Kevin's Watch

There is a subject I have never brought since I joined this site but I think I will mention it now. As many of you know I had three foster kids for the last 11 years. Well, there was another child. Her name was Christina. She was not a foster child, I adopted her.

When I was 30 I had two gay friends. I lived in the apartment above them in the Bronx. One of them had a god daughter named Christina. I met Christina when she was about 12 years old. She had been born in the Bronx and lived her whole childhood there. Briefly, too briefly I will describe her background. Christina was born into the worst neighborhood in the Bronx. Her father was Dominican and a drug dealer. Christina's mother was borderline hooker and the 'woman' of the father. Christina had three other siblings, all of different fathers. At the age of 3 Christina's father was shot in a drug deal gone bad and died in front of her and her sibs. She and her brothers and sisters were left with the body for more than a day until the mother returned. Two months later Christina's mother overdosed and died in front of the kids as well. Christina and one of her sisters were placed in what is called kinship fostercare with her uncle and his family. At the age of five Christina and her sister were diagnosed with syphilis and gonorrhea. All the kids were removed from the home and went back into the system. One year later Christina and her sister were 'adopted' in what is called subsidized adoption by an elderly couple, Francisco and America Feliciano. This couple already had four other girls, all similarly adopted. So they all resided in a three bedroom apartment in the Bronx. 6 girls, all subsidized by the state at a rate of 750 per child. When Christina was 11 her sister got pregnant by Francisco. Of course this was only revealed years later. Well, when Christina was 12 America died of cancer and Francisco called child protection and told them to take the girls back, that they were too much for him. Apparently he thought this was Macys and you could return them since he changed his mind.

My friend, being gay was unable to get custody of Christina. He asked me to take custody of her. Naively, I did just that. I met the little girl and she melted my heart. She won me over with the blink of her eyes and my heart belonged to her. So we got the lawyers, and vowing that she will never have to face the fostercare system again I adopted her.

The day we left the court Christina said she wanted to stop by her friends home and say goodbye since she was moving. And so it began. We did not see her until the next day, when she tearfully told us she had fallen asleep on her friends couch. A few days later, she was gone again and returned with other valid excuses. And on and on it went. So my friend and I decided to take her to a therapist. $800 later the therapist said Christina had attachment disorders and told us to get her a puppy. So off we went and adopted a puppy. Christina loved the little thing, and that evening she ran away again.......with the puppy. So back we went to the therapist who suggested I needed to bond with her and suggested that I do maternal things with her. So I decided to teach Christina how to cook. That day I sent her down to the market.....in our building...... and gave her money to buy chopped meat. 30 minutes, 40 minutes, an hour... no Christina. I walked down the stairs heading to the market to look for her, and there I see Christina in the corner of the stairwell, with the Super's son. She had the bag of chopped meat in one hand and you can guess what she had in the other hand. I grabbed the chopped meat and whopped her over the head. So she ran again. And we got her back again. and on and on. One day I get a visit from protective services telling me I was being investigated for tying her to the bed and not feeding her. Of course the case was closed. And so it went. A year went by, looking and finding Christina in all the recesses of the Bronx. At 13 I received a loud bang on my apartment door, I open the door and the police come storming in. Apparently Christina had been turning tricks from her bedroom through the fire escape and the neighbors had made a complaint. And on and on.

Then one day it ended. Christina had disappeared again. My friend and I were driving through the south bronx looking for her. And there she was. Wearing a tube top as a mini skirt and hooking on a corner. At 14. She saw us and ran. We chased her down an alley. She was hiding in the shadows next to a dumpster. My friend and I were trying to talk to her and we were just not paying attention. From behind us we heard a click. It was her pimp....she had a pimp! And he was holding a gun at us. I don't know if he was serious or it was bullshit but that was it. I was done. We got out of the mess with our skins.

I did not see Christina again for 5 years. Then one day I was working in the shelter processing center and in walks Christina. She had a female domestic partner, and a two year old son. The partner was very butch, I remember that. The 'family' remained with us being processed for three days. On the third day one of my staff came to me and told me there was problems with the little boy. I went to look at the child and the child had clearly been smashed in the face. His nose was twisted and his eyes were black and blue. I called the police. The child was removed into fostercare.

On a court ordered visit later that year Christina and her partner took the child and fled. I never saw Christina again. I found out recently that she died 5 years ago of aids. The last I heard was that her son is in lockup for domestic violence.

