Kevin's Watch

Decided to post some of my writing; hoping to get some feedback. I'll be adding to this thread occasionally.



Passing Stranger

Through the eerie, scary, jungle
Where the pretty tigers tangle
And the poison lizards dangle
He creeps

In the desert, burnt and dry
While silent dunes roam softly by
And sand is swallowed by the sky
He sleeps

Under oceans, restless, churning
With their turning and returning
And their hidden, cold lights burning
He weeps

Over jagged mountain ranges
Laughing at the thunder's rages
And the sky's electric dangers
He flies

For the passing of the seasons
And for secret, hidden reasons
For vows broken, and unbroken
And the words as yet unspoken
Constant joining, constant leaving
Twilight joy and midnight grieving
For the raging and abating
For the sorrow always waiting
Harsh delight anticipating
The savage, feral mating
He cries

In a city, grey and dreary
Where the huddled workers scurry
With the burdens they all carry
He dies

Edge...

Do you wish to change the metre so drastically mid-stride? Could you break up the longer verse, and perhaps end it with "He sighs" to tie in the new verse?

Is there a way to begin the longer verse (or the two new shortened ones if you decide to do that) with a preposition, so it keeps the same format throughout?

Edge, ignore her! I love it!! I love the a-a-a-b rhyme scheme in most of the verses, and I love the change in that one! Veeeeeeeery nice!!

I particularly like the oceans and the city.

I love the theme as well. But...I dunno. I was in a The Raven sort of metre there at first...

But again...a creative writer, or any sort of writer, I'm not.

yeah Edge, ignore her.

that's a GREAT middle eight!



(sorry pammy but he DOESN'T break the meter)



that's freakin POE-ESQUE!!! the tintinabulation of the bells bells bells bells bells!!!!

fabulouso! bravisimo!!

*hanging head*

fine...fine...fine...

Dragonlily wrote:

Edge wrote:While silent dunes roam softly by
And sand is swallowed by the sky

precisely.

I'm not usually a fan of rhyming verse, but when it works it works. There's an almost breathless quality to it that I quite like.

Oh, LuciMay...isn't it:

"The tintinabulation that so musically swells
from the bells bells bells bells bells." ?

(That's how I remember it anyway...both maybe included.)

--A

Fist and Faith wrote:

Menolly wrote:*hanging head*

fine...fine...fine...

*slinking out of thread*

*sigh*

It's beautiful my SAIIB.

Thanks for all the comments!

Here's a new one:

Again

every time is like the first
every time i think i've found you
lose myself in childish wonder
surrender myself
time and again
every time I slake my thirst
tear down all my best defences
fall apart and then fall under

I fall to my knees
again and again
and again and again

so once again i'm sitting, waiting
contemplating my position
carefully premeditating
endlessly procrastinating
formulating with precision
working out the path I'm taking
calculating, planning action
never making a decision

where and how should I begin
and should I try
again and again

every time is like the last
every time I wound you deeper
bruise your soul with selfish candor
i perjure myself
time and again
every time the die is cast
one more chance to gain my senses
rise again and rise in splendor

I fall on my face
again and again
and again and again

so once again i'm hesitating
anticipating your derision
endlessly evaluating
carefully communicating
hating every indecision
planning every speech I'm making
every version and revision
calculating each incursion

where and when should I begin
and should I try
again and again

again and again
and again and again

again and again
and again

This is hauntingly beautiful. I can almost hear a melody for it...

WONDERFUL!!

Menolly wrote:This is hauntingly beautiful. I can almost hear a melody for it...

yep. lyrical. i agree.

you're writing lyrics, Edge.

Wow. That's really sad. Beautiful but sad.

Thank you all for the comments.

Here's my latest effort:


she fell to earth, and lost her heart
her fears have come to break her
she tries to rise, but she's on her knees
and the sea knows where to find her

she lost her heart, and found her tears
in dreams, they flow right through her
she tries to rise, but they've flown away
and the sea knows where to find her

she found her tears, and broke her smile
the years are all behind her
she tries to rise, but the days are grey
and the sea knows where to find her

she broke her smile, and made a wish
the stars and heaven guide her
she tries to rise, but the earth is firm
and the sea knows where to find her

she made a wish, and learned to fly
her wings in sunshine blind her
she tries to rise, but the sky's too wide
and the sea knows where to find her

she learned to fly, and found her heart
now days and waves surround her
she tries to rise, but the tide's too high
and the sea knows where to find her

It's beautiful, Brian. *sniff*

damn. I really love those, especially the last two. you have a gift my friend.