Kevin's Watch

+JMJ+

I'm sorry to hear about this dark turn. Godspeed.

Hi folks. Thanks for being patient with me. I no longer have a laptop of my own, but my wife does and I finally have some time type and the energy to do so. i stumble a lot over the keys and have to correct and reread and try to get it out correctly. The phone seems to be a bit easier for me, but doesn't like this forum, for some reason.

After posting that on Facebook, I was overwhelmed with responses, most of them well thought through and beautiful and completely face moistening. I felt compelled to thoughtfully respond to each and every one, and got some phone calls and FB Messenger messages as well. It has really been feeding my spirit more than food has been, and sustaining me so well since receiving the bad news. I feel better than before and expect to hold for a while just supported by all the love. Plus it gave me a purpose, but I am now caught up and wanted to get over here ASAP after a brief break.

So to go back a little bit, I was in and out of the hospital for a while there with weird various things, and my health would decline until I was released, usually several days later, and then I'd feel better. I had to keep delaying my PET scan that I just knew would be a bad one. I felt ready and willing to hear the bad news at that time that there was nothing else to be done about treatment, and as seemingly brave as I had been, I had a trio of SERIOUSLY fucked up dreams all ending in one where I was clinging to my dad's leg as a scared child and realized that yes, I really am hiding away my fear and I need to deal with it a bit. I woke up sobbing and couldn't stop for a while.

Finally when I got the PET scan the doc said that it was good news and there was no new cancer progression. So he talked me into starting chemo again after over a month off of it. The first round hit me hard and was really difficult to recover, and the second round left me so weak I could barely stand up and feeling worse than ever. I ended up going to the hospital again a few days later, and found my potassium levels sucked and that my kidney numbers sucked as well. They tried to boost them but everything was ineffective. There was a kidney doc that started coming in that wasn't my usual but was from the same place as my usual who was scary and first gave me the doom and gloom forecast. I really wanted a second opinion, and later the next day, the doctor came in and gave me the same information, which is when it hit me, and hard. She asked if there was anything she could do for me, and I asked if I could just hold her hand for a bit. She let me take it and I cried for a bit, and then thanked her.

So, we have got hospice just started going, the in home version, and I've got a nice little old lady walker that I use now. I feel myself getting stronger though, which is odd, but I get a little dizzy without it. I have some morphine that I've not sampled yet (definitely ready to do that) and now that I have done a lot of the writing I intend to do, I'm going to start dosing up a bit more. I'm going to see if I enjoy some of the THC gummies that my wife has about and see if they make me feel good or too self-conscious. There is a lady down the block who has offered us some mushrooms that I'd love to try, but I'm a bit more skeptical of that because the couple of times I have tried that, it lasted way longer than I probably would want, and could turn sideways if I'm not quite feeling right.

We have hired an End Of Life Doula, (look it up) who just happens to be the ex-wife of one of my best friends. I don't think I would have done it if it wasn't her, to be honest, as I didn't really want a stranger assisting me on from this world. I would rather it be someone I know and trust and love already. We have met with her and she is definitely the right one for the job, and she said she is honored to even be considered. So yay.

As for spiritual matters, I've done a lot of exploring in my head and elsewhere. Robert Anton Wilson has really been working for me lately, and I recently saw a documentary on George Harrison called "In The Material World" that I found a lot of beauty in some of his discoveries, mainly the ones that weren't of the chanting variety, but the areas in between all that. I find Buddhism really suits me well, particularly the learning lessons from one life and working on and on until you can end your connections and stop your suffering and enter Nirvana. And if I had the opportunity to be a Bodhisattva, that concept really appeals to me. But again, leave me out of the chanting and endless meditation and such.

And if the atheists are right and everything just stops, at least I'll never have to be bothered by any of the questions again. But I do hope there is an afterlife of some sort. I just hate to think all this knowledge I gained in this life will just be gone forever. But that is an attachment I need to let go of.

I should probably wrap up soon as I am getting hella tired, but I really want to say that Kevin's Watch has the world to me since I joined. I have met so many good people here, and many of them in real life, but sadly people come and go and aren't always replaceable. I am sad so many people have left here that I love and cherish, as it was a thriving community when I joined. Had so much fun with my adopted twin sister Jenn, Cov Jr., Seareach, Danlo, Lucimay who I realize is still here, Aliantha, Leper Messiah, Irish Mike (ussuss something), Lurch, Stevie G, endless respect for Avatar, and just scores and scores of others that my brain is just too weary to remember each one.

A big salute to Mallory's for being the main fun place to go, the Tank for being very interesting but very exhausting back in the day before it became no fun, General Discussion for general goodness, the movie and tv forums to demonstrate your snobbiness, and all the others. It has been such a wonderful party, guys, but the evening is wearing down, and I don't want to have to help clean up so I'm making my exit while I still am able. Viva la Kevin's Watch!!!!!!!

Love you all beyond words.

Oh, and thanks Stevie G for posting my Facebook post here so I didn't have to deal with that. I appreciate it.

