Kevin's Watch

Back by popular demand! Here for the first time by no demand! Ewe asked for it! Ewe didn't ask for it! Ewe're about to ask for it! 50% more counsel! 75.2% less wisdom! Free from artificial colours and intelligence! Black and White Wool proudly presents...

The All-new Sheep Advice Column (TM)

English translation: Here is the place for those vexing questions that trouble Watchers in their daily life. Can I wear socks with sandals if I'm not German? If my cat is chasing its tail, can I gaffer-tape its paw to its tail? When it comes to nose-hair, how long is too long?

Simply post your question, include a stamped, self-addressed envelope, six flagons of wine and a box of dark chocolates, and await the advice that will CHANGE YOUR LIFE!

DISCLAIMERS & EXPLANATORY NOTES

If you do something silly as a result of advice received at The All-new Sheep Advice Column (TM), The All-new Sheep Advice Colum (TM) will deny knowledge of any advice given.

If you do something smart as a result of advice received and said smart action results in profits of either a monetary, food or fame nature, The All-new Sheep Advice Column (TM) will claim intellectual property rights and an entirely reasonable 75% of generated profits.

Advice may often but not always contain poor attempts at humour. If you're wondering whether to end a four-decade relationship or lock your eldest child in a cupboard because, 'Dammit, that's the second time they've left smudges on the silverware!', then Agony Sheep may not be the place to seek answers. Try the tank. They've known for sensitivity and nuance.

I like cookies, but now I am the size of an elephant with elephantiasis of the belly. What can I do?

Shaun das Schaf wrote:Ewe asked for it! Ewe didn't ask for it! Ewe're about to ask for it!

...Can I wear socks with sandals if I'm not German?
...When it comes to nose-hair, how long is too long?

Brilliant!


Well, Agony Sheep, sometimes at the end of a long day, I just want to sit down and drink a good cup of coffee, y'know?

I know it interferes with my sleep a little, but I keep trying to tell my friends and family I don't really have a problem. Will ewe tell me how I can convince them that my coffee habit is no big deal?

Anxiously awaiting your reply,
-"Please insert coffee to continue operating human"

I have a question for Ewe...

How does one handle micromanaging bosses who know nothing about your field but still feel entitled to voice an opinion?

On a separate note...how many water-balloons would I have to fill to totally drench a group of 7 individuals?

Thank you for your timely answers!

Doc

Cagliostro wrote:I like cookies, but now I am the size of an elephant with elephantiasis of the belly. What can I do?

Dear Cagliostro,

Thanks for writing. I've got great news for you. You eat as many cookies as you like my boy! This is the very reason the cookie cutter was invented. Contrary to popular opinion, it was not designed to fashion decorative shapes from dough, but to shave off unsightly belly fat which is sometimes produced as a result of an overconsumption of cookies.

Now there have been unconfirmed reports of a tiny bit of pain during the procedure. You may want to apply a small amount of anaesthetic to the sight prior to shaving the flesh off, or alternatively, apply a large amount of alcohol just under the sight.

Anyway, the important thing is you get to have your cookie and eat it too!

Linna Heartlistener wrote:Well, Agony Sheep, sometimes at the end of a long day, I just want to sit down and drink a good cup of coffee, y'know?

I know it interferes with my sleep a little, but I keep trying to tell my friends and family I don't really have a problem. Will ewe tell me how I can convince them that my coffee habit is no big deal?

Anxiously awaiting your reply,
-"Please insert coffee to continue operating human"

Hi Linna, thanks for your letter. You've picked the perfect topic for the sheep, who also loves coffee and has also been advised by well-meaning interventionists to cutdown or give up. (They're dead now but I still hear their ghostly advice prior to drinking my 23rd cup a day.) Anyway, before I dispense my advice, I am wondering whether it is in fact yourself you are trying to convince and not your friends? Regardless, the following options should suit both:

1. Decaf.
2. Combine your night-time coffee with a sleeping pill. Yes you run the risk of developing another addiction, but on the positive side, coffee! AND pills!
3. Whenever you feel like your night-time coffee, go and ahead and make that cup. Make it hot and strong and smooth. Take a nice long deep breathe. Feel the coffee in your nostrils, down the back of your throat, behind your eyelids and within the mitochondria of all the cells in your whole body. Then pour the coffee into a sealed thermos and express post it to Australia where it will be daytime and Agony Sheep will be safe to drink it on your behalf.

Best of luck and thanks again for writing!

DoctorGamgee wrote:I have a question for Ewe...

