Kevin's Watch

A thread for anything both food related and funny:-

Jokes, quotes, one liners, stories, news - anything goes, but you gotta' laugh!

eg The trouble with italian food is five or six days later your hungry again.

I love children, but I couldn't eat a whole one [WC fields]

Thre are two things in my life I like firm and one of them is jelly [Mae West]

A Dutchman who has lived exclusively on a diet of commercial pigeon food for the last three years claims it could be the answer to world faline. Soaked over night and then boiled, he claims it as all the nutritional requrements to sustain life, and in a healthy balance. "I've eaten three platefulls a day for three years and haven't had a day sick since I started. I've never felt better in my life!" he told reporters. "Why they don't ship it out by the lorry load to areas of food shortage is beyond me."

According to the discerning cannibal the tastiest people on earth to eat are the French as compared with their near neighbours the spanish, who are virtually inedible.

In the wilds of Afghanistan I lost my corkscrew. We survived for days on nothing but food and water! [w c feilds].

I don't drink water. Fish f*** in it. [ibid]

Yes - that's the spirit V. Now we're on a roll let's keep this baby moving!

On the subject of peanut butter [surly one of the finest foods known to man] there are an unfortunate group of people who suffer from an unrealistic fear of it's tacky and glutinous 'mouth feel' so in respect to them I give you:-

Arachibutyrophobia - the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth.

A man walks down the road carrying a basket of eggs. He meets a man coming in the opposit direction who buys half of his eggs plus one half of an egg. Continuing on he meets a second man who again buys one half of his remaining eggs plus one half of an egg. A third encounter occurs and again he sells half of his egg plus another half of an egg and at this point the man has sold all of his eggs. Question - How many eggs had he to begin with? [It's easy for me to ask - I've got the answer in front of me ].

The first meal eaten on the surface of the moon by Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin was roast turkey with all the trimmings [served in foil trays and not from a toothpaste tube as popularly believed].

He had

Spoiler

7

eggs.

--A

George Carlin - Where Is All the Blue Food? www.youtube.com/watch?v=l04dn8Msm-Y

Bizzare - I posted here yesterday and my post seems to have vanished! Perhaps I pressed the wrong button or something!

Quick recap - Av, bang on correct [I'll pm you about that because something interests me about this.]

Classic 'Tommy Cooper' sketch:-
[must be performed mentally in a TC (Cooper that is) voice]

"Aha ha. I went out for a lovely meal last night - ordered it in french. Waiter was suprised, it was a chinese restaurant!
"I'll have the chicken" I said. When he brought it over I said "This chicken's cold". "It should be" he said, "It's been dead two weeks". "It's got one leg longer than the other!" I said, "What do you want to do", he said "eat it or dance with it".

peter wrote:Bizzare - I posted here yesterday and my post seems to have vanished! Perhaps I pressed the wrong button or something!

I've done that. I've hit "Preview" instead of "Submit," and then forgot to press the "Submit" button.

Menolly wrote:I've hit "Preview" instead of "Submit," and then forgot to press the "Submit" button.

Not very often, Ms. #4 most prolific poster on the Watch. Only Av, Sarge, and Cail surpass you...and they all frequent fora you will not willingly read, much less post to.

Savor Dam wrote:

Menolly wrote:I've hit "Preview" instead of "Submit," and then forgot to press the "Submit" button.

Not very often, Ms. #4 most prolific poster on the Watch. Only Av, Sarge, and Cail surpass you...and they all frequent fora you will not willingly read, much less post to.

Maybe so, but at the frequency of posts per day, I won't surpass any of those three.

Menolly wrote:

Savor Dam wrote:

Menolly wrote:I've hit "Preview" instead of "Submit," and then forgot to press the "Submit" button.

Not very often, Ms. #4 most prolific poster on the Watch. Only Av, Sarge, and Cail surpass you...and they all frequent fora you will not willingly read, much less post to.

Maybe so, but at the frequency of posts per day, I won't surpass any of those three.

heck I was at home for months with my ankle surgery and didn't come close to Av.

Different times Sarge.

peter wrote: Quick recap - Av, bang on correct [I'll pm you about that because something interests me about this.]

I thought we were getting another one...

--A

And so you are Av, and so you are .

