Stephen C. McKinney Memorial Thread (1969-2001)

[Furls Fire]

In Loving Memory of Stephen Clarke McKinney



Born into this life: July 27, 1969
Called home to Heaven: September 25, 2001

Hail all,

I wasn't sure how to go about this. I thought I would say a few words about how Stephen was infected with HIV. Alot of his journal entries mention "the accident". So, I thought I would explain that. When he was 13, he was hit by a car. He lost alot of blood and was given blood plasma. This plasma was tainted with the HIV virus. This was in the early days of AIDS, when they didn't know enough about it to do proper testing on the blood supply. We didn't know until 7 years later that he was HIV positive. He got sick alot, but with the help of AZT and other medications, he managed to fight it until 1997, when he became full blown with AIDS.

I want to thank all of you who have read his words, I hope he continues to touch you.

Peace

[Stephen C]

November 21, 1989: 9:12pm

It seems there is a grand master plan to do me in. Oh, not right away, apparently it prefers to drag it on for a time. And just when I, in my arrogance, believed I had life in the palm of my hand, it turns around and gives me a kick in the ass. Makes me laugh, actually. What a jokester life is.

Sweet Jesus, Lord, there is poison running through my blood. You would never know it looking at me. But, I think I knew it was there all along. Since the accident, I’ve felt some febrile burnings in my veins. It seems a higher spiritual awareness, that little voice everyone has in their head—whether they chose to listen to it or not—kept whispering to me that something just wasn’t quite right. So, those colds I kept being plagued with, that eventually became one long duration—turns out they weren’t colds after all. PCP pneumonia, a symptom of the HIV virus. So, I’ve spent my time pouring over various tomes of medicine, my eyes blurring over the barrage of medi terms. And it all whittles down to mean just one thing. My time here will be short. And somehow, even when I was just a small boy, in fact, ever since I became aware of myself, I knew I would not be here long.

That was hard to say. Maybe it will not matter that I was here at all. I know I am infinitesimal in the greater scheme of the universe. I’ve often wondered what purpose there is to living life. Oh, I know I’m not the first to ask that! That question is as old as life itself. But, in this life, to each given, what is meant by it? Are we all born to purpose, destiny? If we are and we somehow fail in it, what happens to the soul? Will I have time enough to succeed in mine? Or will I die in the middle of some mad search for it? Or, perhaps I will not have to search at all, just only stand still, and wait for it to find me.


ever notice wind?
look close, tree limbs
as conductors, the noise
a symphony out of tune, out
Of time. The stab
of a wrong note, an instrument
too sharp, a crack in a reed.
along its discord the virus blows in.

ever notice the sea?
listen, waves in rage
tell a story so gothic, so morose.
with tidal force they shout out their dark tale.
the passing of a favorite character, the roar
of a climax collapsing, the last page
washed out.
the virus reads its way in between the lines.


Not sure of where that goes. Have to think on it some more. Maybe something about breathing. Breathing fascinates me, how the body knows to do it even in the deepest of comas. What a frightening thought, while deep in darkness, the last breath could come unaware.

[Stephen C]

Millennium 2000 1:03am

I was reading Frost tonight.

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if I had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To know that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

Well, the world didn’t end. The sun didn’t come down and burn the Earth to a crisp. Nor did a bomb drop in the ocean somewhere, causing an atomic cloud to plunge the world into an ice age. This past year had it’s moments of hilarity. Spending most of it in that antiseptic hospital, I passed the hours listening to the ridiculous rhetoric of all those self proclaimed prophets bellowing about the world ending. It’s frightening to think of the frenzy they can stir up.

Anyway, as I was saying, I buried myself in Frost tonight.

Bereft

Where had I heard this wind before
Change like this to a deeper roar?
What would it take my standing there for,
Holding open a restive door,
Looking down hill to a frothy shore?
Summer was past and day was past.
Somber clouds in the west were massed.
Out in the porch's sagging floor,
leaves got up in a coil and hissed,
Blindly struck at my knee and missed.
Something sinister in the tone
Told me my secret must be known:
Word I was in the house alone
Somehow must have gotten abroad,
Word I was in my life alone,
Word I had no one left but God


The imagery in this is breath taking. The loneliness, the darkness, “something sinister in the tone, told me my secret must be known”, the “deeper roar” of the wind; all this, mirrors the chaos I’ve been living in this past year. “Summer was past and day was past”. The coming of winter, not just the season of winter, but the winter of life. I’m at mine now, I doubt I will see another spring.

I’ve been talking to God, I believe He hears me. Peace comes over me those times, when all the voices are still, and I manage to hold back the gale. My inner whispering riding along the “deeper roar” of the wind. I feel the might of this wind, peace now becomes more and more elusive. My body a husk for chaos now, rolling and surging, drowning out my whispers so none, save God, can hear them.

