How Do You Feel Today? v4

[Khaliban]

I got a girlfriend, so maybe the rabbits did something right. Or, they got distracted. I still think they hate me. I'm still struggling with the depression, but it's getting easier.

[StevieG]

Good to hear!

[Avatar]

Congrats. One day at a time.

As for me, am around, been a bit distracted lately.

--A

[Menolly]

Rabbit
Rabbit!
Rabbit!!

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[Avatar]

Eh, I'm bored and lazy. I'm on leave after next week Wednesday, and with a raft of public holidays coming up, as well as my birthday (which I get a paid day off for from work), I put in for 6 leave days and got 14 consecutive days off (including weekends).

That's great and all, but I'm already firmly in holiday mode and can't be arsed to do much of anything, and still a week to go...this is not good...

--A

[Menolly]

Et tu, Brute?

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[Menolly]

פורים
Purim Sameach!
Happy Purim!

Here’s a plate of hamantaschen I assembled at the hamantaschen bake at CHABAD earlier in the month. I baked them all at home and then froze them.

I think I rolled my dough too thin, as most of them popped open on at least one side, but I’ll try again next year.

I defrosted them on a couple of baking racks this morning, and then arranged them prettily on the plate.

[Savor Dam]

[actual plating by Dam-sel]

Having sampled poppyseed, apricot, and lemon, these are yummy hamantaschen. Both crust and fillings are spot on.

[Khaliban]

The drama continues. My girlfriend might have PTSD resulting from emotional abuse. I told her I have Asperger's, and I'm going through depression because I fell in love with a married woman. I shouldn't be able to fall in love, so the discovery impacted me severely. I accidentally found a way around Asperger's, but it took 40 years. I've been dating to try to get over her. I told all of this to my girlfriend while we were still messaging each other on OKCupid. I told her the most she could expect from me was a normal NT/ND relationship. She told me she understood and even read a book on how to date someone with Asperger's. After six weeks of dating, we had our first argument about the married woman. She's upset that I can say I love that woman but not her. I told her I found a loophole, it only worked once, I don't know if I can do it again. I told her depression doesn't go away that easily. She told me she thought I could transfer my emotions for the married woman onto her. She told me she loved me and was 100% devoted to me. After six weeks. Five dates plus some conversations over Facebook. She's told me about the terrible experiences she's had with previous partners, and I wonder if she sees me as a rescuer. I told her, I didn't cure Asperger's. What I did worked once with one person. I still don't feel anything for my family. And I sank into a depression so severe, I lost entire days to it. Her argument is, "Because you love someone else!" I've explained to her, if I lose this emotion, I go back to the isolation of Asperger's. I've told her I'm doing my best in a difficult situation. I will admit, I'm not perfect in this. I'm not blameless. I still cling to that emotion, because I'm terrified of losing it. I went through the most emotionally devastating year of my life, and I'm still recovering from it. It's still not enough for her. She's obsessed with reciprocity. I told her, that might take years. Even if there were no other woman, that's life with Asperger's. The farther this goes, the more unstable she gets. She exhibits multiple symptoms of PTSD like people pleaser and highly sensitive to criticism. At this point, I'm worried for her. Her core argument is valid, but the severity of her reaction has me concerned.
I don't know if this is as bad as it seems. I don't have a lot of experience with girlfriends, but this doesn't seem right. She's a fully functional adult, and, when things are going well, we get along fine. But, if something triggers my depression, an argument happens. I've tried to keep the subject away from her, but I get triggered by a lot of things.
I don't know how to process any of this. I wanted to date to help the depression not add to it. She sounds like she's going through a lot of pain, but she feels betrayed if I experience my own pain.
I don't think she's dangerous to herself or others, but I am worried about her.
Any thoughts? I could use them.

[Menolly]

Rabbit
Rabbit!
Rabbit!!



@Khaliban , I’m defaulting on this one to SD. My inclination is probably neurotypical, in that I would say all couples argue and yeah, females tend to want to be the only one who matters.

I have yet to see Beorn have a relationship of any sort, so I honestly have little guidance to offer. I hope SD can be more helpful.

