Kevin's Watch

Post in here if you're a virgin. There will be comforting and cookies--but no sex. Your name will never leave this thread and no disparaging posts will be made.

Hi, I'm Lord Foul and I'm a virgin. Like the Journey song, I want to know what love is, but unfortunately I'm 23 and time is running out. Soon enough, I will be unable to biologically reproduce, due to total loss of coolness. The pain is so much that I play copious amounts of video games or write long documents on MS Word. I spellcheck compulsively, thinking the closest connection to my fellow man is correct grammar. What about the reverse cowgirl--or fuzzy handcuffs? I've read fantasy books but the greatest one is unknown to me. The undiscovered country is unexplored, as Shakespeare might say. Geoffrey Chaucer, also.

Actually, that song's by Foreigner.

And I lost my virginity before you were born.....

Lord Foul wrote:
Hi, I'm Lord Foul and I'm a virgin. The pain is so much that I play copious amounts of video games

Stop.
Problem identified.
Video games are the cause of the problem not the result.
Don't ask me to explain why it but it's true.
You can deny it, make jokes about it but until you realize this, all is lost.
Your next step downward is Japanese Hentai porn.
After that you'll become the an editor for urbandictionary.com
Sorry.


I know you have up and down food "issues" but from your posts here you seem to enjoy it. Strike up a conversation with any girl you find attractive while grocery shopping, that's where my brother met his future wife. Good luck!

Cail wrote:Actually, that song's by Foreigner.

And I lost my virginity before you were born.....

Scandal!

That's right....I'm Foul's father.

There was some beer commercial that a friend of mine quotes at times. It had some hot chick on it and then stopped and said something to the effect of, "you won't meet her staying home watching this commercial."

Basically, the gist is that you need to get out and mingle, baby, mingle. Furthermore, you've got to not care anymore too. Get into the mindset that having a girlfriend or date would really not fit in with your lifestyle (yet still go out and mingle), and suddenly they will start paying attention. You HAVE TO BELIEVE IT THOUGH. Then, change the mindset and pursue one of the lovelies that is now paying attention to you, but only mildly, and she will be yours.

This is, of course, a broad generalization, and not to be taken seriously. But I've found it to be more true than when I was actively caring about dating and "looking." Somehow women can read when men put out their mating call and it repulses them. If humans were an endangered species, we'd die out because of these habits.

um, how you you be anonymous if you post in here?

Cagliostro wrote:Basically, the gist is that you need to get out and mingle, baby, mingle. Furthermore, you've got to not care anymore too. Get into the mindset that having a girlfriend or date would really not fit in with your lifestyle (yet still go out and mingle), and suddenly they will start paying attention. You HAVE TO BELIEVE IT THOUGH. Then, change the mindset and pursue one of the lovelies that is now paying attention to you, but only mildly, and she will be yours.

Or you could just pay for it. You wouldn't trust an amateur to do a liver transplant, why trust one to clean your pipes (so to speak)?

Besides, you'd be doing your part (more than likely) to help support single moms.

Yeah, I know, I'm terrible.

If it's good enough for Eliot Spitzer.......

Do NOT listen to Danlo and Cail. Prostitutes are gross. Take Cag's advice instead. It's much better.

Cameraman Jenn wrote:Do NOT listen to Danlo and Cail. Prostitutes are gross.

Oh c'mon...you've probebly never even BEEN with a prostitute! How would you know?!?!?!

I see enough of em from my window in my hood. It's like a kind of guessing game... is that a real female or a tranny?

High Lord Tolkien wrote:I know you have up and down food "issues" but from your posts here you seem to enjoy it.

Eating vast amounts of food was enjoyable, but I still wouldn't do it again. Even before admitting a problem, I often felt supremely bad and/or embarassaed.

Hmm...so, no anonymous virgins appear, and coitus has not occurred since the posting of this thread. Henry Darger, here I come.

Some prostitutes are gross, some aren't. Caveat emptor, as they say.

Do animated prostitutes count? Also, if a video says "3D" and the woman looks like she's sticking out of the screen, has sex occurred? If so, I am a polygamist many times over.

Esmer wrote:um, how you you be anonymous if you post in here?

It's kind of like football. You keep the animosity on the field, but when you come off you might have a beer with the guy you just tackled (I'm referring to American football, unless you're thinking of a fight during a soccer game).

Be careful! If you have too many beers you might end up married in Vegas!

Lord Foul wrote:

High Lord Tolkien wrote:I know you have up and down food "issues" but from your posts here you seem to enjoy it.

Eating vast amounts of food was enjoyable, but I still wouldn't do it again. Even before admitting a problem, I often felt supremely bad and/or embarassaed.

No I just meant that by your postings that you have some interest/skill talking about food.
I thought you could build on that when talking to females.
I wasn't talking about you actually eating anything.
(And although that also leads to ending your virginity, I was talking about just food.)

High Lord Tolkien wrote:

Lord Foul wrote:

High Lord Tolkien wrote:I know you have up and down food "issues" but from your posts here you seem to enjoy it.

Eating vast amounts of food was enjoyable, but I still wouldn't do it again. Even before admitting a problem, I often felt supremely bad and/or embarassaed.

No I just meant that by your postings that you have some interest/skill talking about food.
I thought you could build on that when talking to females.
I wasn't talking about you actually eating anything.
(And although that also leads to ending your virginity, I was talking about just food.)

Oh geez, sorry. Me and my mom descended into a lot of food-talk over dinner tonight. I kept thinking, Geez, why am I not going to another subject!

Lord Foul wrote:

High Lord Tolkien wrote:

Lord Foul wrote: Eating vast amounts of food was enjoyable, but I still wouldn't do it again. Even before admitting a problem, I often felt supremely bad and/or embarassaed.

No I just meant that by your postings that you have some interest/skill talking about food.
I thought you could build on that when talking to females.
I wasn't talking about you actually eating anything.
(And although that also leads to ending your virginity, I was talking about just food.)

Oh geez, sorry. Me and my mom descended into a lot of food-talk over dinner tonight. I kept thinking, Geez, why am I not going to another subject!

That sounds like the topic for another thread.

Here's a possible scenario that might work.
You're in the grocery store and you see a pretty girl buying fresh garlic.
You say "excuse me, can I ask you something, how do you cook with garlic?"
You go on to say that you "keep seeing recipies that call for garlic but you have no idea what to do. There's fresh garlic, garlic in bottles, garlic presses, garlic cloves and even something called "cloves" in the spice rack. Is that garlic too?"
Hopefully that will start a conversation.
A nice girl will help you out.
Then you say "thank you" and walk away.
This gives her time to reflect upon how you're a nice guy.
Make sure you bump into her again before she leaves the store and ask her out.
Sometime during the first date if she mentions garlic again you casually mention that you can't stand it or know all about it (if you do) but then look her deep in the eyes and say that you only asked her about garlic because you were just dying to talk to her.
Chicks love that shit.
Then you fuck her.

Good luck!

LOL. Best post, ever. You're my new hero of the Watch. Cail used to be, but dayum.

Also--this thread won't be complete without lurch making a comment. Maybe Juan Valdez, too.