How does one handle micromanaging bosses who know nothing about your field but still feel entitled to voice an opinion?

On a separate note...how many water-balloons would I have to fill to totally drench a group of 7 individuals?

Thank you for your timely answers!

Doc

Dear Doc, firstly, me deepest commiserations. There is nothing worse than an ignorant micromanaging boss. They are the bane of many a hard-working competent employee and I'm sure many Agony readers share both your experience and your exasperation.

Fortunately, there is light at the end of the tool-rainbow and it's right there in your letter. You merely take the solution to your second question and, with a little tinkering, apply it to your first problem.

Now the answer to your second question is actually quite complicated and involves a number of mitigating factors, including but not limited to: the size of the water balloons, the height from which the water balloons will be thrown, the surface area of the individuals, the permeability of fabric in which individuals are clothed and the density of the ground surface in the immediate area surrounding the individuals. However, for the purposes I'm suggesting here, merely fill one water bottle with fresh horse dung and 'accidentally' knock it onto the floor in close proximity to your boss's freshly-pressed trousers/skirt when said boss is at your desk, leaning over and breaching your personal space.

Happy dung-bombing and get him/her good for all of us!

Cheval wrote:Oh no, seems like another "Ask Mr. Propane" thread!

Hi Cheval, I did a search and found the thread of which you speak. The curse of unoriginality eh!
I claim what I call the fingerprint defence, i.e. we all have fingers but we also have fingerprints (originality within unoriginality).
Hopefully there'll be 50% more print and 50% reduced finger in The All-new Sheep Advice Column (TM)

Dear Ewe

My place is a mess and there's dust everywhere too. I try to get by but the piles and dirt are getting harder and harder to circumvent. Some people advised me to just clean that disgusting mess up but that sounds hard. What should I do? Do you have any advice for me? Please answer quickly.

shadowbinding shoe wrote:Dear Ewe

My place is a mess and there's dust everywhere too. I try to get by but the piles and dirt are getting harder and harder to circumvent. Some people advised me to just clean that disgusting mess up but that sounds hard. What should I do? Do you have any advice for me? Please answer quickly.

Hi shadowbinding shoe. I'm sorry to hear your place is a mess and you're right, cleaning doesn't just sound hard, it is hard. And what happens when you do clean up? That naughty entropy pokes its sticky fingers in and before long your place is messy all over again. So it's actually quite intelligent of you to surrender to the entropy. There is after all, great wisdom in recognising a stronger foe.

That said, you do have to live and move about in your place and that requires a certain neatness. Now don't worry, I'm not going to suggest actually cleaning up. As we've both already established, cleaning is hard work. It's also boring. Which is why we're going to play a little cleaning game I call 'Mess Tetris'. If your dirt and piles are spread out, they make your place look messier than necessier-ary. Remember leaving food on your plate as a child? Remember arranging it in piles to make it look smaller, and even hiding small chunks of food under the larger ones, or inside the dog? Well, it's a lot like this except there's no dog and no ice-cream when you're done.

Are you ready to play this fun game?! Of course you are! Off you go now, arrange your dirt and piles into complimentary geometric shapes, then fit those shapes together, push them over to one side of the room and cover the megapile with a lovely patterned throw-rug.

Happy illusion-cleaning!

how soon is now?

Shaun das Schaf wrote:

That said, you do have to live and move about in your place and that requires a certain neatness. Now don't worry, I'm not going to suggest actually cleaning up. As we've both already established, cleaning is hard work. It's also boring. Which is why we're going to play a little cleaning game I call 'Mess Tetris'. If your dirt and piles are spread out, they make your place look messier than necessier-ary. Remember leaving food on your plate as a child? Remember arranging it in piles to make it look smaller, and even hiding small chunks of food under the larger ones, or inside the dog? Well, it's a lot like this except there's no dog and no ice-cream when you're done.

Are you ready to play this fun game?! Of course you are! Off you go now, arrange your dirt and piles into complimentary geometric shapes, then fit those shapes together, push them over to one side of the room and cover the megapile with a lovely patterned throw-rug.

Happy illusion-cleaning!

Gosh, that all sounds way too much like work, man.

Dear Sheepliness, I'm on this forum with random crap and this one guy has an avatar that I can't look away from. This superhero seems to be getting bigger and bigger and the design in the background is so coooool and I can't take it!! What can I do??

Thanks,
Doe is me

deer of the dawn wrote:Doe is me

• • 
    
    

am i invisible and silent?

sgt.null wrote:am i invisible and silent?

