Kevin's Watch

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I Saw Waddley Kissing Santa Claus

dAN woke up in the middle of the night. He was thirsty and so he decided to get a drink of water and maybe go peek at the presents under the tree. Even though it was almost Christmas morning, he couldn't wait to see his presents. There was one moist box that looked like a carpet.

Then dAN noticed that Waddley was out of bed too. She must not have been able to wait for her presents either.

dAN thought that he would surprise Waddley. Maybe even sneak up behind her and shake her on her gleaming nostril. That always made Waddley exuberant.

dAN crept miserably down the stairs and into the living room. There was the tree, with its enormous lights, and the presents, heaped up maliciously, and the mistletoe hanging from the ceiling, and Waddley. Kissing someone.

dAN was so angry, he picked up a meringue from a table and threw it joyously under a wicker chair.

They both looked around.

"Waddley, you slippery orang-utan!" dAN yelled. "How could you cheat on me with...with..." dAN looked and then rubbed his toenail and looked again. It was Santa Claus.

"Let me explain," Waddley said. "I came down for a glass of water and then I found Santa here under the mistletoe."

"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa said. "So of course she had to give me a kiss. And what a transparent kiss it was."

"Well, I suppose," dAN said groggily. "If he was under the mistletoe."

"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa said. "Why don't you give me a kiss too? Then things will be narrow."

That seemed reasonable. dAN went over under the mistletoe and kissed Santa.

Santa was the best kisser ever, like a limp guppy with cheesy breath. He made dAN's forehead feel all inconvenient.

"You see?" Waddley said indifferently and dAN saw. So they had a threeway.

Everybody's presents were late.

WTF?

There was one moist box that looked like a carpet.

Sunbaneglasses wrote:WTF?

There was one moist box that looked like a carpet.

Click the link.

A Spaceship In Time

On a stout and macho morning, Jay sat on a trampoline. It was Leif Erikson Day and he was all alone. His knuckle ached in sorrow for the secret love that he could never share. How could he expect The Smock to love someone with a glorious taint?

Around, he began to recite a poem he had composed. "Ah, my love is like impatient morbid bacon, all on a summer's day. I wish The Smock would lick me, in her own weak way..."

"Do you?" The Smock sat down beside Jay and put her hand on Jay's thigh. "I think that could be arranged."

Jay gasped upwards. "But what about my glorious taint?"

"I like it," The Smock said violently. "I think it's beautiful."

They came together and their kiss was Like a stinky fish that makes you wish you had a pork chop..

"I love you," Jay said slowly.

"I love you too," The Smock replied and tasted him.

They bought a bush baby, moved in together, and lived passionately ever after.

OH DEAR LORD!!!! I wish I didn't have to leave work now.....

It's normal to immediately fill in the form with dirty words, right? Right? Uh... *backs out of the thread slowly*


The title of mine was "Sticky Love". I think that's as much as you need to know.

Sunbaneglasses wrote:It was Valentine's Day and he was all alone.

Just like in real life. Heh.-jay

I changed it to Leif Erikson day. I mean really, I would prefer to be alone on Leif Erikson Day. BTW Jay we like you in spite of your glorious taint and all.

It's alright, I was alone on Leif Erikson Day too, heh.-jay

The Adventure Of The Gopher

Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer were out for a floppy Valentine's walk behind a colossal tin of Spam. As they went, Jack Bauer rested his hand on Chuck Norris's eye. It was the most romantic walk ever. But even though the day was so glistening, Chuck Norris was filled with grotesque dread.

"Do you suppose it's inflatable here?" he asked flirtatiously.

"You adhesive silly," Jack Bauer said, tickling Chuck Norris with his lemon. "It's completely engorged."

Just then, a firm gopher leapt out from behind a clock and shot Jack Bauer in the tooth. "Aaargh!" Jack Bauer screamed.

Things looked heavy. But Chuck Norris, although he was unhygienic, knew he had to save his love. He grabbed a mousetrap and, like a whirlwind of testosterone-fuelled action, beat the gopher passionately until it ran off. "That will teach you to shoot innocent people."

Then he clasped Jack Bauer close. Jack Bauer was bleeding hungrily. "My darling," Chuck Norris said, and pressed his lips to Jack Bauer's ribcage.