Life is a circle.......or is it a spiral? I keep looking for the hope in this tale, or as my friend Cambo would say, the Redemption. Not sure why I am thinking about her these days. She was a sweet little girl, with no hope and no chance.

Dunno what to say, lorin, and a virtual hug probably won't help, but here's one anyhow:

Definitely a lesson on how important a loving and supportive family is for a kid. So many indeed have no chance. Lorin,

Sweet mercy...
How do you bear doing what you do, lorin?

Ah, Lorin. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Thanks everyone for the kind words.

Savor Dam wrote:Sweet mercy...
How do you bear doing what you do, lorin?

I guess the better question is WHY do I keep doing what I do?

That is the question, Lorin. I know I wouldn't have the heart for it. You are definitely a good soul to try to help, but from my experience, people cannot get help until they are wanting that help. They best you can do is be there for those people who are honestly wanting to make a change and get their lives in order. A lot are not willing to do so. Age typically is a factor, but so many don't seem to make it long enough for the wisdom that age gives to do so. I saw this in several acquaintances from high school, and most of them are dead now. Very sad.

Well......


Going to give my kids and extra hug tonight.
Thanks.

Thank you very much for sharing this story, Lorin. I know that it was probably difficult to get it all out here.

Here is a Redemption-aimed statement I would put forth:
This obviously turned out very badly (understatement!) for Christina, but regardless of that, I imagine that she would still have been worse off without the multiple interventions that you staged, even though they ultimately did not have the effect you desired. It proves that the System fails us, but does nothing to prove that we should stop caring or trying.
And you are still here, despite how this situation turned out. You gained experience, though I'm sure you didn't want this experience, and it shapes the decisions that you make today, even though it is obvious to me given the few other things that I know about you, that it has not harmed your overall spirit.
We have a great capacity for caring -- and even though this capacity can be to our great detriment, it is what makes us Good people, and some of us Great.

I admire you.

dw

I've been ready to begin foster care myself for about 6 months now. My wife just gave birth May 18th tho, so she's not ready to think about more kids just yet. But I'm pushing to begin the process 2012.

I'm going to send her this story lorin, and hope she'll want to start it even earlier. I know not all situations look good, but for the ones where you make a noticeable difference, its worth it.

Cybrweez wrote:I've been ready to begin foster care myself for about 6 months now. My wife just gave birth May 18th tho, so she's not ready to think about more kids just yet. But I'm pushing to begin the process 2012.

I'm going to send her this story lorin, and hope she'll want to start it even earlier. I know not all situations look good, but for the ones where you make a noticeable difference, its worth it.

I would love to talk to you before you do any fostercare. I have had a total of 5 fosterkids, three long term (11 years) that I got from the homeless system, one with special needs and one adopted out of foster. I am not against it, I think it is very important, BUT you need to go in with your eyes wide open. You will be working with DYFS, which despite the bad press, is much better than some of the systems, especially the NYC system. I have taken the training in three seperate states and with four different agencies and I will tell you it is not enough.

lorin wrote:I guess the better question is WHY do I keep doing what I do?

I have asked you that very question multiple times, knowing what it has done and is doing to you. We need not rehash your answer here...just have courage and keep thinking about ways it might be possible to find another way to get by (maybe even thrive) rather than to spend more soul-sucking years in that system.

Cambo may be able to help point out a path for better way to look at what is, and make peace with it. I continue to advocate for paths to get out of there and make something else of your life in the time you have.

Either way, you need to change something. What this life is doing to you is painful to your friends as well as to you. Someone from "joysee" should be granted more joy to see!

An unspeakably, mind-numbingly sad story. If we stop to think about how many horrifying stories are going on every moment, we'd be catatonic. But sometimes, we have no choice but to think about it. Eh lorin?

Nothing can be asked of any of us but to try to ease each other's pain, and love each other as best we're able. A lot of us don't know the solutions to our OWN problems, much less another person's. Much less EVERY other person's. We can't fail, except by not trying.

WE ARE NOT REQUIRED TO SAVE THE WORLD. WE ARE REQUIRED TO STAND UP AS TRULY AS WE CAN FOR WHAT WE LOVE.

Savor Dam wrote:

lorin wrote:I guess the better question is WHY do I keep doing what I do?

