In Memoriam: Cagliostro

[Cagliostro]

I'm here and realize how long it has been since I've been back to the Watch. I've been spending way too much time while working listening to AJR, a band my daughter turned me onto, and listening to podcasts and such from Marc Maron (WTF podcast), the Friendship Onion with Billy Boyd and Dominic Monahan, and Evening Skews with the Liberal Redneck. Yes, a diverse lot.

Anyway, yeah, so....news.

I just had a PET scan and the cancer is advancing again. The doc said I've just gotten to the point of the three chemos where they aren't doing anything for me anymore. By the three chemos, I mean the ones that most insurances approve.

So, the other day I had a liver biopsy to see if the tumor has mutated, and if it has, then maybe some immunotherapy will keep me propped up for another few months, and will be less harsh on my body. Fingers crossed that is an option. Because if it isn't, then the doc will try to find another chemo the insurance will accept, and again, propped up for a few more months. I didn't realize we were almost out of options, so I am a bit upset the doc didn't inform me, but also I think it would have gotten me down knowing this.

So I'm sad that I might not make it until Christmas, but there is still hope. Right now I am also having several issues going on. I had blood in my stool at some point, which turned out to be hemorrhoids (AKA the piles), which I am decidedly unhappy about, but treating. I also had the drain put in, and it is more of a pain in the ass and painful than I originally had hoped. And now in the last day or so, my belly button seems misaligned or something, and it looks to be a umbilical hernia, which offically makes me an old man. So fuck.

Still, just trying to remain positive despite my body starting to give up. It's probably a sign to my brain to do the same, but I'm fucking stubborn on that point, and still want to make it until Christmas. I'm juicing every other day with the drain, but only draining 2-3 liters. If I do more, I run the risk of my blood pressure or something like that dropping too low.

I did communicate with Fist, and we'll see if this hernia turns out to be something I have to take care of right away, which means I'll miss my opportunity with him, but if not, I'll hopefully meet him Tuesday or Wednesday.

Still working, and it is still shit, since they want to shift me off to another job that I don't want to work. Mainly because I don't want to learn new things right now for a new job. It is definitely remote still, which is good, and I think they understand the limitations I have, but I haven't been contacted by anyone about this other than that my boss has mentioned they are talking about it, then that it is almost certain to happen in September. I can't wait to quit this fucking job.

[Fist and Faith]

Let me know! Any day that works for you works for me.

[Skyweir]

Oh Cags - sounds grim but don’t feel old cuz of the hernia - I had a hernia removed in my 30s and again in my 40s so you get a new belly button lol

My son did a GoFundMe for my “niece” who has a rare brain cancer - to help raise money for the things she is going to need but aren’t covered by insurance - could we or a family member do that for you - to expand your chemo options???

Take care dudely - we’re gunning for you - let me know if you’d like any help with getting a GoFundMe up and running - you may be surprised by the tangible support that friends and family desperately want to give.

Be good to access treatment options and not be confined to only what is covered by your insurance.

Sending love n hugz

[peter]

Good to hear from you Cags!

The whole thing sounds wretched for you my friend and you have my profound sympathy. I wonder what the reasoning is behind the insurance companies decision to limit their coverage to the three forms of chemo you mention? Possibly that they are very conservative in their approval and newer/ the newest treatments are simply not supported by enough data to satisfy those demands. Sky's idea of a GoFundMe pitch in these circumstances might be a good one.

Good that you are able to maintain remote working in both your current and proposed 'new' job; having to drag to the office each day would be a nightmare. But I absolutely get your desire not to be doing it at all.

As to Christmas- have no fear, you'll be there! Us stubborn old mules don't get told what we can and can't do that easy!

Take it easy my friend. Respect and good wishes in buckets from this side of the pond!

[Avatar]

Ah, mixed feelings...great to hear from you, wish the news was better.

Like Peter though, I'm pretty sure that you'll continue through sheer stubbornness.

Really hope you manage to meet up with Fist, and as always, keep us updated. We're railing at an uncaring universe on your behalf.

Sterkte!

--A

[Fist and Faith]

It was an absolute pleasure meeting you.

