Kevin's Watch

This year has been rough. Really rough. There has to be more to the experience than just saying "well, I survived". So here are my

Lessons in a year………….

The difference between need and want. Not knowing the difference led to my recent downfall. Materialistically and emotionally I was unable to distinguish the difference. Not knowing what I needed and not knowing what I wanted led to some very bad decisions. I wanted a house by the shore, I needed a small home with peace. I wanted a family, I needed love. I wanted a 48 inch tv, I needed……….no tv. I wanted my own pool, I needed a gym membership. (more to say about this later. It is my biggest discovery.

I am in charge. I never knew this. Why didn’t I know this? I am in charge of creating my environment, my own life. I am in charge of my health, my home safety. I have to be careful of the victim game. If I don’t take care of my health then I become the victim of self created fate. If I don’t exercise and my body gives out, I have no ‘fate’ to blame. If I get robbed because I didn’t secure my home, should I lay back and blame fate?

Make a plan and visualize it, over and over. Change the plan as needed, but always have a plan. The randomness of life will set you in the wrong direction without a plan.

Let go of anger. It will kill you. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Anger is exhausting.

Believe in possibilities but keep your feet on the ground and keep walking forward.

I love the examples you gave for "the difference between need and want." Now that's really knowing the difference on a deep level of "knowing."

lorin wrote:...More to say about this later. It is my biggest discovery.

I'm looking forward to hearing.

Me too.

lorin wrote:I have to be careful of the victim game. If I don’t take care of my health then I become the victim of self created fate. If I don’t exercise and my body gives out, I have no ‘fate’ to blame. If I get robbed because I didn’t secure my home, should I lay back and blame fate?

I see some wisdom here that could be applied to my own situation.

Be careful, tho, of taking on *too* much self-blame. I tend to see that as another form of victimhood -- "The Idiot Me did it to the Real Me again!" I mean, sure, you should have been more careful about locking up at the new place -- but the preponderance of the blame is still on the robbers because they're the ones who took your stuff.

EDITED to add: Oh, and feel free to ignore my advice. *I* always do!

Yes- just because you refuse to be a victim does not necessarily make you a perpetrator.

lorin wrote:The randomness of life will set you in the wrong direction without a plan.

Seneca the Younger wrote: If a man does not know to what port he is sailing, no wind is favourable.

On the other hand, if you have no set destination, then any wind could be the right one.

--A

Avatar wrote:

Seneca the Younger wrote: If a man does not know to what port he is sailing, no wind is favourable.
--A

That is spot on, at least for me.


Need vs. Want I think the inability to distinguish the two has effected every aspect of my life. For instance, in food. I do not need chocolate, I want chocolate. But in the moment when life is closing in on me, it shifts to need. When does it make that shift? Somewhere during the moments when I feel unfulfilled and lonely it becomes a need. Yesterday I went to Ikea with the objective of only buying two bamboo blinds. Ikea is the Disney Land of retail. They literally make a path that meanders you through one world after another, and by the time I got to the end of the path my basket was filled with things I needed. I stopped and looked at my basket, filled with little plastic this and little wooden thats. This was the fork in the road (literally). So I said to myself, "self, be honest at least. You don't need another set of plastic storage dishes, you want another set of plastic storage dishes. Know the difference, approach this purchase with honesty." I guess what I am saying is need is that which enables you to survive, want is that which can enhance your life.

As I am writing this my clients keep popping up in my mind. I think they suffer from an extreme version of need vs. want. Their inability to distinguish when they want that 51" flat screen vs. the apartment they need, the want always wins out. Their approach is always that life is so tough they need (deserve) that flat screen...video game....sneakers.....iphone...yada yada....yada. So somewhere there is a shift and they need the flat screen and want the apartment.

Am I so different from my clients? Not really. But this is not about them, it is about me. So need vs. want effects both the physical and material aspects of my life, but it also effects the immaterial aspects of my life. A little more complicated subject, a lot more difficult to define. What do we need emotionally to survive and what do we want emotionally to enhance our lives? Don't think I am ready to approach that one. Better for another sleepless morning.

Btw, I ended up purchasing $26.00 worth of things I wanted, culling it down from about $200.00. I needed two bamboo blinds, which Ikea doesn't sell anymore. Did I really need bamboo blinds? Perhaps not, I wanted bamboo blinds.

lorin wrote:

Avatar wrote:

Seneca the Younger wrote: If a man does not know to what port he is sailing, no wind is favourable.
--A

That is spot on, at least for me.

Nah, I tend to go the opposite way...if you don't know where you're going, it doesn't matter where you go.

--A

Avatar wrote:

lorin wrote:

Avatar wrote:

That is spot on, at least for me.

Nah, I tend to go the opposite way...if you don't know where you're going, it doesn't matter where you go.

--A

wherever you go, there you are.

Meandering through the river of life has led me into some pretty dry gulches.

lorin wrote:What do we need emotionally to survive and what do we want emotionally to enhance our lives? Don't think I am ready to approach that one. Better for another sleepless morning.

Ooooh... (not that I'm looking forward to you having another sleepless morning!)

One thing I think is a real need is to continually do some things that are creative.
Maybe you wanted to buy things to beautify the space you live in... which can be a creative process!
You are someone who does creative things. (art, writing, cooking... I just discovered the pictures you made in the Album.)

lorin wrote:Btw, I ended up purchasing $26.00 worth of things I wanted, culling it down from about $200.00.

We can try to celebrate your small victories with you, right?
Although just now I hesitated to use the word "small," fearing it might sound too negative.
..Why do we humans so often "despise the day of small things"?

I read somewhere (maybe here at the Watch?) not long ago that many poor people spend disproportionately on stuff like cars and big TVs because they feel that things like houses and (decent) apartments are out of reach. So they rationalize by spending their money on nice things that they perceive they can afford.

Anyway. To be the devil's advocate about need v. want -- I agree that it's a problem for nearly everybody in our society. But I am here to tell you that you can go too far in the direction of *only* buying what you need. I was a serious advocate (probably to the point of being tiresome ) for awhile about simple living -- not the "Simple Living" magazine kind, but the *real* if-you-don't-need-it-don't-buy-it kind. It kind of got to the point where it felt like we never had any fun. I mean, you rarely *need* to go out to eat, or see a movie, or buy stupid crap at IKEA. Some people would handle it by giving themselves an allowance of $X per week that they could blow however they wanted.

Anyway, lorin, kudos to you for putting all that stuff back. I'm resisting a trip to IKEA myself, for just that reason...

Avatar wrote:On the other hand, if you have no set destination, then any wind could be the right one.

That would be how I see it, too. But anything and anywhere can bring some good to your life. So, all winds are good if you want them to be.

Avatar wrote:

lorin wrote:

Avatar wrote:

That is spot on, at least for me.

Nah, I tend to go the opposite way...if you don't know where you're going, it doesn't matter where you go.

--A

Well, it does matter, but you might not have any way of knowing how it's going to matter.

Nah, the amount or degree to which it matters is, I think, largely up to you.

--A