Things EL is no longer allowed to do at work.
Posted: Fri Aug 10, 2007 1:08 pm
I thought some of these might amuse you. All of the following either occured, was mentioned, was mentioned as something I am not allowed to do, is something I did, or something I saw someone else do.
1) No longer allowed to greet any manager, when late, with, "'bout damn time you showed up!"
2) I do not have minions.
3) I am not allowed to recruit minions.
4) I do not speak spanish.
5) I do not speak Spanglish, either.
6) 'Donde estas mi zapados de los maricones,' while funny, is not appropriate for the workplace environment.
7) If no one else speaks the language I am currently shouting in, I am no longer allowed to shout in it.
8) No longer allowed to ask my supervisor, Roberto, how to say anything in Spanish.
9) "My Mother!" is not a valid rejoinder for a swearing competition.
10) I am not allowed to 'fire ze missiles,' even if I take a nap first.
11) Not allowed to call any employee "Groveller"
12) Especially if they're Management.
13) No longer allowed to channel any of the following: Lenny Bruce, Dennis Leary, Lord Foul, Thomas Covenant, Gay Samwise Gamgee, Straight Samwise Gamgee, Bicurious Samwise Gamgee, Abraham Lincoln, Undead Abraham Lincoln, Fidel Castro, Henry Howard Taft, or any of the Marx Brothers.
14) No one wants to hear about TCTC.
15) After discussing Dr. Linden Avery with my Store Manager, I am no longer allowed to work the Kleenex Aisle.
16) Or paper products all together, for good measure and safety.
17) I may not 'raid the pharmacy for tasty candy.'
18) Even if my knee-joint just bent the wrong way.
19) Not allowed to die during a robbery, even if it's in a particularly heroic fashion.
20) No, I may not have a week off from work 'because I've been assigned Superboy Prime Duty and I have to fly back to Oa.'
21) Even if I'm wearing the Green Lantern costume at the time.
22) I must stop stalking Brittney.
23) Even if I'm not stalking her.
24) The rules of Physics, Causality, Socio-economics, Morallity, and Ethics do not apply to me while I'm working. Management says so.
25) I am, apparently, responsible for concussions my coworkers recieve when they attempt to scare me.
26) While it's illegal to not return them, I am not required to return fake IDs.
27) Not required to remind minor who just attempted to aquire alcohol that they're leaving their wallet when storming out.
28) Until I've removed all cash from said wallet.
29) Though I am the one who commited said Thievery, I must equitably distribute said spoils with my cohorts.
30) Must not call the cohorts 'cohorts' to their face. Such violates the 'minions' rules.
31) Not allowed to frighten management.
32) If cops are called to the store at 2:30 AM because I've gone outside, and, while on break, have plugged in my strat and amp, and am playing 'I Think I'm Turning Japanese' loud enough to hit the pain threshold for people who still have good hearing, it's not okay if the cops do nothing because 'they think I can really jam.'
33) Not allowed to keep said cops at store for an hour, playing everything I know on guitar for them.
34) Particularly if that means I take 30 minutes more break than allowed.
35) No one wants to hear about how much I love David Bowie.
36) No one wants to hear about how much I want David Bowie to love me.
37) Or how.
38) Not allowed to work on this list while at work.
1) No longer allowed to greet any manager, when late, with, "'bout damn time you showed up!"
2) I do not have minions.
3) I am not allowed to recruit minions.
4) I do not speak spanish.
5) I do not speak Spanglish, either.
6) 'Donde estas mi zapados de los maricones,' while funny, is not appropriate for the workplace environment.
7) If no one else speaks the language I am currently shouting in, I am no longer allowed to shout in it.
8) No longer allowed to ask my supervisor, Roberto, how to say anything in Spanish.
9) "My Mother!" is not a valid rejoinder for a swearing competition.
10) I am not allowed to 'fire ze missiles,' even if I take a nap first.
11) Not allowed to call any employee "Groveller"
12) Especially if they're Management.
13) No longer allowed to channel any of the following: Lenny Bruce, Dennis Leary, Lord Foul, Thomas Covenant, Gay Samwise Gamgee, Straight Samwise Gamgee, Bicurious Samwise Gamgee, Abraham Lincoln, Undead Abraham Lincoln, Fidel Castro, Henry Howard Taft, or any of the Marx Brothers.
14) No one wants to hear about TCTC.
15) After discussing Dr. Linden Avery with my Store Manager, I am no longer allowed to work the Kleenex Aisle.
16) Or paper products all together, for good measure and safety.
17) I may not 'raid the pharmacy for tasty candy.'
18) Even if my knee-joint just bent the wrong way.
19) Not allowed to die during a robbery, even if it's in a particularly heroic fashion.
20) No, I may not have a week off from work 'because I've been assigned Superboy Prime Duty and I have to fly back to Oa.'
21) Even if I'm wearing the Green Lantern costume at the time.
22) I must stop stalking Brittney.
23) Even if I'm not stalking her.
24) The rules of Physics, Causality, Socio-economics, Morallity, and Ethics do not apply to me while I'm working. Management says so.
25) I am, apparently, responsible for concussions my coworkers recieve when they attempt to scare me.
26) While it's illegal to not return them, I am not required to return fake IDs.
27) Not required to remind minor who just attempted to aquire alcohol that they're leaving their wallet when storming out.
28) Until I've removed all cash from said wallet.
29) Though I am the one who commited said Thievery, I must equitably distribute said spoils with my cohorts.
30) Must not call the cohorts 'cohorts' to their face. Such violates the 'minions' rules.
31) Not allowed to frighten management.
32) If cops are called to the store at 2:30 AM because I've gone outside, and, while on break, have plugged in my strat and amp, and am playing 'I Think I'm Turning Japanese' loud enough to hit the pain threshold for people who still have good hearing, it's not okay if the cops do nothing because 'they think I can really jam.'
33) Not allowed to keep said cops at store for an hour, playing everything I know on guitar for them.
34) Particularly if that means I take 30 minutes more break than allowed.
35) No one wants to hear about how much I love David Bowie.
36) No one wants to hear about how much I want David Bowie to love me.
37) Or how.
38) Not allowed to work on this list while at work.
Harsh, man -- I think not being able to channel Bicurious Samwise Gamgee during work hours would be pretty hard on anyone. 
Could we maybe meet at the edge of the state line instead, maybe at that restaurant that Floridians are so fond of - oh, what's it called - Waffle House? 
