Kevin's Watch

I culled this from a longer list:

A guy with your IQ should have a low voice too!

A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind.

Alone: In bad company.

Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

As useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker. ~ Earl Pitts ~

Converse with any plankton lately?

Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?

Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.

He has depth, but only on the surface. Down deep inside, he is shallow.

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

I worship the ground that awaits you.

I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

I'm blonde, what's your excuse?

It is mind over matter. I don't mind, because you don't matter.

Moonlight becomes you - total darkness even more!

Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.

Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was.

They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.

We all spring from apes but you didn't spring far enough.

Would you like some cheese and crackers to go with that whine?

You're like one of those "idiot savants," except without the "savant" part.

You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.

You're so stupid you threw a rock at the ground and missed.

Reminds me of a few of my little sayings:

A guy with your IQ should have a low voice too!

You're the only person I know with a negative IQ number!

Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

Did you go to school to be that stupid, or does it just come naturally?

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.

She/He has the looks that would make a train back-up and take a dirt road.

You're so stupid you threw a rock at the ground and missed.

You're so stupid that you think intercourse is a highway in Germany.

As useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker.

As useless as a kick-stand on a horse.

Also: Does your parents ever admit to having any children?
(Someone who is u-g-l-y!)

He's so dumb we ought to tape a key to his ass and stick him in the garden.

If he was any dumber we'd have to water him twice a day.

I particularly liked these:

Vain wrote:Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

I worship the ground that awaits you.

Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.

We all spring from apes but you didn't spring far enough.

You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.

I shall have to remember to use them.

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK ... (insults for the office)

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

10. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist..

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40. Oh I get it... like humor.... But different.

Elfgirl wrote: 10. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

I have this, on a bumper sticker, taped to my desk.

10. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

I thought this was the best one.

Will have to use it at work from now on.