Kevin's Watch

No happy-go-lucky topic for me today.

My stepfather died on Tuesday. I'm glad.

Long story short, he married my mother in 1980 and was my primary male role model through most of my formative years. I never warmed up to him, and I never felt like he warmed up to me.

Nearly 3 years ago, he was arrested, charged, and convicted for child molestation. Neither he, nor my mother, nor my brother bothered to let me know about this, and my beautiful little Cailette was alone with him on numerous occasions. When I found out about him, I immediately ceased all contact with both him and my mother, and had to have a conversation that no father ever wants to have with his 10 year-old daughter. Cailette has said that nothing ever happened, but I'll always wonder.....

So now he's dead. I hope he burns in Hell for all eternity for what he did, and for what he put my daughter, my ex-wife, and I through.

And that's where I'm stuck, because I don't normally feel that way about anyone. I don't hate, and I really don't get angry much.

Anyway, I don't know what I'm expecting in the way of responses, and it may well be that I'm not really looking for them.

I just wanted to get this off my chest. Thanks for listening.

Wow. I have dealt with the same feelings about a cousin of mine who is still alive and apparently found Christ, but molested me (and my little brother) when I was 5 and he was 13. I have come a long way since then, but still I wonder why he's never bothered to apologize, even though I'd probably just spit on him, or punch him, or simply murder if I ever saw him face-to-face again. Still, hating a person doesn't really affect the hated person nearly as negatively as it affects the person doing the hating, so for your sake, I hope you can find it within yourself to forgive the stupid bastard.

Cail,

My mother married a troll in 1977 after she and my father (adoptive, btw) divorced in 1975.

He was an abusive, shit-fried, Rush-Limbaugh loving ( think of every unsavory cliche that defines Rush for good, ill, or indifferent) , drink-soaked mysoginist whose capacity for chilling deceit was equalled ONLY by his penchant for dishing out verbal (and sometimes to my mother) physical abuse. I was always suspicous of his feelings towrds kids too, for reasons I'd rather not discuss here.

He died 3 years ago of complications of a stroke he suffered a couple of years prior. When he died, I felt nothing save for a sense of relief that the devil finally had some new thing to tourture, and wistful sadness that my Mother actually took care of him (choosing I suppose him over my young family) for those may years.

Long and short: I understand your feelings here, man, as I lived something similar. It IS weird to discover that you do not have the capacity to feel ANYTHING positive for someone that affected your life... that your chief emotions for someone that was part of your family and development are distrust, disdain and apathy.

But there is something POSITIVE here Cail...or Zapp... he's dead, and will not have ANY chance of having any influence on you or the Cailette. The chapter is closed and now maybe you can (in time) mend your relations with your Mother.

Thanks for sharing, man...and if you want to discuss anything more...feel free to PM me.

Not having gone through this
I have nothing to add.
Except to say...
I love you guys.

I second what Menolly said.

Thirded.

My brother was (and still is) verbally and emotionally abusive. He's now primary caretaker for my mother (from two hours away). The situation makes me crazy, but there's nothing I can do about it: she won't move here and I am not about to move any closer to him.

Families are great, aren't they?

It's okay to feel the way you do. You'll be alright!

Scum doesn't get much lower than those who molest children. If I was in your place, Cail, I don't know how I'd keep calm myself. I don't think I'd have any room in my heart to forgive either. It's galling that your mother and brother didn't inform you about your stepdad's conviction.

I'm with you Cail.

There's a special place in every after-life for pederasses.

Wow.. too much..

Never knew a pedo but with my temperment I wouldn't have been around such animals long.

It's a hard thing to cheer at the death of another, but hell...if it is ever justified, these are the folks that it feels a bit better about. It's amazing how almost every family has one too. The more I learn about people, the more I'm coming to this conclusion.

One of my favorite uncles from when I was a kid I think might be one. The signs are there, and one of his kids accused him at one point, but there were circumstances that may not have been correct. However, from seeing him around her when she was a girl, it made me REAL uncomfortable. Still, last time I saw either of them, they were around each other and getting along fine, and this was a few years after the accusation.

Maybe it's just my beliefs that hatred of another person is wrong, but I damn sure haven't cooled off about this a bit.

Zapp Brannigan wrote:Maybe it's just my beliefs that hatred of another person is wrong, but I damn sure haven't cooled off about this a bit.

“Don't do anything by half. If you love someone, love them with all your soul. When you go to work, work your ass off. When you hate someone, hate them until it hurts.” --Henry Rollins

That sums up how I feel.

Heh, nice quote.

You have EVERY RIGHT to feel angry. Your trust was abused. This caused you to unknowingly put your precious daughter in a potentially harmful situation. I would be angry at all three, the stepfather, mother and brother. They all knowingly kept vital information from you. That is very uncool. However, on the Cailette side, I don't think Cailette would lie to you about such a thing so rest assured that he didn't touch her. If you are still worried, ask her now that he is dead. I'm sure her answer will be the same.

I echo what Guns said, if you need to talk further I am here to listen.

Hugs, Cail. Big huge HUGS.

Clouseau wrote:Still, hating a person doesn't really affect the hated person nearly as negatively as it affects the person doing the hating...

Damn well said dAN. Still, you don't have to forgive the person...just stop wasting your time hating them. *shrug*

Anyway, yeah, I wouldn't worry about it Cail...and he's dead. Not like you can even get any satisfaction. Still, one of the few reasons I sometimes wish there was a god was so there'd be a little justice. *sigh*

--A

so the cunundrum is what to do with your anger?

if so...then you should find an actual live human being to talk to about it.
if you keep the anger in, it'll just leak out eventually and sometimes in
places you don't mean it to.

you're catholic, right? i'd suggest a priest, if there's one that you
know well enough to confide in. i don't mean like confession tho
that's a good idea to.
but a priest that you're friends with.

i had a thing that i'd done when i was younger that bugged me for
years and years but i just couldn't bring myself to tell anyone about
it, not even my "shrink" who i adored and felt very comfortable with.
i was too ashamed.

but i had a good friend who was in the process of becoming a catholic
priest. so i asked him if, even tho i was not catholic, i could go to confession. i was thinking, at the time, i might be able to get it off
my chest if i confessed to a priest in a box, someone i couldn't see,
a stranger.

in talking with my friend about it i finally came clean with him.
told him about the thing. and he had some wonderful things to
say to me about the act of confession and about forgiving one's
self for those kinds of things. it helped me enormously to get
past that thing.

so...if you didn't want to find a psychologist or counselor about it,
or just a RL friend, you might want to check into talking to a priest.

best wishes for a resolution for you.

I've spoken at length with several people in RL, and have gotten pretty much the same spectrum of replies I've gotten here.

Intellectually, I understand that my hatred and anger does absolutely no good at all. Viscerally, I want to crash the funeral tomorrow, pummel his corpse, sh*t on it, then burn it.

<sigh>

The path to enlightenment is festooned with challenges.

Zapp Brannigan wrote:The path to enlightenment is festooned with challenges.

a) it totally is and

b) i love the word "festooned"!!!

Excellent suggestion Lucimay. A priest can be a good and impartial listener. They can also give sound advice on how to deal with your feelings and how to let go of the bad and let in the good.