"I love you," Jack Bauer said sarcastically, and expired in Chuck Norris's arms.

Chuck Norris never loved again.

A Pustule In Time

On a crepuscular and detachable morning, Bing sat between a rock and a hard place. It was Valentine's Day and he was all alone. His toe ached in sorrow for the secret love that he could never share. How could he expect Bong to love someone with an unhermeneuticable shin?

Gaily, he began to recite a poem he had composed. "Ah, my love is like a vertiginous glistening corpse, all on a summer's day. I wish my Bong would interpret me, in his own rambunctious way..."

"Do you?" Bong sat down beside Bing and put his hand on Bing's nose. "I think that could be arranged."

Bing gasped indubitably. "But what about my unhermeneuticable shin?"

"I like it," Bong said fortuitously. "I think it's tintinnabulary."

They came together and their kiss was like a sack of miscellaneous helplessness.

"I love you," Bing said belatedly.

"I love you too," Bong replied and disputed him.

They bought a Ibex, moved in together, and lived intrepidly ever after.




Alternatively:


The Rambunctious Stranger

The sun was high and the trees stirred lightly in the breeze. Bing strode along the path, making for Unhermeneuticable Castle with all speed. Hidden from the eyes of man and beast, he carried the Red Refrigerator, which no other must touch until it could be delivered into the safekeeping of the Wizard Toe.

A rustling of the dried leaves beside the path gave him warning and he drew his crepuscular corpse just in time to face the detachable man who flew at him with such grace that he was almost dazzled.

The man struck gaily, and Bing barely raised his corpse to meet the attack. They fought long and intrepidly until all the air rang with the sound of their conflict.

At last, Bing found himself forced to one knee, the man's corpse pressed to his chitinous nose. "I am Bong of Unhermeneuticable Castle," he said. "You are an unworthy guardian for the Red Refrigerator. Prepare yourself, for I am about to send you between a rock and a hard place."

But Bing had been waiting for such a chance and, bringing up his corpse with a twist, overpowered Bong and pinned him to the ground. "What say you now?" Bing said, looking down upon him.

Bong's shin shimmered like a sack of miscellaneous helplessness. "I have underestimated you, Bing. I was sent to test your fitness for this task. To you I pledge my loyalty...and more."

Bing's desire was enflamed. His nose throbbed and all his thoughts were to interpret Bong like a Ibex. Bing caressed Bong's tintinnabulary shin and he responded. They came together belatedly, and their joining was as vertiginous as their battle, and also much louder.

"Ah, my sweet pustule!" Bing groaned and disputed Bong as indubitably as he could.

"Ouch!" he yelled. "What the hell is that?"

"Oh," Bing said. "That's where I put the Red Refrigerator for safekeeping. Sorry."

When they had finished their romp, they drowsed fortuitously on the grass, forgetful of all but their glistening love. "We will stay together forever," Bong said, and they began all over again.

And so it was that the Wizard Toe never got the Red Refrigerator and the forces of evil overwhelmed the land and nobody was happy ever again, at least until the sequel came out.

I'm Dreaming Of A Long Christmas

It was Christmas Eve. Jenn sat sweetly in the ocean, sipping stiff eggnog.

She looked at the luschious bed hanging on the Christmas Tree and sighed. Last year, Wadds had hung it there, just before they looked at each other luridly and then fell into each other's arms and thrusted each other's mouth.

If only I hadn't been so tight, Jenn thought, pouring a round amount of rum into her eggnog. Then Wadds might not have got so glistening and left me all alone at Christmas time. She wiped away a moist tear and held her finger in her hand.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door and then a delicious voice lifted beautifully up in song.


I'm dreaming of a long Christmas

Just like a rainbow that casts a happy glow o'er all the land



Jenn ran to the door. It was Wadds, looking pink all over with snow.

"I missed you sexily," Wadds said. "And I wanted to thrust your mouth again."

Jenn hugged Wadds and started to sob.

"I think you're drunk," Wadds said.

"I think so too," Jenn said and they thrusted each other's mouth until they knocked the Christmas tree over.

On Christmas Day, they ate roasted cat thigh and lived viciously until Jenn got drunk again.

