Kevin's Watch

Posted: **Thu Jan 10, 2008 12:07 pm**

Who against who, who would win, and how? Using KW members.

Posted: **Thu Jan 10, 2008 12:09 pm**

Is this a dead pool?

Posted: **Thu Jan 10, 2008 12:11 pm**

depends on whether you follow forum guidelines in your post I guess. I think we can come up with some interesting and exciting matchups, not to mention the hilarity that may (reads: should) ensue!

for the unititiated wrote:Celebrity Deathmatch is a claymation parody television show that pits celebrities against each other in a wrestling ring.

Posted: **Thu Jan 10, 2008 12:28 pm**

Posted: **Thu Jan 10, 2008 12:30 pm**

Esmer VS Damelon. Who would win?

Posted: **Thu Jan 10, 2008 12:33 pm**

well, actually I was hoping you would come up with the match and the "commentary" on your own, but now that I think about it proposing a battle is just as good too. Either/Or is fine with me. We don't have to follow form and everyone should feel free to contribute at their whim.

here's an example to help us out/guide us. Celebrity Deathmatch: Stephen King vs. J.K. Rowling

NOW LET'S GET IT ON!!!

Posted: **Thu Jan 10, 2008 1:07 pm**

Reminds me of the old WWWF Grudge Match site. It's been years since I visited there. Ah, the memories.

Posted: **Thu Jan 10, 2008 1:12 pm**

nice! if you click on Random you can get a good idea how it works, and even cut and paste then tailor to suit to make it a hell of a lot easier! (it doesn't have to be that long either, but as I said: whatever!) thanx Damelon!

Posted: **Thu Jan 10, 2008 1:23 pm**

With 1,600,000 results on Google as compared to 5,590 for Damleon, I rule Esmer the winner of the GoogleFight.

Posted: **Thu Jan 10, 2008 1:31 pm**

excellent! what an innovative idea Balon!

Posted: **Thu Jan 10, 2008 1:33 pm**

Esmer wrote:excellent! what an innovative idea Balon!

Just another reason why I worship the Google.

Posted: **Thu Jan 10, 2008 5:51 pm**

That would be tough. I imagine Esmer is pretty scrappy but Damelon is a big guy with an even bigger heart. I imagine Damelons pinning Es and Es having to call it even.

Posted: **Thu Jan 10, 2008 6:22 pm**

I'll have something to say on this later, but I have to work on it, and I'm stuck at work.

Posted: **Thu Jan 10, 2008 6:29 pm**

Emotional Leper vs Everyone Else.

Everyone Else won by a landslide

Posted: **Thu Jan 10, 2008 7:56 pm**

Probably not exactly what you're looking for, Esmer, but this is recast from a classic Monty Python skit.

'Archeology Today'