[Han-shan]

I thought that, considering my sig, I should pop in.
Stephen, any of us will be truly lucky to be loved and remembered half as well as you are.
Tracie is a joy, and you are largely responsible. You did good!!

[Furls Fire]

my goodness, thank you Han-shan

We were the lucky ones, the blessed ones

Peace to you,
Furls

[Stephen C]

August 11, 2001 11:42pm

My dear beautiful Tracie,

My eyes grow weaker, this will be the last of my entries here. It is to you as all of it is, for no one else understands my heart, my soul, my pain, my desire for end, as well as you. We grew in spirit, you and I. My failing heart plays out all the memories of our days. Yours was the first face I grew to love, not mom or dad’s, not Julie’s, or Chris’s, or Matthew’s. Yours. You, sweet sister, my guide to awareness, to life. You brought me to who I am, and was. I treasure our moments, one by one, the music we made, the writings we shared, the books we read, the walks along the beach, in the forest. But most of all, our talks. You had the eyes to see me, the ears to hear me. Foamfollower, in our favorite books, said “joy is in the ears that hear.” Oh hearing you brought me such joy. My dear dear sister, I leave you with this, bound to you always I will be, in the silence, listen for my voice, it is then I will call to you, and sing to you the joy of heaven.

sorrow soaks my sister’s orbs
assails their cerulean depths,
brims the wellspring of her with my pain.
she pours herself over me, smiles out the grief.
In these moments, she becomes absolute.

she is earth mother, embodied beauty
her grace alone binds the threads of my thin
endurance to our souls, her soul.
she completes me, embraces me, instills in me
her sweet heart strength, her undying, unending love.

Oh my radiant sister!
how your brilliance blinds the seer!
do you know the way of your gleaming spirit, your ageless essence?
Oh how my battered self sinks into you, drowns in your shelter.
flower sister of mine, hum gently the way of you
so I might dream the dreams of illumination, and
disperse these nightmares in your serene glow.

--Stephen C. McKinney

“Thank you, thank you, thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings.”

I love you, Tracie.

[Skyweir]

I thought that, considering my sig, I should pop in.
Stephen, any of us will be truly lucky to be loved and remembered half as well as you are.
Tracie is a joy, and you are largely responsible. You did good!!

aye well said Han-shan

be officially welcomed here among us Stephen C. McKinney .. be welcome and true!! You honour us with your words and your presence!!

Hail and well met Watch-brother ..

you are the gift and the giver *bows*

as Foamfollower said .. "joy is in the ears that hear"

[Furls Fire]

[danlo]

Stephen has the most beautiful Av I've ever seen and, I'm sure, the most beautiful spirit to go along with it. I can feel his presence on the Watch! It is an honor to be counted among him.

[Furls Fire]

danlo

For those who wish to view it, I added a pic of him in the motley crew gallery. It was taken in '96, before he got really sick. With him is our sister, Julie. I'm the one who took it

[Stephen C]

October 3, 1999 8:22pm

Some musings that came to mind today:

The tower bell’s ringing hymn
Sounds serenity through the trees
And fills the park with virtuous sound,
Holding eternity for an instant.
Each note becomes a gift bearer as the Magi,
Though soon evaporated as the summer rain;
And what was given is taken back again.
Glimpses, glimpses—for one pure second
Beauty and peace make sense of chaos.

--Stephen C. McKinney

************************************

From higher ground I see the river wind its easy way,
Its rhythm quiet, as my blood;
My blood is peaceful, a stream in autumn
Mourning rage, invoking spring.

All trees are bare.
I watch their bald limbs bend
In cadence muted as my own:
My bones are peaceful, autumn branches,
Grieving fruit, invoking leaf.

No leaf to come will mourn for me
No blossom, bird, nor bough.
Nor will rushing waters weep, the passing of my soul

--Stephen C. McKinney

[Skyweir]

great pic Steve! and just let me say .. umm wow .. those eyes!! wow!! both Steve and Julie have the most amazing (blue are they?) eyes!

[Furls Fire]

"white-blue light, they shine like the stars."

Thanks Sky They definitely reflected his "inner light."

[Stephen C]

August 3, 1998 2:47am

I believe God takes us places in our dreams. He took me to one a moment ago. Finding the reason why, is beyond me. Maybe it was just to bring me a certain joy, and has no reason at all, only that it just is. Who can explain the ways of our God? Why show someone as unworthy as me such a glorious place? How do I warrant such gifts?

When I opened my eyes it was there
Dreamlike in the night, the air filled
With the fragrance of jasmine flowers.
It stood there, spacious, with a thatched roof.
The room cool, lit by inner glow.
And a garden full of flowers, an old well ensconced
With the jasmine.
I drew to its grace, a saint had lived there once,
Whose presence now became the silence enshrined
Within the walls, the divine aura.
And I thought, Heaven must be like this.

