Kevin's Watch

Thought I'd share some my amateur stand up comedy routines. If anyone else has some comedic wiritings they'd like to share, feel free to post them here. If you're offended by swearing or sexual references, best not to read on. Enjoy!

I approve of this, but if your routine incorporates pictures of naked women (or women together) make sure to run them by me for inspection. Thanks.

On coming out of the closet:

So I'm the at the age now where most of my gay high school friends have come out of the closet. I think it's a wonderful thing, but I have noticed that there's two basic types of closet dweller. The first guy, he's had one foot out the door since puberty, so when he finally comes out it's like:
"Guys, I've got something to say...I'm gay"
*total lack of surprise* "Cool man, have a beer."

Some guys are'nt like that, though. Some guys are so far back in the closet they're having tea with Mr Tumnus. They're sharing turkish delight with the White Witch. They're having dinner with the beaver family. Then some kind of alarm goes off and they're like
"Shit! I gotta get out of this closet! EVERYONE! I'M GAY!"
"Wow man, I had no idea...um, is that a talking beaver by your foot?"
"...No..." *kicks beaver* "Go, on fuck off back to Narnia."

"No, I'm gay now...I have no interest in beavers!"

On gender differences:

Boy, the balance of power between the genders is really shown in puberty, isn't it? I mean, look at what happens:
Girls get their period.
Guys get wet dreams.

Girls...get used to bleeding out of your vagina.
Guys...free orgasms, limited time only!

It ain't right! It just ain't fair! We should do something about it! We should start a movement where females all get together and men feel really guilty for having a penis, the sexual organ which doesn't look like a warzone every month. We could call it...feminism.

Jokes aside, I will say on the subject of periods, yeah it sucks and all, but you've been having this happen to you once a month since you were twelve, you'd maybe...just maybe...after a certain amount of time...get used to it??
I mean, I got used to masturbation pretty quickly...soon as those wet dreams stopped it was adapt and survive

On the use of the word "gay":

You know what I don't like about my generation? How we call everything we don't like gay.
"Man that test was so gay."
"That's such a gay show."
"You're gay"
"No, you're gay!"
"Am I gay?"

It's not homophobic or anything. We don't have anything against gay people. We're just...using their sexuality as a byword for everything we think is wrong with the world

I think gay people should get us back for that. I wanna hear a gay group of friends coming out of the movies:

"Man, that movie was so straight."
"Straight as a meter ruler."
"That was the most heterosexual thing I have ever seen."
"Like a penis going into a vagina, that's how freaking straight that movie was."
"It was so straight, I kept wanting to go out and buy a Playboy."
"Hey look, there's Jonno!" *calls out* "Jonno likes girls!"
Jonno: "Fuck you, man! I did yo daddy!"

Hah.
[true story]
A couple friends and I were going on a little trip. [navigator was gay].
We come to an 4 way stop. I say "Right, Left, or Straight?"
He says "I don't care about your politics, and I'm not going straight. But we gotta go forward to get where we're going."

It's easily possible [knowing him] that he stole the punchline from someone else and waited years to use it...but it still cracked me up.

Vraith wrote:Hah.
[true story]
A couple friends and I were going on a little trip. [navigator was gay].
We come to an 4 way stop. I say "Right, Left, or Straight?"
He says "I don't care about your politics, and I'm not going straight. But we gotta go forward to get where we're going."

It's easily possible [knowing him] that he stole the punchline from someone else and waited years to use it...but it still cracked me up.

Certainly sounds like the kind of thing you store away and wait years for the appropriate moment.