Kevin's Watch

Thomas Covenant walked down main street looking like a dead man walking.

Fucking wife left me...Those teenage girlies over there sure are purty, and it's been... a while...

But Thomas Covenant just kept walkin'. When he reached the power company office and walked in the door, the woman behind the counter shrieked "LEPER!!!" and pointed. The look of complete terror in her eyes chased Covenant back the way he came. He remembered just in time to throw the check he made out to "Powr Coompane" back through the door. The check fluttered gently to the floor and lay there until security came along wearing hazmat suits to dispose of it properly.

"Fookin' Aaayy!" Covenant screamed out loud. He ran out into the street. The power company must've had a leper alarm button under the counter just in case. Covenant turned like a doddering old fool just in time to see the leper police car arrive on the scene, only to slam into him, sending him flying with another "Fookin' Ayyyyyyyy!" and, thankfully, knocking poor old leper Covenant unconscious.

His final thoughts before the coma took over were...

His final thoughts before the coma took over were...

Dotard!
... as he had been doddering.

Is "leper police car" a car for police who are lepers, a car for police who handle lepers, or a car with leprosy for police?

wayfriend wrote:

His final thoughts before the coma took over were...

Dotard!
... as he had been doddering.

Is "leper police car" a car for police who are lepers, a car for police who handle lepers, or a car with leprosy for police?

Yes!

"Doe-tarrrrdddd!"

The leper police are a special forces unit trained to contain and control Thomas Covenant.

Thomas Covenant woke to the sound of laughter. "Hee-hee-hee-hawwww-hee-haw-hehawww. Me! mine! all mine!"

Is it my greedy wife? he thought wistfully. Images of fully engorged breasts - not his wife's - entered his turgid brain.

"No, Grewl," a cold, calculating voice rumbled. "This enemy is too over-powered for you even with the Bludgeon of Watercress you now wield."

"No! You promised! You even said!"

The world changed around Thomas Covenant. This new development was even more mysterious than the previous one. Covenant thought, I never ever saw nothin' like this before. Ever!

Covenant tried to stand, only to fall down again.

The voice of evil rumbled, "..."

"Deedeedee-dee-de-de-de-dee!"

"Whut? Why?" mumbled Covenant. "What do you want from me?"

"I want you to pray to me," announced the voice of evil.

"IS THAT ALL? Shit, you must be my rich ex-brother-in-law. What kind of prank is this?"

"Give me the ring!" announced the voice of evil.

"This? Here! Take it!" Covenant removed the ring with his three remaining fingers and threw it to the source of the voice.

"No! Wait! It's not supposed to be that easy!"

"Well, what did you want somebody to do, write a ten-story series about it?"

"Crush! Death to them all. Crush to death and burn!"

Is that my wife again?, thought Covenant dimly.

"Grewly, give me back that ring!"

"Hee!Hee!Haw!Haw!Haw!hee-haw-hee-haww! Adiós, Lord Loser!"

Grewly vanished through a portal that looked like floor sweepings and cigarette butts being slowly stirred by a giant Chef Ramsey.

"You'll pay dearly for this!" roared Lord Loser. His blurred out fist pointed directly in Covenant's direction.

"Whatev!" Covenant said retortly. "I already paid for it for ten years of Hell on Earth! Hey, what's wrong with your hand? Got anymore of them pixels? I can hardly make out any details!"

"I'll show you! You just wait and see! Ah'll be back, Fool!" Lord Loser faded away like a worn-out joke, or, worse, like a Piers Anthony one-time-use-insta-pun.

"That's the worst Terminator impersonation I've ever heard since the last time I went to Las Vegas! Ever!" Covenant shouted at the figger as it vanished like a dead frog into a muddy pool of water on a cloudy day.

There was a sound of boulders rumbling together like two fat teenagers on prom night.

"You again?" Covenant was so taken aback by the sudden reappearance of Lord Loser that he had to feel around to see if his back was still attached.

A further sound, a tiny clink of metal, echoed through the gloam and darkness. Covenant clenched and won the clench-racing contest by default.

"Now pick that up and don't ever ever do that again! Ever!" roared Lord Gloomy-butt.

Covenant picked up his wedding ring and jammed it onto his flip-off finger.

"Peace among worlds!" yelled Covenant happily while he flipped off Lord Fool with a grin.

"Shut UP! I have a message for you to take the Council of Dottards at Neverstone which is conveniently many, many leagues from here! Tell the Lords of the Council that their puny little world will end in about 40 some years, and the moon will turn vibrant colors, and signs like that will happen signifying their doom!"

"Okay, then what?" asked Covenant who was outwardly shuffling his feet demurely but inwardly plotting a way to conquer his ex-brother-in-law's demesne.

What should Lord Doodle say next?

"THERE IS NO THEN WHAT!" roared Lord Foulballs.

'Well, I must admit! You haven't changed at all, Lord Look-How-Special-I-Am! I'll just take this valueless ring and trade it for a Berek drop-cloth! Also, I'm feeling kinda rapey. But I can't do anything about it!"

"Whatever health you lack is mine to give. JUST DELIVER THE MESSAGE!"

Lord Ex-brother-in-law Loser vanished.