The cast:
• Esmer
• Balon
• Damelon
• Lucimay

The sketch:
• (ANIMATION: a sketch about an archaeological find leads to a caption on screen: 'ARCHAEOLOGY TODAY' Interview set for archaeology programme. Chairman and two guests sit in chain in front of a blow-up of an old cracked pot.)
• Esmer: Hello. On 'Archaeology Today' tonight I have with me Professor Balon of Oslo University.
• Balon: Good evening.
• Esmer: How tall are you, professor?
• Balon: ... I beg your pardon?
• Esmer: How tall are you?
• Balon: I'm about five foot ten.
• Esmer: ... and an expert in Egyptian 'tomb paintings. Damelon... (turning to Balon) are you really five foot ten?
• Balon: Yes.
• Esmer: Funny, you look much shorter than that to me. Are you slumped forward in your chair at all?
• Balon: No, er I...
• Esmer: Extraordinary. Damelon, who's just returned from the excavations in El Ara, and you must be well over six foot. Isn't that right, Damelon?
• Damelon: (puzzled) Yes.
• Esmer: In fact, I think you're six foot five aren't you?
• Damelon: Yes.
• (Applause. Damelon looks up in amazement.)
• Esmer: Oh, that's marvellous. I mean you're a totally different kind of specimen to Balon. Straight in your seat, erect, firm.
• Damelon: Yes. I thought we were here to discuss archaeology.
• Esmer: Yes, yes, of course we are, yes, absolutely, you're absolutely right! That's positive thinking for you. (to Balon) You wouldn't have said a thing like that, would you? You five-foot-ten weed. (he turns his back very ostentatiously on Balon) Damelon, (who's very interesting) what have you discovered in the excavations at El Ara?
• Damelon: (picking up a beautiful vase) Well basically we have found a complex of tombs...
• Esmer: Very good speaking voice.
• Damelon: ... which present dramatic evidence of Polynesian influence in Egypt in the third dynasty which is quite remarkable.
• Esmer: How tall were the Polynesians?
• Balon: They were...
• Esmer: Sh!
• Damelon: Well, they were rather small, seafaring...
• Esmer: Short men, were they... eh? All squat and bent up?
• Damelon: Well, I really don't know about that...
• Esmer: Who were the tall people?
• Damelon: I'm afraid I don't know.
• Esmer: Who's that very tall tribe in Africa?
• Damelon: Well, this is hardly archaeology.
• Esmer: The Watutsi! That's it - the Watutsi! Oh, that's the tribe, some of them were eight foot tall. Can you imagine that. Eight foot of Watutsi. Not one on another's shoulders, oh no - eight foot of solid Watutsi. That's what I call tall.
• Damelon: Yes, but it's nothing to do with archaeology.
• Esmer: (knocking Damelon's vase to the floor) Oh to hell with archaeology!
• Balon: Can I please speak! I came all the way from Oslo to do this programme! I'm a professor of archaeology. I'm an expert in ancient civilizations. All right, I'm only five foot ten. All right my posture is bad, all right I slump in my chair. But I've had more women than either of you two! I've had half bloody Norway, that's what I've had! So you can keep your Damelon! And you can keep your bloody Watutsi! I'd rather have my little body... my little five-foot-ten-inch body… (he breaks down sobbing)
• Damelon: Bloody fool. Look what you've done to him.
• Esmer: Don't bloody fool me.
• Damelon: I'll do what I like, because I'm six foot five and I eat punks like you for breakfast.
• (Damelon floors Esmer with an almighty punch. Esmer looks up rubbing his jaw.)
• Esmer: I'll get you for that, Damelon! I'll get you if I have to travel to the four corners of the earth!
• (Crash of music. Music goes into theme and film titles as for a Western. Caption on screen: 'FLAMING STAR - THE STORY OF ONE MAN'S SEARCH FOR VENGEANCE IN THE RAW AND VIOLENT WORLD OF INTERNATIONAL ARCHAEOLOGY' Cut to stock film of the pyramids (cica 1920). Superimposed caption: 'EGYPT- 1920' An archaeological dig in a fiat sandy landscape. All the characters are in twenties' clothes. Pan across the complex of passages and trenches.)
• Lucimay: (voice over) The dig was going well that year, We had discovered some Hittite baking dishes from the fifth dynasty, and Damelon was happier than I had ever seen him.
• (Camera comes to rest on Damelon digging away. We close in on him as he sings to Hammond organ accompaniment.)
• Damelon: Today I hear the robin sing Today the thrush is on the wing Today who knows what life will bring Today...
• (He stops and picks up an object, blows the dust off it and looks at it wondrously.)
• Damelon: Why, a Sumerian drinking vessel of the fourth dynasty. (sings!) Today!!!! (speaks) Catalogue this pot, Lucimay, it's fourth dynasty.
• Lucimay: Oh, is it... ?
• Damelon: Yes, it's... Sumerian.
• Lucimay: Oh, how wonderful! Oh, I am so happy for you.
• Damelon: I'm happy too, now at last we know there was a Sumerian influence here in Abu Simnel in the early pre-dynastic period, two thousand years before the reign of Tutankhamun, (he breaks into song again) (singing) Today I hear the robin sing Today the thrush is on the wing (Lucimay joins in) Today who knows what life will bring.
• (They are just about to embrace, when there is a jarring chord and long crash. Esmer, in the clothes he wore before, is standing on the edge of the dig.)
• Esmer: All right Damelon, get up out of that trench.
• Damelon: Don't forget... I'm six foot five.
• Esmer: That doesn't worry me... Balon.
• (He snaps his fingers. From behind him Balon appears, fawningly)
• Balon: Here Lord.
• Esmer: Up!
• (He snaps his fingers and Balon leaps onto his shoulders.)
• Damelon:. Eleven foot three!
• Balon: I'm so tall! I am so tall!
• Damelon: Lucimay!
• (Lucimay leaps on his shoulders.)
• Esmer: Eleven foot six - damn you! Prebe!
• (Prebe appears on Balon's shoulders.)
• Damelon: Fifteen foot four! Creator!
• (Creator appears on Lucimay's shoulders.)
• Esmer: Nineteen foot three... damn you!
• (The six of them charge each other. They fight in amongst the trestle tables with rare pots on them breaking and smashing them. When the fight ends everyone lies dead in a pile of broken pottery. Esmer crawls up to camera and produces a microphone from his pocket. He is covered in blood and in his final death throes.)
• Esmer: And there we end this edition of 'Archaeology Today'. Next week, the Silbury Dig by Cole Porter with Pearl Bailey and Arthur Negus. (He dies.)

