Kevin's Watch

i appreciate any and all comments about the fable.

kevinswatch.ihugny.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=21122

but please post them here so as to keep the clarity of the piece for any readers.

thank you - and i welcome any comments, critiques, grumblings. i trust your judgement and taste people.

this is the most fiction i have ever written - i deal mainly in poetry. i know it can be clumsy and unpolished. but i hope the story comes through.

i am a rookie at this so let me know what i am doing wrong. or what i accidently do right.

thank you all, sincerely. for letting me develop this.

Lord Baltimore met the Killer of Pain during the early August frost. She (and most assuredly she) was wearing her dress of many regrets. Pockets chock-full of pills and elixers. Salts and snake oils. The rucksack on her back contained the following : a brass sextant, quadrants for altitudes, three artificial horizons, the magnetic azimuth of the sun and polestar, pocket and surveying compasses, a two-pole chain for gauging distances and a log-line reel to measure rate and distance.

dearest sarge,

this paragraph is among the most beautiful of all your work i've read. it absolutely hooked me. lock, stock, and smoking poetry gun.

("smoking poetry gun" being a reference to the scene in jim jarmusch's movie Deadman in which johnny depp plays william blake:

Marvin (Older Marshall): You William Blake?
William Blake: Yes, I am. Do you know my poetry?
whereupon he takes out two six guns and mows the marshall down - the guns being the poems)

in fact, the entire piece reminds me very much of a jim jarmusch film, particularly down by law or deadman. (my 2 fav jarmusch films are stranger than paradise and deadman)

its like reading the screenplay of a jim jarmusch movie. it's poetic and funny and bizarrely cohesive.

i see only ONE wee baby mechanical problem, the over use of the phrases "with this he..." or "with that they..."

that is the only thing that stuck out to me as disrupting the flow. used once or twice its fine (i didn't actually count the times you used it) and is actually PERFECT for the cadence and the language of the piece. perfectly in character of the piece itself. you might go thru it and see how many times you used it and replace one or two with something else maybe "whereupon they..." or something like that, keeping in character of your usage of language.

and speaking of that (the language character of the piece) and speaking of another dead thing (which, now come to think of it, is in keeping with the piece too!! lol!!) the language ALSO reminds me of the use of language in Deadwood. how the writers of that series made obscenity sound like shakespere. your usage of language in this piece is very reminiscent. i love it.

i think its brilliant and look forward to more installments. thanks for reminding me to read the newest and to comment. i didn't see you'd made a comment thread or i would have told you all this before.

hugs,
luce


ps...gawd, you can't tell i'm a fangirl or anything huh!

Okay, I'll admit it: I feel like an idiot because I know the piece is supposed to be a palindrome and/or palindromes, and I haven't seen any yet. What am I missing? Or can I appreciate the story without it? Which I have been, so far, just to be clear.

heh. i didn't take it literally. i took it figuratively. it's a "there and back again" story?

ali - luci is right about the reason for the title having the word palindrome. i will also say that fable connects to another character in the piece. once you figure out who that character really is you will understand the reference in the title.

luci - thank you up front. as to your points.

1] She (and most assuredly she) - this is meant to be as if read to a child. but the first line Death Is Immenent is even more important to the idea that this is a children's story. read the Brother's Grimm. you will see that this serves as a cautionary tale as well.

2] though not a direct lineage - at least in spirit see this...
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Childe_Roland_to_the_Dark_Tower_Came

3] i have see a a couple jim jarmusch films (mystery train, coffee) and it seems that i need to see more. i love the idea poetry = guns. the fable is a classic road trip. (kerouac, further, etc)

4] i will watchthe mechanical - it is a weakness. and i welcome anyone whois a real writer that wants to contribute to climb aboard.

5] a huge fan of Deadwood as well. i was hoping Lore would comment as the language of Ned.

ok, this might make me seem real stupid, but I can't find the palindromes! I tried the boldface words and everything... unless this is some great web you're weaving, I'm stumped.

LZ, read the three posts directly above yours...

back on tonight with the purpose of adding some story. and explaining some things, but not too many.

It's getting complicated....I love it

Cameraman Jenn wrote:It's getting complicated....I love it

thank you - most everyone will love Sarah's (Luci) reasoning. I go there now.

and may I say this is an absolute blast. i watched The New Man in Charge from Lost tonight so I am in the mood to complicate...

ps: everyone needs to check the first post of the fable each time you read. as i will update the cast of characters.

and if anyone has a question feel free to ask. i will tell you the names mean something. i may not want to answer every question yet, but i would appreciate any you have.

Yay, I'm in it now! <ali sits back happily>

aliantha wrote:Yay, I'm in it now! <ali sits back happily>

did you research your character's name?

if anyone objects to their character or actions of their character i will take you off the cover page.

i had intended someone to be a recent character, but after what happened to that character i changed my mind.

it seems appropriate for the killer to act the way she did, but damn.

um....sarah is not in the cast list.

lucimay wrote:um....sarah is not in the cast list.

i have fixed. i need an editor.

i need to clean up the cast list - make it more presentable.

sgt.null wrote:

aliantha wrote:Yay, I'm in it now! <ali sits back happily>

did you research your character's name?

No. Uh-oh. What have you done to me?

<googles> Oh! That's excellent!

Sorry for not finding this thread at first, managed to comment in "The Person Above You Game" thread kevinswatch.ihugny.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=15017&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=640 in the Mallory's, not wishing to disrupt the thread with the story.

What you're writing is wonderful, most of all becouse it's so unusual and creative. I hope you're going to continue and will be glad to see more.

ali - you are safe (so far) just thought you would appreciate the origin of your character's name.

eff - thank you. i will need to go back and fill it out at some point. (or more likley find someone who enjoys that sort of thing.)

yay! i'm on in the intrepid crew!!! woot n woohoodey!

lucimay wrote:yay! i'm on in the intrepid crew!!! woot n woohoodey!

what do you think of your character's motivation? and how 'bout Captain Wheelock? does Peter know he is part of this?