23, 2007 5:08 pm
by I'm Murrin
Hey, I only got home on Wednesday evening--I'm still settling in. :P

Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2007 7:01 am
by Avatar
CovenantJr wrote:When you're too lazy to make excuses, that's real laziness. ;) Congratulations, Avatar. ;)
LMAO. Hey, real laziness takes more work than you'd think. ;)

--A

Posted: Fri Mar 30, 2007 12:47 pm
by CovenantJr
Murrin, you pansy! :evil:

You asked for badgering. You'll get it.