Kevin's Watch

I've spent the day just reading my mother. Bear in mind, that none of us had ever read her journals until now. In them she speaks of her love of life, her battles against injustice, and the devotion to her family. This takes a strength I never really knew I had. But, I find great joy in sharing this part of her with all of you.

I begin with the one where she speaks of meeting all of you for the first time, the day she found Kevin's Watch....

August 1, 2003: Friday, 9:47pm

I found out today that my favorite author has finally begun writing the end to the story he started so many years ago. And in my search for information on the tale, I came across a site called “The Land”. And through that site, I came across a discussion board called “Kevin’s Watch”. Looks like an amazing place. The Guides whisper in my ear that I belong there. Of course, I ask why. Do they answer? No. Does Stephen? No. Yet, I feel the line tugging at me, I feel the souls calling. The place beckons, and as I lurked through its pages, some of the names shown with colors that my computer screen could not possibly render and I heard the Guides say, “Important works need be done here.”

And so, a new journey begins. I feel it will be one of the most beautiful and tragic of my life. Some joys bring such sorrow. Yet, how can I refuse? When the Hands lead, I must follow. My heart will grow in this place. I know it. I know it as I know my name. Souls call. They call so loud and my prayers begin and my voice calls out their names. I do not yet know them, but I will. I will. They will come and go and come back again. Great happenings await me.

Ah, but my days will not be long there, will they? Somehow I know this. And when the time comes to leave it, I will not wish to go. Such love will be found. Such joy. My heart will be so full of it, leaving will cause great pain. I will not, will not wish to go. On that day, I pray that the Father will ease the path away, or carry me from there. For, my footsteps will be heavy and my feet may betray me.

Tracie! Do not dwell on the leaving, you have only just arrived. The leaving will come when it does. Put it from your mind and heart. The joy in the coming is all you need to feel now.

Yes, the joy in the coming, the joy in the meeting. Kevin’s Watch will be a glorious new journey.

“And bold to go where ever dreaming goes”

...
So shall it be written...
Thank you for having the strength and love it requires to bring your mother's thoughts and words to us, Brooke.

I had not yet come upon the Watch when these words were written. But I believe truer words regarding your mother's time here have not been written.shared.

No words suffice.

Thank you, Brooke. As you are able, please continue to share what you feel is appropriate for us to see. The miracle of the clarity of vision you mother had and the courage she brought to what she knew she might have to face amazes me.

Tracie, hail!

Mom always moved forward. She never backed away from anything. If she felt that God wanted her to do something, she would plunge into it head first, or maybe I should say "heart first", no matter what she perceived the cost to her would be.

There are some journal entries about Uncle Isaiah. She knew he was coming long before he ever posted to the Watch. I don't recall her ever saying anything about him to any of us until she met him here either. She didn't know his name, or where he was from, but she knew of him. I'll type up those and post them next.

Hugs everyone.

Glad to see you've started this, Brooke.

I remember when Furls first joined.

Guests could log in in those days, and so she did, to ask for help. She was having problems creating her desired username because the site wouldn't accept apostrophes.

I suggested Furls Fire instead of Furl's Fire, and made a very dear friend.

*nodding*
I think Syl had linked to her initial posts recently in Stephen's thread. I remember reading that exchange within the past few months, I believe.

and we all think of Mhoram in TCTC as 'seer & oracle'.......
Tracie truly had a gift & shared it with the world, thank God.
Earthy

Yes thank you Brooke for sharing this journal entry - I look forward to subsequent entries. Furls was loved from the moment she arrived and perhaps even before! There was a meeting of minds and spirit in exchanges with Tracie.

From her joining the Watch -- it was like embracing a newbie we have known forever (she being such a kindred spirit). This is not common to all -- but specific to Furls. We loved her - I loved her and thank you for posting your mum's thoughts here.

Kevins Watch is a rare and special site - as founding members (of jay ressop's genius) we embraced each other and all that joined.

Thank you Brooke - and as you feel comfortable and able to please post another

Even after your Mom has passed on,
she still has the kind-hearted influence upon people
that she would have wanted to be remembered by.
Thanks for sharing the things in life that she had enjoyed and left an impression on.

Huggles everyone

Here's another short one from 2003, this one was before she joined the Watch. But, I believe she was already becoming aware of Isaiah.

May 22, 2003 Thursday 11:46pm

Somehow the darkness of this night is deeper than usual. Heavy clouds hang over the Mountain but they do not release their burdens. They just hover around the tree tops blocking out the stars and the moon. I sit at the slider that looks out at the upper deck, no sleep came to me, it is a restless night. Restless in many ways. I keep seeing the image of a man, a very sick man, he moves in and out of my vision. Of course, I get no name nor do I get where he actually is, I just see his image. I ask aloud, “who is he?” and get no answer.

