Kevin's Watch

StevieG wrote:This one is dedicated to Savor Dam:

A pun, an anecdote, and a play on words walk into a bar. No joke.

You had to invoke me, Stevie...so I'll attempt to fulfill all the conditions you set.

Let this be on your shoulders...

• Being of a certain age, I have quite the collection of old vinyl phonograph records. Many have pops, scratches and other flaws.
  
  A technique I have learned is that if you coat these records in Vicks VapoRub, let them sit overnight, then wipe them clean, it really reduces the audio impact of the damage and makes the records sound much better.
  
  Since I am so busy and Dam-et is always looking for an easy way to earn a few dollars from Dad, he is eager to do this for me. Again, I have a LOT of old albums and I don't want to give the boy too much money.
  
  The albums I most want to hear in their original "no scratch, no pop, no click" state are my Baroque collection. Consequently, I have told Dam-et, "If it ain't Baroque, don't Vicks it."

I warned you...

<groan> what have I done

Well, back to it!

Q: What's the difference between ignorance and indifference?
A: I don't know and I don't care.

A nerd joke:

A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer stay in a hotel.
The engineer is awakened by a smell and gets up to check it. He finds a fire in the hallway, sees a nearby fire extinguisher and after extinguishing it, goes back to bed.

Later that night, the physicist gets up, again because of the smell of fire. He quickly gets up and sees the fire in the hallway. After calculating air pressure, flame temperature and humidity as well as distance to the fire and projected trajectory, he extinguishes the fire with the least amount of fluid.

At last the mathematician awakens, and finds another fire in the hallway. He looks out the door, then goes back to bed. The house ends up burning down, but the physicist and engineer manage to save the mathematician. When asked why he didn't put out the fire, he says: "I saw the fire, I saw the extinguisher, the solution was trivial."

What have you got if you've got a green ball in this hand and a green ball in this hand. The undivided attention of the Incredible Hulk.

What's green and smells of pork? [pm me for the answer - it's way too rude for this thread.]

I looked up the answer to that one peter, and wish that I didn't!


1. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." He doesn't react.

2. "We don't serve faster-than-light particles here", says the barman. A tachyon enters a bar.

Why do Marxists drink herbal tea?

Because all proper tea is theft!

I picked some wild mushrooms today and fried them. While plating the dish I saw I had fried a leprechaun with the mushrooms. It tasted gnome, gnome, gnome, gnome.

Taking a piss in a bar a guy happens to glance down at his neighbour at the urinals cock and exclaims "Wow! Thats a lovely great dick you've got there - where d'you come by a tool like that? The guy sticks his hand in his pocket and pulls out a card. "Go and see this chap. He specialises in dick transplants; he'll fit you up."

Two months later they happen to be standing side by side in the same urinal and the second guy says "Hey - you're the guy I told where to go for a dick transplant a while back. How did it go?"
"Not so good," says the first guy, "He did the job but frankly it's no better than the one I had before. My wife is really pissed off."
"Let me have a look," says the second guy and leans across to inspect the surgeons work. With a start he steps back and turns to face the unhappy transplantee. "No wonder you're not happy," he says "Thats my old fucker."

peter wrote:The guy sticks his hand in his pocket and pulls out a card. "Go and see this chap. He specialises in dick transplants; he'll fit you up."

did he wash his hands first?

Sorry Lorin. Didn't think there'd be any ladies present in here [sexist bastard that I am.]

peter wrote: Sorry Lorin. Didn't think there'd be any ladies present in here [sexist bastard that I am.]

Nothing to apologize for........ after all...I'm a New Yawker....we eat dirty jokes for breakfast.

Not in The Bryant Park Hotel [unless you pay the extra!]

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner the other day. Well, it was just gathering dust. (Tim Vine)

This guy [or that joke] recently won an award in the UK didn't it [I've neber heard of the comedian before but do like the joke]. From the same guy I also heard.....

"Conjunctivitis.Com - that a site for sore eyes."

Why is the chef so mean?

He beats the eggs and whips the cream.

A chap walks into the priors office in a monastery and says to the Abbott "I want to be a monk". "Well, I don't know" says the Abbott, "It's a pretty hard life and not suited to everyone. I think you'd better go in that cell for five years and think about it."

Five years later, the chap is called to the Abbott's office and asked how he is getting on. "Fine" he responds, "Couldn't be better. Foods a bit boring but all in all it's going well and there's no doubt in my mind - I want to be a monk." The Abbott looks a bit doubtful. "I'm not so sure" he says, "take another five years to think it", so of the bloke goes, back to the cell to do so.

Five years to the day he's back in the Abbott's office and asked how he's doing. "Great" he says, "bed's a bit hard, but no, I'm loving it. No question - I want to be a monk!" The Abbott says "Okay, but let's just be sure. Get back to the cell for five years and then we'll talk about it". So off the man goes, back to his cell.

Five years later he's back in the Abbott's office and is asked if he still wants to be a monk. "I don't know" he replies, "I'm beginning to have some doubts. I'm not sure I'm cut out for it after all - I think I'm going to call it a day." The Abbott replies "I agree - you're definitely not cut out for it. I mean let's face it - you've done nothing but complain since you got here!"

Q} What's brown and sticky??????? A} a stick

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get the postman a letter.
But when she got there
The cupboard was bare
So they did it without
It was better!

Paddy walks into a pub, walks up 2 the bar and slips on a pile of sh!t, falls over and bangs his head on the bar, he gets up and buys a pint of Guiness,
A big bloke walks in, big as a house, slips on the pile of sh!t, falls over and bangs his head on the bar.
Paddy says 'I did that'. The big bloke knocks him out.


___________
"If someone doesn't like me, that's fine. It just means I have 1 less person to be nice to."

Sunday morning and the landlord likes to put a bowl of snuff on the bar, but this time he realises he has run out. He's wondering where he can get some at short notice and suddenly has an idea. He nips out into the road, finds a bit of dry dog-shit and grates some into the dish.

Two fellows come in, order their beers and stand by the bar. One has a pinch from the bowl and a moment later, looking puzzled says to his mate "Can you smell dog-shit?" His mate replies in the negative and has a mouthful of beer. He then has a pinch from the dish, turns to his mate and says "Bloody hell, it's good snuff is that. I can smell dog-shit now!