Sorry to interject some joy into this depressing thread. I just spent the last couple hours with Cags. As I said, I'm in Denver on vacation, did a search for Denver, and look who's here. I don't expect to meet many Watchers for the first time at this point, having met so many already, so that itself was a treat. I drove over to his house, and we talked about all manner of things. Started with Star Wars. No idea how we got there, but it was really fun. We shared our memories of having met many of you, and meeting SRD at our respective 'fests. Spoke a little about TCTC, although not much left to say on the topic after all these years here. Spoke of Earthsea. A little bit of our life histories. Just on and on. It was very easy and comfortable, as it should be for people who have been hanging out here together for 16 years.

You can see my three failed attempts to post a fucking picture of the two of us. Resizing it hasn't helped yet. I'll try again tomorrow.

[peter]

Excellent! Get that picture up Fist!

[Menolly]

Yay!

[deer of the dawn]

[Fist and Faith]

Hope this works.

[sgt.null]

Great pic!

Cags - continued prayers.

[Skyweir]

Awwww how wonderful sooo lucky you can get together!!

Sounds like a fabulous visit

[Avatar]

Glad to hear y'all managed to hang out.

Seems the album is glitching out, I have mailed Vain about it.

There is no longer any difference between virtual and meat space I feel these days.

--A

[Skyweir]

True that … another good incentive for a virtual elohimfest of some kind.

[Cagliostro]

Sorry I have been so quiet since we met, Fist. Work got busy, and I was dealing with some shoulder pain that was mostly keeping me from wanting to do any additional typing than necessary. If you spotted me reaching to my shoulder several times while we talked, that was kind of the start of my week of awful. I'm still kind of having it, but it feels MUCH better today after a nice sleep finally delivered by Oxycodone. Sure made waking up this morning for work hell though.

So Wednesday I find out the results of the test we did to get the immunotherapy drug, or whatever. Fingers crossed. I'm nervous as shit about it.

Had a really good weekend with the kids.

As for a GoFundMe or whatnot, I wouldn't feel good accepting money from others, and have felt uncomfortable whenever someone has given little things so far. I just wasn't raised to accept anything except from family. And since my chance of survival from anything from here is pretty much nil, I'm just delaying the inevitable anyway. I'd love to make it until Christmas, but with what I'm enduring lately, I'm definitely preparing myself for the end. I've fought the good fight, and if there is something affordable, then sure I'll try to prop myself up until Christmas because of the kids. If it doesn't happen, it'll be scary, but also strangely a form of relief. I'm honestly not ready to go now, but I'm also not entirely opposed to it either. I just selfishly want a little more time to tell my story to the kids, and want to spend more quality time with them, but I know it's bumming them out too. I'm sure they will look back at this time with mixed feelings - great to spend more time with their dad, but also burdened with this long slow deterioration as horribly painful to their psyche. Still, can't be helped, and I'm digging every day we get to hang out and actually have fun.

And yep, the report from Fist on this was accurate - very easy conversation for someone who has suffered from social anxiety. But I've definitely had very easy conversations with a lot of Watchers, and it still seems like almost all of you imaginary friends of mine are especially good people, and every time I meet a new one of y'all, it seems to further this theory.

Anyway, take care, and I'll update when I can after Wednesday.

[Fist and Faith]

I'm glad I joined the ranks of those who are no longer imaginary.

[peter]

Trust me - I look better in the imagination than I do in the flesh (particularly in comparison with you two handsome beasts in the picture!)

But joking aside, absolutely the best of wishes for a good result on Wednesday Cags. Keep us up to speed as and when time permits. We're with you all the way!

[Skyweir]

I get and respect your thoughts about gofundme … it’s hard accepting help … but to give a little perspective, it’s not money - it’s love. Just love.


… if there’s a drug that will make a difference but you couldn’t access it cuz of a limitation of your insurance .. please reconsider.

So glad you are memory-building with the kids sending lots of love n cyber huggles

[Fist and Faith]

Plus, you know, we're not talking about accepting help because you need to paint the house, or need new tires on the car.

[Skyweir]

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