--Stephen C. McKinney

He brought me to the house of a saint. Oh I knew it in the instant I walked inside. Such beauty, I am humbled.

[Furls Fire]

Sky, the above entry is the one I told you about when we chatted earlier. He had a lot of these "dreams" and wrote them down. I will type up more of them and post them

[Fist and Faith]

Gorgeous! What a glorious house!! It reminds me of the Old Mage's house, on the cliffs of Re Albi. If not the actual physical description, though there are certainly similarities, then how I feel about it.

[Skyweir]

August 3, 1998 2:47am

I believe God takes us places in our dreams. He took me to one a moment ago. Finding the reason why, is beyond me. Maybe it was just to bring me a certain joy, and has no reason at all, only that it just is. Who can explain the ways of our God? Why show someone as unworthy as me such a glorious place? How do I warrant such gifts?

When I opened my eyes it was there
Dreamlike in the night, the air filled
With the fragrance of jasmine flowers.
It stood there, spacious, with a thatched roof.
The room cool, lit by inner glow.
And a garden full of flowers, an old well ensconced
With the jasmine.
I drew to its grace, a saint had lived there once,
Whose presence now became the silence enshrined
Within the walls, the divine aura.
And I thought, Heaven must be like this.

--Stephen C. McKinney

He brought me to the house of a saint. Oh I knew it in the instant I walked inside. Such beauty, I am humbled.

my soul knows it to be so too ...

.. when i suffered a cardiac and respiratory arrest and was resucitated .. i was placed in an induced coma for about 3 weeks to heal .. I believe with all my heart and soul .. I went to a place similar to that Steve describes .. a beautiful place .. that felt like home .. filled with love .. everywhere there i was embraced by love .. flowers and gardens .. and glorious homes .. for me it was heaven.

I recently wrote to someone who had lost both their grandparents and spoke of this experience .. When I was brought out of the coma this memory .. of being home .. dominated my thinking but it was difficult for me then to distinguish worlds ..

I was unable to appreciate .. where this 'home' i desired to return to was .. but sadly i realised slowly it was not here .. It is part of immortality and spiritual life!

Death is just a passing .. a word that imho .. does not convey its meaning accurately ..

To my heart there is no 'death' .. only life

and then .. to my physical heart .. there was no life only 'death' .. and evenso my spirit lived .. till healing provided a place for my spirit to again reside.

Knowing and reading Steve's experience affirms my own small and fragemented glimpse .. and I do not doubt this grand picture .. not one whit.

[Fist and Faith]

Sky,
This may seem silly, but it seems similar to what you're saying. In the episode of Lois and Clark where they finally got married, there was a character named Mike. He had never appeared on the show before, and nobody had ever spoken of him. But when any character saw him, they smiled broadly and said things like, "Hi Mike! Good to see you again." I don't remember how it was explained, but we understood that he was an angel, and we all know him in our hearts and souls, and to see him for the first time is no different than seeing an old friend.

And, since it's what I do, here's a few quotes.

There was never a time when I did not exist, nor you, nor will there be any future when we cease to be. -- Krishna in the Bhagavad Gita

Life is a corridor, and death merely a door. -- Master Po (Kung Fu tv show)

...death is merely another sensation, like sleeping or making love or touching a candle. -- George Lucas (sorta Obi Wan)

There, he is the earth and sunlight, the leaves of trees, the eagle's flight. He is alive. And all who ever died, live; they are reborn and have no end, nor will there ever be an end. -- Ged

Being at one with the Tao is eternal. And though the body dies, the Tao will never pass away. -- Lao Tzu

And let's give Foamfollower the last word:

But the power over death is a delusion. There cannot be life without death.

[Furls Fire]

Stephen said he was taken to that house many many times after that first night. Usually in his dreams, but also, like you Sky, in his comas. He used to say that when his passing came, it would be his home. There is no doubt in my mind that his spirit resides now in that little house from his dreams.

He drew pictures of it, and he collected art of cottages and small houses, lots of Thomas Kincaid and other artists. He was an art curator so he had quite a few. After his passing, we auctioned most of them off, per his wishes, and donated the money to AIDS research. I kept a few of the special ones and have them hanging on my walls. And when I look at them, I think of him living inside one of them in peace.

Have either of you ever watched the television show "Touched by an Angel"? This used to be Stephen's favorite show. His belief in God and Angels was very profound, and he always used to say that angels really did walk the Earth and that we all had a gaurdian angel at our sides at all times. I believe this too.

Sky, I am very happy you recovered from your cardiac arrest And what a glorious experience you had!! I have never had such an experience. I have had dreams of peace, when I felt the Lord's presence around me, but never the experience that you and Stephen had. You were truly blessed.