Restless is this night. I feel a weight on my heart. Something is close, so close but yet, unreachable. I cannot wrap my head around these feelings of urgency. The day itself was a good day, much was accomplished. My meetings with various hospital boards went extremely well, almost too well. I kept expecting the bottom to fall out below me. And he says. “Do not underestimate the power of your voice, people are compelled to listen.” Uh huh, if you say so, Steve. And yet, he seemed to be right today. All went well. Still.

Ah still, the night is restless. I am restless. The nagging pull of this something, whatever it is, makes it difficult for my mind to shut down and sleep. So, I stare out the window, into the gloom, into the impenetrable darkness. Odd, I can’t even make out the trees anymore. The night is completely and utterly devoid of light. The Mountain seems to tremble, like it too knows there is something not right, something restless.

Russell stirs in his sleep, and I look over at him. I smile, he seems oblivious to this darkness. I watch as his arm falls on my empty pillow. He begins to feel around and his eyes open. He sits up and his gaze finds mine. And in his groggy, sleep filled voice he whispers. “Can’t sleep?”

Thanks so much Brooke for posting these. I know it must be very hard for you. You have so much strength. You are following your mom's footsteps on here and that is just wonderful!!!!

Thank you so much

Hi everyone. I've been extremely busy and haven't been able to come here lately. I'm home for the weekend, so I thought I would come and post another one of Mom's journal entries.

She spoke here of Uncle Steve's last hours, but I do not believe she spoke of how she felt in the immediate days after he passed. So, here is the entry dated Sept 29, 2001. Uncle Steve passed Sept. 25.

And, I have to say, how she felt about losing him...is how we all feel about losing her now.

Mom always knew how to express literally every feeling she had.

September 29, 2001: Saturday 10:12pm

Stephen!

Ah my heart cries. My heart, so full of love for you my precious, beautiful brother, oh how it cries. You came to me, to us, and the immeasurable, tangible, indescribable joy we felt in your coming is now only as intense as the grief at losing you. The song that burst around us the day I first held you in my arms. The song that silenced your cries and brought your eyes to meet mine. We were joined you and I. Joined by a bond beyond that which this world could never comprehend. My soul knew yours the moment our eyes met. I hear the song now, but it is of grief, loss, my soul aches. How I miss you. How literally bereft I am without you. A part of me has been cut away, ripped away. The light has gone out.

Stephen!

How you suffered. How you lived in such pain. Yet, your light, your smile, your love outshined the brightest sun. The music you played, the poetry you wrote, the words you spoke. How the world weeps now that those things are silenced. How I weep.

How I weep as I watch the Mountain accept you. The doves come. The light comes. The grace comes. And I feel you everywhere. I feel your arms around me, I hear your voice whisper, and I know you are near. This day dawned like all others and the life here moves on. It is so less. So much less than it was. I cannot bring myself to thank God for ending your suffering yet. I cannot see beyond my own selfishness, my own desire to keep you with me. How do I let go of something that was essentially a part of my existence? As the Mountain accepted that which you left behind, I wailed inside and fell to the ground.

I have lost you, Stephen!

Lost you. Found you. I never really understood where all of this was going until I lost you. And found you. Beauty such as you is beyond all mere mortal comprehension.

But, I have lost you! And I do not care at this moment what meaning there was or is to all I know of you, us. All I want is you with me. Yes, it is selfish. Yes. Yes yes yes yes yes…but grief makes you that way. I grieve for you. No, wait, not for you. I grieve for me. My beautiful, precious brother now gone from me.

What now, what? What do I do without you?

Stephen! It is all so dark now. So dark.

Thank you for that, Brooke.
Yes, Furls could always express things others felt so well...

I am glad you have the chance to be home again.

This entry prompts me to ask.
Any word on the condition of the ground?
Is the memorial still on for Memorial Day weekend?

No, we did it two weeks ago. When the weather was nice. But, there is talk of having a get together this summer to celebrate Aunt Tracie's life with all her friends and the people she worked with.

Yes, I should have said something in my earlier post about that. The weather was beautiful up here a couple of weeks ago, so Dad arranged for the burial. We only had a few days to get everyone here for it. The sun was shining and the air was still as the Mountain accepted her. The doves came and a hush fell. Then there seemed to be long sigh. She now rests next to Uncle Stephen and Grandpa.

Like Jordan said, we would still like to plan on having all of her friends from KW as well as others to come this summer to celebrate her life and remember her.

May she rest peacefully and in peace.
Hail Furls Fire!!