No you are wise and patient. You know that in the olden days it took a week for your letter to reach Agony Aunt and then at least another for her advice to appear in the publication. You know it is only the kiddies who need instant gratification.

It's coming Sarge, but I can't write any old thing. This advice business is a serious responsibility. I have to think long and hard before I tell people to shave the flesh from their stomach.

deer of the dawn wrote:Dear Sheepliness, I'm on this forum with random crap and this one guy has an avatar that I can't look away from. This superhero seems to be getting bigger and bigger and the design in the background is so coooool and I can't take it!! What can I do??

Thanks,
Doe is me

Dear Doe, that's quite a quandary you find yourself in. It's very important that you continue to peruse, consume and contribute random crap, for within the random crap lies the playful spirit of the eternal child. And yet, I fear a hypnotizing force at work in the avatar of which you speak. I myself have woken suddenly in front of my screen with no memory of the many hours passed but always with that swirling pattern before my eyes. I use the past tense deliberately, for it has not happened since I made my magic patch. Would you like to make a magic patch? Of course you would! You will need:

1 x 2.5 inch square of cardboard
1 small roll of black (or blue) electrical tape

1. Cover the cardboard length ways with a piece of the tape, allowing a 1 inch overhang at both ends.
2. Keep this handy patch near your computer at all times.
3. When you come across the superhero, apply the patch, pressing down on the overhanging edges of the tape.
4. Remove and reapply as needed.

You may find over time that you get a build-up of tape residue. If you have pets or a dust problem like shadowbindingshoe, this residue will attract floating particles and fur. Any screen cleaning product will fix this problem.

You may also need to make and keep several patches handy for multiple appearances of the superhero on a single page.

I hope this helps and thanks for writing to Agony Sheep.

sgt.null wrote:how soon is now?

Hi sgt.null, thank-you so much for your letter. You have asked one of the BIG questions in life, to which my advice is:

'Now' is an infinite present containing no discrete units of time.
'Soon', though defined differently according to the relative position of the asker, sits on a continuum of time containing discrete units.
Therefore on a scale of 0-10, soon is 0 now.

I've answered your question with a high degree of certainty and I don't want you to think there isn't continued debate over this. Some philosophers argue the answer is "20 minutes past yellow" and many string theorists swear they are *this* close to proving the answer is "Pumpkin soup with flamingo croutons."

Whatever answer you believe best represents your reality, I wish you peace, love and joy as you inhabit your own infinite present.

Shaun das Schaf wrote: Dear Doe, that's quite a quadary you find yourself in. It's very important that you continue to peruse, consume and contribute random crap, for within the random crap lies the playful spirit of the eternal child. And yet, I fear a hypnotizing force at work in the avatar of which you speak. I myself have woken suddenly in front of my screen with no memory of the many hours passed but always with that swirling pattern before my eyes. I use the past tense deliberately, for it has not happened since I made my magic patch. Would you like to make a magic patch? Of course you would! You will need:

1 x 2.5 inch square of cardboard
1 small roll of black (or blue) electrical tape

1. Cover the cardboard lengthways with a piece of the tape, allowing a 1 inch overhang at both ends.
2. Keep this handy patch near your computer at all times.
3. When you come across the superhero, apply the patch, pressing down on the overhanging edges of the tape.
4. Remove and reapply as needed.

You may find over time that you get a build-up of tape residue. If you have pets or a dust problem like shadowbindingshoe, this residue will attract floating particles and fur. Any screen cleaning product will fix this problem.

You may also need to make and keep several patches handy for multiple appearances of the superhero on a single page.

I hope this helps and thanks for writing to Agony Sheep.

Dear Agony Sheep,

Whatever you're on, where can I get some?

D'oh is me

Shaun das Schaf wrote:

sgt.null wrote:how soon is now?

Hi sgt.null, thank-you so much for your letter. You have asked one of the BIG questions in life, to which my advice is:

'Now' is an infinite present containing no discrete units of time.
'Soon', though defined differently according to the relative position of the asker, sits on a continuum of time containing discrete units.
Therefore on a scale of 0-10, soon is 0 now.

I've answered your question with a high degree of certainty and I don't want you to think there isn't continued debate over this. Some philosophers argue the answer is "20 minutes past yellow" and many string theorists swear they are *this* close to proving the answer is "Pumpkin soup with flamingo croutons."

Whatever answer you believe best represents your reality, I wish you peace, love and joy as you inhabit your own infinite present.

i will have to ponder this......