It's been an honor and pleasure, Cags. The Watch has been an amazing thing for closing in on 20 years for me, and you are one of the people who made it great.

I think you have become something of a teacher for all of us with this thread, and in general. Your situation tops the list of shitty things a person could go through. You've shown us a grace and wisdom that has me in awe. You may say we only see you in your best moments. And, surely, you would rather skip the whole thing, and not be needing to teach us at all. But the situation is what it is, and you are. Ultimately, we'll all be on your path. I hope to walk it with half the strength you are.

You have all of our love, respect, and thanks.

No words can express my feelings. It has been an honor Cagliostro. May whatever the rest of your journey in this life and next be blessed.

Your spirit and words and feelings will always be carried and remembered in KW and in our hearts

Much love and peace to you, Cag. It's been an honor.

Damn Cag..... Against all odds I was hoping you would end up beating this. I hope you spend the rest of your days and hours in peace and love with your family and close friends.

Honest Abe said:

In the end, it’s not the years in your life that counts. It’s the life in your years.

We all find that out at some point in our lives.

I hope to meet you on the other side one day.

Kindest regards,
Soulbiter

Cagliostro wrote:After posting that on Facebook, I was overwhelmed with responses, most of them well thought through and beautiful and completely face moistening. I felt compelled to thoughtfully respond to each and every one, and got some phone calls and FB Messenger messages as well. It has really been feeding my spirit more than food has been, and sustaining me so well since receiving the bad news. I feel better than before and expect to hold for a while just supported by all the love.

I am glad that happened. So glad.

cags wrote:Plus it gave me a purpose, but I am now caught up and wanted to get over here ASAP after a brief break.

This is so cags: "ALSO, it gave me a lot of energy, and so now I could get back over here and talk to you guys."
(That's how I read it at least.)

Cags wrote:I should probably wrap up soon as I am getting hella tired, but I really want to say that Kevin's Watch has the world to me since I joined. I have met so many good people here, and many of them in real life, but sadly people come and go and aren't always replaceable. I am sad so many people have left here that I love and cherish, as it was a thriving community when I joined. Had so much fun with my adopted twin sister Jenn, Cov Jr., Seareach, Danlo, Lucimay who I realize is still here, Aliantha, Leper Messiah, Irish Mike (ussuss something), Lurch, Stevie G, endless respect for Avatar, and just scores and scores of others that my brain is just too weary to remember each one.

A big salute to Mallory's for being the main fun place to go, the Tank for being very interesting but very exhausting back in the day before it became no fun, General Discussion for general goodness, the movie and tv forums to demonstrate your snobbiness, and all the others. It has been such a wonderful party, guys, but the evening is wearing down, and I don't want to have to help clean up so I'm making my exit while I still am able. Viva la Kevin's Watch!!!!!!!

Love you all beyond words.

Awww man.

Thanks for sharing all this with us. (even the hard parts. I love you describing your weakness. Like "I have a little old lady walker.")

I don't really want to say goodbye, and it seems to suck.

I've never known what to say in these situations - sometimes words just aren't adequate.

Thank you for being here. You will be missed.

Hey everyone. I've just been on FB and Cag passed today.

May his memory be a blessing.

From his wife:

"My heart has joined the Thousands, for my friend stopped running today." -- from the book Watership Down by Richard Adams.

My beloved husband, Michael Miller, said he wanted this quote posted on his wall when he passed.

There is more to say, of course, but all in good time...

Farewell Cags

Farewell Cags. Godspeed.

Rest in peace, Cags. You will be missed. <3

Remember me as you pass by.
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now so will you be.
Prepare yourself to follow me.

Safe travels Cag.

--A

Goodbye Cags.

An extraordinary passing. Seems like a very odd thing to say. I don't know if I would do half as well. A rare courage and grace.

Please pin this thread.

StevieG wrote:From his wife:

"My heart has joined the Thousands, for my friend stopped running today." -- from the book Watership Down by Richard Adams.

My beloved husband, Michael Miller, said he wanted this quote posted on his wall when he passed.

There is more to say, of course, but all in good time...

Farewell Cags

It's strange, this world we're living in. I never knew his real name. Cags was enough.

It is strange. I met him last summer. If we exchanged names, I don't remember.

Peace and rest Cags ♥�♥�♥�♥� You are already sorely missed and there is a hole in the world you once inhabited.

Love Always ♥�♥�♥�

Sorus wrote:
It's strange, this world we're living in. I never knew his real name. Cags was enough.

I think I referred to him as Cags also, even if we were communicating outside the Watch.

My last personal correspondence with him was in late March when he had given the dire news. I, like a few others, asked it he could muster up the energy to say farewell on the Watch. His great response was this:

Cags wrote:I am working up to it but I cannot get caught up on all the emails and fb messages and posts in the thread on fb. I will get to the watch when I am done but I want time to do it right and posting on the watch is so much more work because I have to use the laptop which my fingers fumble over. You aren't the first watcher to ask me to update there and I will but need time.

Meanwhile, from all the love in me and from the bottom of my heart, I say fuck off - stop nagging me.