I have asked you that very question multiple times, knowing what it has done and is doing to you. We need not rehash your answer here...just have courage and keep thinking about ways it might be possible to find another way to get by (maybe even thrive) rather than to spend more soul-sucking years in that system.

Cambo may be able to help point out a path for better way to look at what is, and make peace with it. I continue to advocate for paths to get out of there and make something else of your life in the time you have.

Either way, you need to change something. What this life is doing to you is painful to your friends as well as to you. Someone from "joysee" should be granted more joy to see!

some days you say just 'the thing' and you are so right. I never want to cause pain to my friends.

Here is the thing. I think a distinction has to be made between that soul sucking career I have chosen and the soul draining things I have done in my personal life. I think taking in these 5 children was an attempt, as foolish as it was, to make a family, to give myself a 'reason' to get through the days. I have always felt I would be a good parent but was never offered the opportunity. Over the years I needed to share my life with children and so I got involved with fostercare. It was a mistake, at least for me. There is a special quality and strength foster parents need to survive unscathed. And you need to be a couple, a united force, especially with the older ones. I know I did no damage to them, but in the end I wonder if I made any difference.

Christina's death was very hard for me, which is why I waited so long to share it with all of you. As much as I was able, I loved that child. But love is not enough. Sometimes nothing is enough. A hard lesson to learn.

Fist and Faith wrote:WE ARE NOT REQUIRED TO SAVE THE WORLD. WE ARE REQUIRED TO STAND UP AS TRULY AS WE CAN FOR WHAT WE LOVE.

but what do we love? Are we just in love with the idea of being needed?

We choose what we love.

Written for lovers, but largely appropriate for parent-child relationships (except where it isn't...)

Dean Friedman wrote:If I've managed to learn anything at
all from what we've done
It's that even though it fills the cracks and crevices
And mends the tattered soul
Still we're each the others nemesis and
Two halves do not always make a whole
And though you know I've often heard it said
We're made of sterner stuff
Love is not enough
Love is not enough

And all the things I left unsaid assuming that you knew
As if there were no question but that you could read my mind
And all the times I shut you out and
Left you hangin', me deaf, dumb and blind
And though I know we vowed to stick it out
Through the easy and the rough
Love is not enough
Love is not enough

All the stupid games we played to save our tarnished pride
As if it really mattered which of us was wrong or right
And even as we stood and watched it fall apart
I loved you with all my might
And though the heroes in the paperbacks
always wind up in the buff
Love is not enough
Love is not enough

lorin wrote:

Fist and Faith wrote:WE ARE NOT REQUIRED TO SAVE THE WORLD. WE ARE REQUIRED TO STAND UP AS TRULY AS WE CAN FOR WHAT WE LOVE.

but what do we love? Are we just in love with the idea of being needed?

I think we all want to be needed. At least to some degree. Some more than others. Some need to be needed to an unhealthy degree. Such that they are sad, or angry, or scared when someone doesn't need them.

But that's another topic. (Unless it applies to you.) What I'm trying to say is that we need to realize there are people in serious trouble. And we should to try to help them. But we need to accept that, no matter how sincerely we want to, and no matter how hard we try to, we cannot help everyone. It is not in our power. Very, very, very often, it is not REMOTELY in our power. How the heck do any of us think we know every possible approach to every possible problem? How do any of us think we can understand all the variables (emotional/mental predispositions; history, right down to the tiny, seemingly insignificant details that drive us all crazy for the rest of our lives; physical factors that the person may not be aware of themself; etc) that go into another person's problems? How do we even know every broken person can be fixed?? We don't. We're all walking around blind. But we try. We try to help others when we can. We do it because they need it. And we do it because we must. It's a part of what we are.

But we will sometimes not be able to help. And when that happens, we mourn for them. Even when they don't die, but "only" continue to live with the pain. But what we don't, or at least shouldn't, do is berate ourselves, feel useless, feel guilty, and all the other wonderful things we do to ourselves, for having failed.

Well said, Fist

This thread kinda has me asking the question: how does hope feel?

We may look at the regularity of the sunrise as a reason to hope, but how does that sunrise feel about itself?

What I'm trying to say lorin is that for a while, you have made it your business to be the hope of many, many other people... but being such, you don't see that. You can only see what those people do with that hope (as Fist elaborated earlier a couple posts above).

There is also beauty in the world.