Kevin's Watch

My two favourites would have to be:

Bruce's Philosophers Song (as I said in another thread):

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable.

Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table.

David Hume could out-consume
Wilhelm Freidrich Hegel, (or Schoppenhauer and Hagel in some versions)

And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.

There's nothing Nietzche couldn't teach ya
'Bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.

Plato, they say, could stick it away--
Half a crate of whiskey every day.

Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle.
Hobbes was fond of his dram,

And René Descartes was a drunken fart.
'I drink, therefore I am.'

Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed,
A lovely little thinker,
But a bugger when he's pissed.

And You're Jeans Are Too Tight - GUD
(but I don't have the lyrics at the moment, i'll post them later)

So, what are some songs that really make you laugh?

The Bloodhound Gang have a lot of funny songs, but I don't think many of them are safe to post...
This one is ok (warning, may be a little bit offensive to christians):

Hell Yeah:

Spoiler

Alright now boys and girls we've got another story for you now!
We want to introduce to you another friend of the Bible!

Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Hell yeah

If I were God there would be no explicit sex on T.V.
Like little Opie eating pie when he made it with Aunt Bea

If I were God thou shall not worship false Billy Idols
And thou shall add the Book Of Flavor Flav to the Bible
Thou shall make fun of Hindus thou shall not make a "Speed 2"
If I were God that's what I'd do Heavens no

Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Hell yeah

If I were God I'd get a bunch of slaves to do everything
Norwegian lesbians that feed me grapes and know how to sing

If I were God thou shall not wear tube socks with Flip-Flops
Thou shall sit and thou shall spin thou shall even wife swap
Thou shall resist the Olsen Twins, thou shall not cut "Footloose"
If I were God that's what I'd do, Heavens no

Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Hell yeah

And when they nail my pimpled ass to the cross
I'll tell them I found Jesus that should throw them off
He goes by the name Jesus [note - pronounced hey-suse] and steals hubcaps from cars
Oh Jesus [hey-suse] can I borrow your crowbar?
To pry these God damn nails out they're beginning to hurt
Crucified and all I got was this lousy T-shirt
"I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!" I'll sing as I'm flogged
Yeah that's what I would do if I were God
So vote for me for Savior and you'll go to Heaven
Your lame duck Lord is like Kevin Spacey in "Seven"
With creepy threats of H-E-Double-Hockey-Stick
You just can't teach an old God new tricks
But would I be a good Messiah with my low self-esteem?
If I don't believe in myself would that be blasphemy?
Just sport some crummy "holier than thou" facade
Yeah that's what I would do if I were God

While travelling the East Coast of Australia earlier in the year this song was played to us and I think it fits here pretty well

Deadly Animals
By The Scared Weird Little Guys

Redback, Funnel-Web, Blue-ringed octopus
Taipan, Tigersnake and a Box jellyfish
Stonefish and the poison thing that lives in a shell
That spikes you when you pick it up


Come to Australia
You might accidentally get killed

Your life's constantly under threat
Have you been bitten yet?
You've only got three minutes left
Before a massive coronary breakdown

Redback, Funnel-Web, Blue-ringed octopus
Tiapan, Tigersnake and a Box jellyfish
Big shark just waiting for you to go swimming
At Bondi Beach

Come to Australia
You might accidentally get killed
Your blood is bound to be spilled
With fear your pants will be filled
Because you might accidentally get killed

I've always gotten a kick out of this song, popularized by Cream on Disreali Gears in the 70's (Of course it's more fun to sing at 2am in the morning with 3 other drunken mates, thus terrorizing the neighborhood )

Mother's Lament

(traditional)

Are we wollin'? A one, a two, a free, a four...

A mother was washing her baby one night,
The youngest of ten and a delicate mite.
The mother was poor and the baby was thin,
'Twas naught but an skelingtin covered with skin.

The mother turned 'round for a soap off the rack.
She was only a moment but when she turned back
Her baby had gone, and in anguish she cried,
"Oh, where 'as my baby gone?" The angels replied:

Oh, your baby has gone down the plug 'ole.
Oh, your baby has gone down the plug.
The poor little thing was so skinny and thin,
He should 'ave been washed in a jug, in a jug.

Your baby is perfectly happy;
He won't need a bath anymore.
He's a-muckin' about with the angels above,
Not lost but gone before.

Thankyou,
Do you wanna do it again?