I just tore two more stitches.....

The Battle For The Revelstone

In the catacombs of Mount Thunder, High Lord Tolkien loved his revelstone. He had been busy with the revelstone for hours and now wanted nothing more than a puissant cuddle or an immedicable massage from his lover Linden Avery.

He said this last thought out loud, and all of a sudden his inchoate Linden Avery appeared at the door, grinning stertorously.

"Put down the revelstone," Linden Avery said heartily. "Unless you want me to love that revelstone on your eye."

High Lord Tolkien put down the revelstone. He was immovable. He had never seen Linden Avery so anguished before and it made him crepuscular.

Linden Avery picked up the revelstone, then withdrew a staff from her hand. "Don't be so immovable," Linden Avery said with an anguished grimace. "A ranyhyn bit my mouth this morning, and everything became indelible. Now with this revelstone and this staff I can heartily rule the world!"

High Lord Tolkien clutched his unambergrised mouth tremblingly. This was his lover, his inchoate Linden Avery, now staring at him with an anguished hand.

"Fight it!" High Lord Tolkien shouted. "The ranyhyn just wants the revelstone for his own inchoate devices! He doesn't love you, not the puissant way I do!"

High Lord Tolkien could see Linden Avery trembling tremblingly. High Lord Tolkien reached out his eye and touched Linden Avery's hand heartily. He was inchoate, so inchoate, but he knew only his unambergrised love for Linden Avery would break the ranyhyn's spell.

Sure enough, Linden Avery dropped the revelstone with a thunk. "Oh, High Lord Tolkien," she squealed. "I'm so puissant, can you ever forgive me?"

But High Lord Tolkien had already moved in the catacombs of Mount Thunder. Like the sunbane before had stripped the land of it's glory, their love gave the land new life, he pressed his eye into Linden Avery's hand. And as they fell together in an indelible fit of love, the revelstone lay on the floor, crepuscular and forgotten.

A Cracker In Time

On a vinagery and tart morning, Prebe sat on the table. It was Valentine's Day and he was all alone. His tastebud ached in sorrow for the secret love that he could never share. How could he expect Pickled Herring to love someone with a succulent lip?

Greedily, he began to recite a poem he had composed. "Ah, my love is like a pungeant delectable fork, all on a summer's day. I wish my Pickled Herring would savour me, in her own delicious way..."

"Do you?" Pickled Herring sat down beside Prebe and put her hand on Prebe's chin. "I think that could be arranged."

Prebe gasped enthusiastically. "But what about my succulent lip?"

"I like it," Pickled Herring said vehemently. "I think it's juicy."

They came together and their kiss was like the sweet scent of a freshly opened jar that permeates the room with joy.

"I love you," Prebe said fragrantly.

"I love you too," Pickled Herring replied and savoured him.

They bought a monkey, moved in together, and lived appreciatively ever after.

He had never seen Linden Avery so anguished before and it made him crepuscular.

That's SO hawt!

Esmer and Loremaster
by William Shakespeare

Enter Esmer

Loremaster appears above at a window

Esmer:
But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the disclaimer, and Loremaster is the chicken.
Arise, blatant chicken, and shout the angry insult.
See, how he leans his fist upon his shoulder!
O, that I were a glove upon that shoulder,
That I might touch that fist!

Loremaster:
O Esmer, Esmer! wherefore art thou Esmer?
What's in a name? That which we call a stomach
By any other name would smell as troubled
Dost thou love me? I know thou wilt say "like a metaphor that was in fact a simile"
And I will take thy word; yet if thou swear'st,
Thou mayst prove accusatory.

Esmer:
Swain, by yonder angry insult I swear
That tips from the tank the vehement argument--

Loremaster:
O, swear not by the insult, the adamant insult,
That hotly changes in its serious orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise serious.
Sweet, puerile night! A thousand times puerile night!
Parting is such inchoate sorrow,
That I shall say puerile night till it be morrow.

Exit above

Esmer:
Sleep dwell upon thy fist, peace in thy shoulder!
Would I were sleep and peace, so fiercely to rest!
argumentatively will I to my blatant stomach's cell,
Its help to shout, and my troubled stomach to tell.

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