[Khaliban]

Thanks, we're working on it. She has episodes and goes off like that. And I'm partly to blame. I was so focused on my own depression, I didn't realize she was in pain too.

I'm pretty sure your rabbits hate me. Seriously. Not life shattering, but, still, [bleeping] rabbits.

[Savor Dam]

Communication is key. You need to be as agape with each other as you can mutually manage. If you are far apart on feelings, focus not on what each feels, but on what each can do and be for each other. What does she need from you and you from her?

Admittedly, I am coming at this from a somewhat unique perspective. I was in my 50s and married for nearly half that period when I came to know that I was high-functioning autistic and Aspergers. I knew I was running different firmware than most of my peers for decades, but had no idea what the issue was. I learned to function professionally and personally, built a career, married Dam-sel and we raised Dam-et as a deaf child...with no idea that both he and I were deep in the spectrum.

My correspondence on the Watch (and then in direct messaging) with Menolly changed everything. I never hid this from Dam-sel; indeed, she occasionally participated in our chats, but as Menolly and I discussed our challenges with our differently-abled sons, I came to understand what had never come to light about my own experience.

At the same time, Menolly and I tried to help each other with our issues with our marriages...but the time came when something between us caught fire. No, we had never met in person.

Again, I was open with Dam-sel, assuring her that I remained committed to what we'd build over more than a quarter-century, but that something real was going on with my online friend. She agreed to trust me.

It is not my place to discuss what took place between Menolly and Hyperperception, who had married about the same time as Dam-sel and I, and whose son, Beorn, is the same age as Dam-et. Suffice to say that Dam-sel and I brought Menolly into our household a dozen years ago. The household has its good and less-good moments, but we are stable.

Infinite diversity in infinite combinations...

[Menolly]

Perfect for Wear Blue for #autismacceptance Day!

[Khaliban]

It's not communication. I told her everything. It's more complicated. My depression triggers her PTSD. She wants me to love her, but I can't reciprocate. But I can write something like this about another woman:

viewtopic.php?t=27318

And it's killing her. She tries to be everything, and it's not enough. I told her, it could be years. Her mind understands, but her PTSD can only see the other woman.

[Savor Dam]

Yes, you two are communicating, but not about what you can mutually control. I know it is a huge and risky leap to each let go of your pain and fear, not put expectations on each other, be honest, open, and defenseless, build mutual trust, and focus on what concrete actions and behaviors you want to see from each other.

You need to be as agape with each other as you can mutually manage. If you are far apart on feelings, focus not on what each feels, but on what each can do and be for each other. What does she need from you and you from her?

I don't want to put words in your new lady's mouth, but Menolly makes a good point upthread when she talks about the desire to be, if not the only one who matters, at least being primary. You may need to trust yourself enough to say less about your ill-fated passion for the married lady. Don't promise your new partner actions or emotions to which you can't commit, but draw her out about what she envisions you two could share, not in terms of emotions but what the behaviors toward each other might be. Model the same descriptions back to her. Keep it real, rather than aspirational. See each other clearly and negotiate to find out what you each need, and can be, for each other. Over time, your bond will evolve; keep that communication going so you both keep it fresh and relevant to where your bond is and where it may be heading

You've been on the Watch long enough to remember Furls. "Love Prevails."
Good luck!

[Menolly]

All that you touch
And all that you see
All that you taste
All you feel
And all that you love
And all that you hate
All you distrust
All you save
And all that you give
And all that you deal
And all that you buy
Beg, borrow or steal
And all you create
And all you destroy
And all that you do
And all that you say
And all that you eat
And everyone you meet (everyone you meet)
And all that you slight
And everyone you fight
And all that is now
And all that is gone
And all that's to come
And everything under the sun is in tune
But…

[Menolly]

For those in the North American continent, here’s an idea. If you’re not planning on holding on to your eclipse glasses until the next total solar eclipse over North America in 20 years, here’s an option other than filling landfills with them.

https://astronomerswithoutborders.org/p ... stribution