Three boxes - one of apples, one of oranges and one a mix of the two. All boxes have lids with pictures of the contents but some klutz has mixed 'em up so all boxes have the wrong lid on. By opening one box only to view the conents, determine the contents of the other two boxes beyond a reasonable shadow of doubt!

The tin opener was invented in 1855 - forty years after the tin!

peter wrote:And so you are Av, and so you are .

Three boxes - one of apples, one of oranges and one a mix of the two. All boxes have lids with pictures of the contents but some klutz has mixed 'em up so all boxes have the wrong lid on. By opening one box only to view the conents, determine the contents of the other two boxes beyond a reasonable shadow of doubt!

The tin opener was invented in 1855 - forty years after the tin!

Hmmm...I believe if you

Spoiler

lift the "mixed" lid, you will see either all apples or all oranges..if it is all apples, the oranges lid will be on the apples box, and the apples lid will be on the mixed box.

BTW, the best [as in always worked, never broke down, never got stuck, doesn't need power, superconvenient to carry, etc] can opener I ever had was issued me by the Army, hung on dog-tags chain, and was about the size of the last knuckle on a thumb. I think it was P-37? p-thirtysomething.

Vraith wrote:

peter wrote:And so you are Av, and so you are .

Three boxes - one of apples, one of oranges and one a mix of the two. All boxes have lids with pictures of the contents but some klutz has mixed 'em up so all boxes have the wrong lid on. By opening one box only to view the conents, determine the contents of the other two boxes beyond a reasonable shadow of doubt!

The tin opener was invented in 1855 - forty years after the tin!

Hmmm...I believe if you

Spoiler

lift the "mixed" lid, you will see either all apples or all oranges..if it is all apples, the oranges lid will be on the apples box, and the apples lid will be on the mixed box.

I mildly disagree with you, vraith.

I believe

Spoiler

that it doesn't matter which lid you lift.
If you lift the "mixed" lid, your progression is logical. However, you'll achieve the same result with any lid you lift.
The "mixed" thing is a pure misdirection - it might as well be lemons, or herring, or anything else you fancy imagining.
There are three separate and visually distinct sets of contents and three three separate and visually distinct sets of lids.
The only important fact is that none of the lids match the contents - hence lift any lid and you'll be sure where everything is.

Heh.

--A

Vraith wrote:

peter wrote:And so you are Av, and so you are .

Three boxes - one of apples, one of oranges and one a mix of the two. All boxes have lids with pictures of the contents but some klutz has mixed 'em up so all boxes have the wrong lid on. By opening one box only to view the conents, determine the contents of the other two boxes beyond a reasonable shadow of doubt!

The tin opener was invented in 1855 - forty years after the tin!

Hmmm...I believe if you

Spoiler

lift the "mixed" lid, you will see either all apples or all oranges..if it is all apples, the oranges lid will be on the apples box, and the apples lid will be on the mixed box.

BTW, the best [as in always worked, never broke down, never got stuck, doesn't need power, superconvenient to carry, etc] can opener I ever had was issued me by the Army, hung on dog-tags chain, and was about the size of the last knuckle on a thumb. I think it was P-37? p-thirtysomething.

Nailed it in one V! I can see I shall have to 'up the ante here a bit - at work my mates can't even follow the questions never mind get the answers! [nb I love 'em to bits anyway].

They used to line tin cans with lead of all things and I believe even poisoned the members of an early Antartic expedition thereby!

The legendary Escoffier was reknowned throughout Paris and London for the deliciousness of his creations and with this in mind a gastronomically inclined bookworm decided to attend a ten course banquet prepared by the master himself. The banquet was held on the bookshelves in the kitchens of the Savoy Hotel, London and comprised the ten volumes of *Le Guide Culinaire* placed in order upon the said shelves. Each of the ten volumes was two inches wide and our bookworm, being a stickler for propriety began at the beginning of book one and proceeded in a straight line to the end of volume ten. Dabbing his mouth in a genteel fashion with a silken wipe the bookworm made the following grave prounouncement. "Escoffier, chef of kings and king of chefs, I salute you, for surely that was the best [???????] inches of books I have ever eaten!"

Question; Through how many inches of book did our gourmand gnash on his epic gustatory journey?

peter wrote:"Escoffier, chef of kings and king of chefs, I salute you, for surely that was the best

Spoiler

SIXTEEN

inches of books I have ever eaten!"

Emphasis, and answer [which is correct, BTW] mine.