And Fist, did you read his poem about the tower bells? I thought you would enjoy that one, because of the Magi

"This life is just a step to the next. A hard one, yes, but when we finally ascend and step through, we find our Lord waiting to embrace us." My brother said this to me a few weeks before he was placed back in the hospital that last time.

Peace

[Skyweir]

Sky,
This may seem silly, but it seems similar to what you're saying. In the episode of Lois and Clark where they finally got married, there was a character named Mike. He had never appeared on the show before, and nobody had ever spoken of him. But when any character saw him, they smiled broadly and said things like, "Hi Mike! Good to see you again." I don't remember how it was explained, but we understood that he was an angel, and we all know him in our hearts and souls, and to see him for the first time is no different than seeing an old friend.

And, since it's what I do, here's a few quotes.

There was never a time when I did not exist, nor you, nor will there be any future when we cease to be. -- Krishna in the Bhagavad Gita

Life is a corridor, and death merely a door. -- Master Po (Kung Fu tv show)

...death is merely another sensation, like sleeping or making love or touching a candle. -- George Lucas (sorta Obi Wan)

There, he is the earth and sunlight, the leaves of trees, the eagle's flight. He is alive. And all who ever died, live; they are reborn and have no end, nor will there ever be an end. -- Ged

Being at one with the Tao is eternal. And though the body dies, the Tao will never pass away. -- Lao Tzu

And let's give Foamfollower the last word:

But the power over death is a delusion. There cannot be life without death.

nothing you said seems silly to me Fist infact what you said about the Lois and Clarke analogy resonnated with me.

I believe there is this level of intrinsic knowing .. a reception of pure intelligence .. the knowing kind on a profoundly spiritual level.

To some this may sound bordering on crazy .. lol .. but my husband has an aunt who died many years before we met and married. I had never met her or even seen a picture of her to 'know' what she looked like.

lols .. I had a funny experience a few years back where i felt this aunt of his present with me .. I felt motivated to do something for her .. not really confidently knowing she was driving me to act on her behalf in this matter or not .. but feeling to do it in my heart.

Once I had performed this thing I had felt driven to do .. a very small thing in fact .. I was soon after visited by her .. I saw her .. a young woman in broad day light .. and while I was fully awake and lucidly conscious even

.. and at that time she communicated with me .. not with words .. but spirit to spirit .. thanking me for what I had done on her behalf .. I knew it was Trev's Aunty Verna .. the same woman I had felt prompted by ..

Months later we visited his parents .. and they pulled out the family pics .. Trev was very eager to show me a pic of Aunty Verna .. I did not recognise this woman .. .. and I was sooo disappointed. Maybe I had been mistaken.

I flicked through the albums and came upon a picture of a young woman - the very woman who had appeared to me .. and who I had seen some months earlier .. "This is the woman I saw .. who is this?" I asked .. and to my surprise it was indeed his Aunty Verna .. but a much younger pic of her than the first they showed me. <boy she had changed >

well funny things do happen lol .. and some would be inclined to poo-poo such experiences .. and be that as it may .. but I know in my heart what I saw and felt .. and this knowing told me who this 'visitor' was .. and I knew her .. just like Lois & Clarke knew that guy/aka angel

I enjoyed all your quotes Fist .. each of them attests to the same reality .. the spiritual reality we are all apart of

Sky, I am very happy you recovered from your cardiac arrest And what a glorious experience you had!! I have never had such an experience

thankyou furls and lols .. I lost my baby girl during this experience .. and maybe I had this experience so that we could share a 'time' together .. far away from the grief and sadness that besieged our then failed mortal condition. I dont recall any of that .. but then I dont recall that level of detail .. I know there were people around me .. but I cannot now recall just who. However .. I can never forget the feeling and the warmth .. it was like being enveloped in pure love.

Someone once said .. that "if we could see into the spirit world for just a moment .. we would gladly do ourselves in just to get there" .. and all ethical questions and debates on the virtues of suicide aside .. it was meant rhetorically .. to demonstrate how desirous such a place would be

Have either of you ever watched the television show "Touched by an Angel"? This used to be Stephen's favorite show. His belief in God and Angels was very profound, and he always used to say that angels really did walk the Earth and that we all had a gaurdian angel at our sides at all times. I believe this too.

I know some would think these are just plattitudes we tell ourselves to feel the comfort of such pleasing concepts .. but regardless of what 'some' may think .. I have come to believe with some conviction that the spirit world is here .. among us. If only we had eyes to see lol .. we would see ..

I believe there are 'angels' & 'spirit beings' & 'guardians' .. around us .. and at times they are known to us .. and at others .. we blindly go about our business not cognizant of the co-existence of this very real intangible and non-physical existence .. we assign the 'spiritual'.

I love this quote .. "we are not physical beings having a spiritual experience .. but we are spiritual beings having a physical experience" .. or something like that