Kevin's Watch

What did the bananna say to the dildo???
"What are you shaking for shes going to eat me."



__________
Q} What's orange and sounds like a parrott??????? A} carrott

Bloke walking past a butchers shop sees a sign in the window "Pork pies 50 pence, Wanks a pound."

He walks in and there's a lovely blonde serving behind the counter and he says to her "Are you the one who gives the wanks?"

"Yes" she replies. "Well wash your hands," he says "I want a pork pie."

Two frogs fell into a deep cream bowl...
One was an optimistic soul,
But the other took the gloomy view.
"We shall drown!" he cried, without more ado.
So with the last despairing cry,
He flung up his legs and said, "Goodbye!"
Quoth the other frog with a merry grin,
"I can't get out, but I won't give in!
I'll just swim around 'til my strength is spent,
And then when I die, I'll be more content."
Bravely he swam until it seemed
That the struggle had begun to stir the cream.
On top of the butter at last he stopped,
And out of the bowl he gaily hopped.
What is the moral? 'Tis easily found:
If you can't hop out, keep swimming around!


_______________
"If someone doesn't like me, that's fine. It just means I have 1 less person to be nice to."

Lol funny, wise and sweet

darthbuzz wrote:Two frogs fell into a deep cream bowl...
One was an optimistic soul,
But the other took the gloomy view.
"We shall drown!" he cried, without more ado.
So with the last despairing cry,
He flung up his legs and said, "Goodbye!"
Quoth the other frog with a merry grin,
"I can't get out, but I won't give in!
I'll just swim around 'til my strength is spent,
And then when I die, I'll be more content."
Bravely he swam until it seemed
That the struggle had begun to stir the cream.
On top of the butter at last he stopped,
And out of the bowl he gaily hopped.
What is the moral? 'Tis easily found:
If you can't hop out, keep swimming around!


_______________
"If someone doesn't like me, that's fine. It just means I have 1 less person to be nice to."

It sounds like some inspirational advice that I'd butter take!

Chap goes into a greasy-spoon cafe and looks at the menu. "I'll have some of those pissoles", he says to the waiter. The waiter takes the menu and looks at it "that's not a P - it's an R!", he says indignantly.

"Alright", says the fellow, "I'll have some of those arsoles then".

John Wayne and a bear walk into a saloon,
the barman looks straight at them and says,
"you I'll serve, but the bear ..."

" ... why the long paws?"

Bloke in a bar with his mate, pulls a fossil out of his pocket.

"This shark's tooth is thirty million years and two weeks old", he says.

His mate looks a bit doubtful. "How do you know that?", he asks.

"Well", his friend says, "It was thirty million years old when I bought it and that was two weeks ago."



(I know that laughing at your own jokes is bad form, but c'mon - it's a cracker! )

Two prostitues talking at the end of the day and one says to the other, "How did your day go?"

"Fine" her mate says. "I had a bloke in who had the most beautiful tool you've ever seen - an absolute cracker! I asked him what he fancied and he asked what the charges would be." "Five quid for a hand job, a tenner for a blow job and twenty for the complete works I told him." He frowned, " I'd like the full works," he said, "but I've only got a tenner."

Her mate raised her eyebrows. "Typical luck," she said, "What did you do?"

"Well, I had to lend him a tenner didn't I." came the reply.

Boom boom!

Chap walks into a monastery,goes up to the Abbott and says "I want to be a monk."

The Abbott looks doubtful. "I'm not sure. I think you'd better go into that cell over there, have a think about it and come back and see me in five years."

Off the bloke goes. Five years later he's back in front of the Abbott who asks, "Do you still want to be a monk then?"

"Yes I do. Cell's fine, bed's a bit hard, but no - it's all good, I still want to be a monk."

The Abbott pauses, thinks for a bit and says. "Mmm......, I'm not convinced. Better go back to your cell for another five years to make sure."

Five years later he's back again and the Abbott repeats his question. "Do you still want to be a monk?"

"Yes I do," says the chap. "It's going great. Foods a bit dull but no, I really like it."

Again the Abbott looks unconvinced. "I think you'd better go back for a last five years just to be sure", he says.

Five years pass and the bloke comes back. "Do you still want to be a monk?" asks the Abbott.

"No," says the bloke, "I've had a change of heart. I don't think that the monks life is for me."

"I should think so too," says the Abbott, "You've done nothing but complain since you got here!"

You gotta love that joke!

A priest,a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar.

“What will you have?�, the bartender asks the rabbit.

“I don’t know.� , the rabbit replied. “I’m only here because of autocorrect.�

What makes love like a tiger and winks?

(Peter winks)

What's black and white and eats like a horse?

A zebra.

Oh yes - now we've started, now we've started........

From one of my favorite Twitter users, mariana Z:


Caught my son chewing on electrical wires, so I grounded him.

He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

Where does a 600 lb gorilla sit?

Anywhere it wants to

I'm going on a date with a girl who works on the dustbin lorries. I don't know whether to take her out on Wednesday or Thursday?