cannibal recipe
Posted: Mon Jul 25, 2011 9:44 pm
meat:
your source should be a child or toddler, no older than seven years. After seven years, your body has recycled itself to the extent that you no longer have most of the original atoms you were born with. Contrary to what most cannibals believe, you can not harvest a soul or gain your victim's strength and powers unless you consume "original atoms."
Treatment: fatten them with candy-- I recommend hot tomales and atomic fireballs. The cuisine of India and Iran recognizes the sweet-hot taste cinnamon lends to meat, and the best part is, you can not over-season your meat if it has been fed its seasoning.
Pre-slaughter: As cultures that include dog flesh in their diet have learned, tormenting your livestock prior to slaughter releases adrenalin which tenderizes the meat very well. You will not need to over cook meat like this to get it to fall off the bone. Tormenting children is especially easy, as it is their nature to trust adults, and they are especially traumatized when you betray this trust.
Butchery: As noted child eater Albert Fish observed, the ass is the best part, as are the "monkey and pee wees" of little boys. Don't overlook the succulent marrow, which is extremely high in nutrients and tastes flesh, mellow, and pudding like at the same time. It melts in your mouth, and no carnivore in the wild will leave its kill without it. In order to cook the marrow down, reduce the bones to manageable pieces using a saw with very fine teeth. Don't worry about feeding your animals the entrails and other discarded parts-- if you live in an area that has been used as a body dump, chances are your dog or cat may have already consumed and enjoyed human flesh. If your dog likes to scent itself by rolling in carcasses, keep the skin for your animal to roll in. Keep it covered in an airtight container for at least five days to achieve perfect body and fruity undertones. Maggots can be harvested for a nutty pilaf (to be discussed in further recipes).
If you are sufficiently skilled in tanning, you may work the hide into a very fine suede superior in all ways to chamois.
The teeth of children make excellent beads for necklaces or to accent the fringe of buckskin garments.
***
And now the recipe:
Cut the following vegetables into cubes no larger than 1/2 inch.
Beets
Carrots
Apples (optional)
Parsnips
Onion
Slice the following into larger pieces:
new potatoes
leeks
summer squash
Now coat the meat in oil and lightly coat in flour. Pieces can be as large as two inch cubes. The best oil is hemp or olive oil, but blend it with a bit of sesame oil for the authentic "long pig" flavor.
Spices:
mustard seed
rosemary
fresh chopped parsley or cilantro (cilantro is best for Mexican children)
garlic
thyme
sage
salt
white pepper
place flour coated meat and vegetable in a large mixing bowl and coat with additional oil. Add spices and hand mix lovingly until well distributed.
You may now:
1. broil in a shallow uncovered pan in the oven for 1 and 1/2 hours to two hours, basting in oil and spices until a rich brown glaze has developed.
2. slow cook in a crock pot for 6 hours.
3. place in your local Moloch idol as a burnt offering, but please keep in mind, some people (vegans mostly) will find it offensive to waste food in this manner.
Disposal of remains:
Most of the bones can be fed into a wood chipper and used to increase the activity of worms in the compost pile. Much potassium can be recovered in this manner and is "green."
The Pelvis is not useful, although you may be able to work the thinner, flatter pieces into blades for bullroarers for music and nature worship.
The skull is commonly used as a bowl or drinking vessel, but makes a great Halloween decoration, which is useful in attracting more livestock.
Consuming the brain or spine is a dangerous and unsound practice as it may cause you to contract the fatal illness known in New Guinea as "Kuru."
additional notes:
lamb, beef, or pork may also be used with similar results.
your source should be a child or toddler, no older than seven years. After seven years, your body has recycled itself to the extent that you no longer have most of the original atoms you were born with. Contrary to what most cannibals believe, you can not harvest a soul or gain your victim's strength and powers unless you consume "original atoms."
Treatment: fatten them with candy-- I recommend hot tomales and atomic fireballs. The cuisine of India and Iran recognizes the sweet-hot taste cinnamon lends to meat, and the best part is, you can not over-season your meat if it has been fed its seasoning.
Pre-slaughter: As cultures that include dog flesh in their diet have learned, tormenting your livestock prior to slaughter releases adrenalin which tenderizes the meat very well. You will not need to over cook meat like this to get it to fall off the bone. Tormenting children is especially easy, as it is their nature to trust adults, and they are especially traumatized when you betray this trust.
Butchery: As noted child eater Albert Fish observed, the ass is the best part, as are the "monkey and pee wees" of little boys. Don't overlook the succulent marrow, which is extremely high in nutrients and tastes flesh, mellow, and pudding like at the same time. It melts in your mouth, and no carnivore in the wild will leave its kill without it. In order to cook the marrow down, reduce the bones to manageable pieces using a saw with very fine teeth. Don't worry about feeding your animals the entrails and other discarded parts-- if you live in an area that has been used as a body dump, chances are your dog or cat may have already consumed and enjoyed human flesh. If your dog likes to scent itself by rolling in carcasses, keep the skin for your animal to roll in. Keep it covered in an airtight container for at least five days to achieve perfect body and fruity undertones. Maggots can be harvested for a nutty pilaf (to be discussed in further recipes).
If you are sufficiently skilled in tanning, you may work the hide into a very fine suede superior in all ways to chamois.
The teeth of children make excellent beads for necklaces or to accent the fringe of buckskin garments.
***
And now the recipe:
Cut the following vegetables into cubes no larger than 1/2 inch.
Beets
Carrots
Apples (optional)
Parsnips
Onion
Slice the following into larger pieces:
new potatoes
leeks
summer squash
Now coat the meat in oil and lightly coat in flour. Pieces can be as large as two inch cubes. The best oil is hemp or olive oil, but blend it with a bit of sesame oil for the authentic "long pig" flavor.
Spices:
mustard seed
rosemary
fresh chopped parsley or cilantro (cilantro is best for Mexican children)
garlic
thyme
sage
salt
white pepper
place flour coated meat and vegetable in a large mixing bowl and coat with additional oil. Add spices and hand mix lovingly until well distributed.
You may now:
1. broil in a shallow uncovered pan in the oven for 1 and 1/2 hours to two hours, basting in oil and spices until a rich brown glaze has developed.
2. slow cook in a crock pot for 6 hours.
3. place in your local Moloch idol as a burnt offering, but please keep in mind, some people (vegans mostly) will find it offensive to waste food in this manner.
Disposal of remains:
Most of the bones can be fed into a wood chipper and used to increase the activity of worms in the compost pile. Much potassium can be recovered in this manner and is "green."
The Pelvis is not useful, although you may be able to work the thinner, flatter pieces into blades for bullroarers for music and nature worship.
The skull is commonly used as a bowl or drinking vessel, but makes a great Halloween decoration, which is useful in attracting more livestock.
Consuming the brain or spine is a dangerous and unsound practice as it may cause you to contract the fatal illness known in New Guinea as "Kuru."
additional notes:
lamb, beef, or pork may also be used with similar results.
