Kevin's Watch

Have you ever noticed, when you're driving, that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

Think for a moment about the concept of the flamethrower. Okay? The flamethrower. Because we have them. Well, we don't have them, the army has them. That's right. We don't have any flamethrowers. I'd say we're f***ed if we have to go up against the army, wouldn't you?

But we have flamethrowers. And what this indicates to me, it means that at some point, some person said to himself, "Gee, I sure would like to set those people on fire over there. But I'm way to far away to get the job done. If only I had something that would throw flame on them."

Well, it might have ended right there, but he mentioned it to his friend. His friend who was good with tools. And about a month later, he was back. "Hey, quite a concept!" WHHOOOOOOOOSSHHH!

And of course the army heard about it, and they came around. "We'd like to buy about five hundred-thousand of them please. We have some people we'd like to throw flame on. Give us five hundred thousand and paint them dark brown. We don't want anyone to see them."

Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.

I enjoy comparing baseball and football:

Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.

Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.

Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park. The baseball park!

Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.

Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.

In football you wear a helmet.

In baseball you wear a cap.

Football is concerned with downs — what down is it?

Baseball is concerned with ups — who's up?

In football you receive a penalty.

In baseball you make an error.

In football the specialist comes in to kick.

In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.

Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.

Baseball has the sacrifice.

Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...

In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play.

Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.

Football has the two minute warning.

Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end — we might have extra innings.

Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.

In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness.

In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.

And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:

In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.

In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! — I hope I'll be safe at home!

Why is everyone else's stuff shit, but your shit is stuff?"

Lord Foul wrote:I got into him in 99, about there, and he helped shape my view of life. If anyone wonders why I act like everybody here is diseased, thank George Carlin. Actually, he distilled my Despite with a mordancy with more humor, so it was a good thing. I'm still shocked he died at 71, but they did say he had a series of heart troubles.

Cagliostro wrote:I wouldn't mind as much losing all these greats if there was some new greats arising to take their place. Sadly, there isn't, and it makes the loss that much sadder. Still, there will never be another George Carlin.

aliantha wrote:the obit in the Washington Post quoted Carlin as saying once that he beat Richard Pryor in having heart attacks, but Pryor beat him in setting fire to himself.