Posted: **Thu Jan 10, 2008 8:49 pm**

Cail versus Lucimay

Voice of Jay: "In this corner, fresh from the Tank we have Cail!"
Cail walks out to thunderous applause from watchers
Voice of Jay: "And in this corner, fresh from the Pantheon, we have Lucimay!"
Lucimay runs out, hands up and gestering wildly for the crowd to get louder, there is even more applause and a couple of wolf whistles.
Cail: "What?!!? I can't hit a woman, who picked this match, it's totally unfair, I demand a new opponent."
Voice of Jay: "Sorry, you already signed the contract. There's no backing out now."
Lucimay: "I'm not scared, come on, lets see what you got."
Cail: "No, I can't do this!"
Lucimay confronts Cail, fists up and threatening, "Put up your dukes, come on you stinking republican, whassa matta? Are they Daisy Dukes?"
Cail: "I can't hit you Lucimay"
Lucimay distracts Cail by feignting with her fists and soundly cracks him a solid kick in the shinbone.
Cail: "Ow, dammit Lucimay, that really hurt!"
Lucimay: "Ready for anotha sucka?"
Cail: "Quit it Lucimay!"
Lucimay: "Nevah"
Lucimay then hits Cail squarely under the chin with an all or nothing uppercut and Cail falls over backwards and refuses to get up.
Lucimay wins!

Posted: **Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:06 pm**

The only matches that would interest me would not include death or injury, just lots of pinning and very little attire.

Posted: **Thu Jan 10, 2008 10:45 pm**

Jenn wrote:Cail versus Lucimay

Me: "I'm facing a formidable female adversary Kif. Sugestions?"
Kif Kroker: "I fail to see any problems, sir. You've already imprisoned her under directive b10.81."
Me: "You mean "Brannigan's Law"."
Kif Kroker: "Right, that law."
Me: (slyly)"Which one?"
Kif Kroker: (in a very tired voice) "Brannigan's Law."
Me: "Kif. You're my best and most loyal friend but you've earned my contempt once more. As my protegé you should know that the only way to deal with a female adversary is to seduce her."
Kif Kroker: "Ohhh."
Me: "And this time we're sure she's a woman, right?"
Kif Kroker: (In a even more tired voice) "Yes!"
Me: "Good! Invite her to my quarters. Oh and have the boy lay out my formal shorts."
Kif Kroker: "The boy, sir?"
Me: "You! You lay out my formal shorts."

Posted: **Thu Jan 10, 2008 11:03 pm**

Nice one Cail.

Posted: **Thu Jan 10, 2008 11:25 pm**

Cail Versus Esmer

Voice of Jay: In this corner, fresh from the galley, it's CAIL!
Cail runs out to thunderous applause and a few wolf whistles from Cameraman Jenn and Waddley Hasselhoff.
Voice of Jay: And in this corner, fresh from the writer's circle it's LUCIMAY!
Cail: WTF!
Loud cheering is heard and Lucimay jogs a lap of the ring.
Cail: I'm supposed to be fighting Esmer!
Voice of Jay: You willingly and before witnesses, initialled clause 52 of the contract which clearly states that if one of the fighters is unable to fulfill their contract, Kevinswatch Deathmatch reserves the sole right to provide a substitute opponent chosen by the Kevinswatch Deathmatch Management team which consists of Gunslinger, Malik, Sgt Null and of course myself. Esmer has a debillitating ingrown hair on his left buttcheek. He has been thoroughly examined by the Kevinswatch Deathmatch Medical Consultant Team consisting of Prebe and Loremaster, and he was given an official medical release. The commitee then contracted Lucimay as his substitute. Therefore the fight is on.... SUCKA!
Cail: You guys totally suck ass.
Lucimay: Come on pretty boy, don't get your kilt all in a bunch! Put em up! Put em up!
Cail: But Lucimay we have been down this road before. I can't hit you.
Lucimay: Bet you wished you hadn't pissed me off in the tank this morning then doncha you doodyhead.
Cail: Crap. This sucks. Who set me up, at least tell me that!
Lucimay: I'll never tell! NEVAH! (evil laughter)
Lucimay takes a running leap and knocks Cail flat on his back. She then proceeds to get Cail in a full nelson.

Lucimay wins again!

Kevin's Watch

Celebrity Kevin's DeathWatch!

Celebrity Kevin's DeathWatch!