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"most-badass-bible-verses"
Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 10:05 pm
by High Lord Tolkien
I have seldom laughed as hard as I did reading this.
The Elisha part with the bears is making me laugh just thinking about it.
It's not the verses that I'm laughing about but the article around it.
Awesome!
I posted in the Tank because I didn't want to offend anyone, although.......
it's not negative at all.
www.cracked.com/article_15699_9-most-ba ... erses.html
Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 10:08 pm
by Cail
I saw this yesterday at work and laughed my ass off. I had no idea where to post it, and figured it would offend too many people to stay posted.
Since you showed the wisdom to post it in one of the forums I mod, I'll fight to leave it up.
Thanks HLT!
Oh, and the bears are great!
Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 11:09 pm
by [Syl]
Sorry, guys. There's no way this fits in the Tank. I'm booting it to The Close.
Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 1:16 am
by High Lord Tolkien
Except that the Close is about religion and this is a pretty sarcastic look at it.
My intent was not to offend anyone.
Many people avoid the Tank because of that.
I even passed on posting it in the General forum too for the same reason.
I thought the Tank was the safest place to get the most discussion.
I imagined that it might also trigger some more sarcasm about other Bible passages too.
Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 1:19 am
by Cail
It probably is more appropriate to General Discussion than either the Tank or the Close, simply because I doubt HLT was intending to start any serious debate about the relative bad-assedness of several Bible verses.
It's certainly not hurting anything in here.
Edit-but alas......
Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 1:25 am
by lucimay
heh. badass sheriff moves badass bible verse thread to close.
Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 2:16 am
by [Syl]
The Close isn't just for theological debates (I used to mod here, y'know). Religious humor is allowed. For instance, there's the "S*** happens, by way of world religions" thread. And if someone reads the title and is still offended when they check out the thread... too bad. So relax. If it doesn't fit here, it doesn't fit anywhere. Since there's nothing current, political, or even jurisprudential, it doesn't fit in the Tank, which is not (necessarily) synonymous with "flamebait dumping ground." <edit: not that I'm saying it's flamebait. Looks fairly innocuous to me. Just in the sense that you expect it might offend someone>
Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 3:13 am
by Holsety
LAWL!
More Jesus:
"Gaze upon our dick tower and despair."
I'm almost completely sure there's a part in this where the priests of Baal start cutting themselves because they're emo over their god losing.
Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 9:53 am
by The Dreaming
"Well," he quips, "looks like someone bit off more than he could Jew."
Lawlz
Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 10:42 am
by The Laughing Man
Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 2:52 pm
by Prebe
From Genesis 34:
25And it came to pass on the third day, when they were sore, that two of the sons of Jacob, Simeon and Levi, Dinah's brethren, took each man his sword, and came upon the city boldly, and slew all the males.
26And they slew Hamor and Shechem his son with the edge of the sword, and took Dinah out of Shechem's house, and went out.
27The sons of Jacob came upon the slain, and spoiled the city, because they had defiled their sister.
28They took their sheep, and their oxen, and their asses, and that which was in the city, and that which was in the field,
29And all their wealth, and all their little ones, and their wives took they captive, and spoiled even all that was in the house.
And theses are the GOOD guys, avenging a virgin spoiled! I'd hate to think what the BAD guys do! Put that in your pipe and smoke it Charles Bronson! Why punish just the rapist? Hey, let's kill all the males, kindap the women (and children) and smash and pillage the whole city while we're at it.
It makes Shakespeares Henry the Fifth look like a benevolent old git!
And all Jacob gives them is a slap on the wrist for making him "stink" to the neighbours.
Sheesh! How could the writers of the very amusing article have missed that piece?
Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 3:21 pm
by Montresor
LOL
And what about turning someone to a pillar of salt just for looking over their shoulder . . .?
Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 3:22 pm
by Menolly
Prebe wrote:From Genesis 34:
25And it came to pass on the third day, when they were sore, that two of the sons of Jacob, Simeon and Levi, Dinah's brethren, took each man his sword, and came upon the city boldly, and slew all the males.
26And they slew Hamor and Shechem his son with the edge of the sword, and took Dinah out of Shechem's house, and went out.
27The sons of Jacob came upon the slain, and spoiled the city, because they had defiled their sister.
28They took their sheep, and their oxen, and their asses, and that which was in the city, and that which was in the field,
29And all their wealth, and all their little ones, and their wives took they captive, and spoiled even all that was in the house.
And theses are the GOOD guys, avenging a virgin spoiled! I'd hate to think what the BAD guys do! Put that in your pipe and smoke it Charles Bronson! Why punish just the rapist? Hey, let's kill all the males, kindap the women (and children) and smash and pillage the whole city while we're at it.
It makes Shakespeares Henry the Fifth look like a benevolent old git!
And all Jacob gives them is a slap on the wrist for making him "stink" to the neighbours.
Sheesh! How could the writers of the very amusing article have missed that piece?
Heh.
Have you read Anita Diamant's
The Red Tent Prebe?
Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 5:55 pm
by Zarathustra
That's one of the funniest things I've seen in a while. Nice find.
Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 5:59 pm
by High Lord Tolkien
Here's the very first penalty for early withdrawal:
Then Judah said to Onan, "Lie with your brother's wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to produce offspring for your brother." But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so whenever he lay with his brother's wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from producing offspring for his brother. What he did was wicked in the LORD's sight; so he put him to death also. -- Genesis 38:8-10 (NIV)
Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 6:08 pm
by High Lord Tolkien
Song of Solomon 5:4
My beloved put in his hand by the hole, and my bowels were moved for him
Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 6:39 pm
by Prebe
Menolly wrote:Have you read Anita Diamant's The Red Tent Prebe?
No, I haven't had the pleasure. What's it about?
Montressor wrote:And what about turning someone to a pillar of salt just for looking over their shoulder
HEY! He TOLD her not to!
HLT/Solomon wrote:My beloved put in his hand by the hole, and my bowels were moved for him
OMFG (quite literally!)
Not just graphic sex, but fisting (detailed to the level of shifting bowels). It is true what the schollars say: You never seize to find new things in the Good Book!
On closer examination
The King James version DID wrote:
4 My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him. [perhaps she just let go a nervous wind?]
5 I rose up to open to my beloved; and my hands dropped with myrrh, and my fingers with sweet smelling myrrh, upon the handles of the lock.
6 I opened to my beloved; but my beloved had withdrawn himself[if you want to stay in the metaphors that one kicks ass!], and was gone: my soul failed when he spake: I sought him, but I could not find him; I called him, but he gave me no answer.
Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 7:36 pm
by [Syl]
I would be entirely unsurprised if that was a dodgy translation. King James' version sucks. Other versions give it as "my heart moved for him." In Hebrew, the verse reads:
דודי שלח ידו מן־החר ומעי המו עליו
I suck at biblical Hebrew, so I'll have to look it up. I know that the word isn't "heart," but... Also, whatever "hole by the door" is, it's one word.
Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 9:04 pm
by Prebe
Way to go Syl! I am rooting for the more colorfull version certainly! I mean, what IS a "hole by the door" anyway, and what does it have to do with bowels???
Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 9:30 pm
by Holsety