...........................................................

Here's a hilarious Irish drinking song I (and the rest of the bar) sang along with the Chieftans live in Pensacola in '80 (sung to the tune of Johnny's So Long at the Fair)

Seven Old Ladies

Oh, dear, what can the matter be
Seven old ladies got locked in the lavat'ry
They were there from Sunday 'till Saturday
Nobody knew they were there

Spoiler

optional: tralala, tralala, tralalalalalalalala...OH SHIT!

(insert after each verse)

The first to come in was the minister's daughter
(The first was the Bishop of Chichester's daughter)
She went in to pass some superfluous water
She pulled on the chain and the rising tide caught her
And nobody knew she was there

The next to come in was dear Mrs. Mason
The stalls were all full so she pissed in the basin
And that is the water that I washed my face in
And nobody knew she was there

The third old lady was Amelia Garpickle;
Her urge was sincere, her reaction was fickle.
She hurdled the door; she'd forgotten her nickel,
And nobody knew she was there

The forth to come was old Mrs. Humphrey
She shifted and jiggled to get herself comfy
Then to her dismay, she could not get her bum free
And nobody knew she was there

The fifth to come in, it was old Mrs. Draper
She sat herself down, and then found there was no paper
She had to clean up with a plasterer's scraper
And nobody knew she was there

The sixth old lady was Emily Clancy;
She went there 'cause something tickled her fancy,
But when she got there it was ants in her pantsy
And nobody knew she was there

The seventh old lady was Elizabeth Bender;
She went there to repair a broken suspender.
(But how in the world she got a suspender)
It snapped up and ruined her feminine gender,
(Caught up in the site of the feminine gender)
And nobody knew she was there
( I 'aven't the slightest idea.)

The janitor came in the early morning.
He opened the door without any warning,
The seven old ladies their seats were adorning,
And nobody knew they were there.

alt:
(The __ old lady was Abigail Quimm
Who crossed her legs on a personal whim,
But her thigh got caught twixt the bowl and the rim
And nobody knew she was there.)

Nerf Herder
Nosering Girl

I... I met a girl
She was standing on the dance floor of the club
She was a very very pretty girl
So I went up and talked to her
And when you share your thoughts with someone you feel close to them

Nosering girl I love you
Nosering girl I want you I want you I want you

Yeah she had pretty hair and beautiful eyes
And a Dalmatian jacket (Dalmatian jacket)
And she was the kind of girl who you would give up eating meat for
No more salami
No more steak or potatoes
Yeah you would walk on down to the health food store
And buy hummus and tabouli and babaganoush and ricecakes ricecakes ricecakes

Nosering girl I love you
Nosering girl I want you I want you I want you

As it turns out, she was the cousin
Of the ex-girlfriend of my good friend Steve my very good friend Steve
But she didn't like me
She said I was a drunkard, an alcoholic, a weirdo, a freak (freak)

Nosering girl I love you
Nosering girl I want you I want you I want you

The Darkness have got some funny lyrics.

Friday Night
Hey you!
Do you remember me?
I used to sit next to you at school
We indulged in all the extra-curricular activities
We weren't particularly cool

Get Your Hands Off My Woman is easily their funniest song, but the lyrics are highly explicit so if you want to rad them, you'll have to find them yourself.

Caer Sylvanus wrote:And she was the kind of girl who you would give up eating meat for
No more salami
No more steak or potatoes
Yeah you would walk on down to the health food store
And buy hummus and tabouli and babaganoush and ricecakes ricecakes ricecakes

I've always loved that bit RICECAKES! RICECAKES! RICECAKES!

I'm amused by Tastes Like Chicken by the Vandals, but the lyrics elude me right now. Do not eat the chicken!

Wesley Willis was a schizophrenic, lyrical genius, and I usually light some incense and turn down the lights when listening to his ornate compositions. It is my honor to post one of his greater tapestries:


Kris Kringle Was a Car Thief
by Wesley Willis

Once upon a time, Kris Kringle stole a beat-up Maverick parked by my house
He used a screwdriver to jimmy the lock
After that, he then jumped into the stolen car and started up the motor
He drove away the stolen car in hot pursuit

Kris Kringle
Kris Kringle
Kris Kringle
Kris Kringle
Kris Kringle was a car thief

Kris Kringle sped down West Fullerton Avenue in hot pursuit looking for hookers
He was firewalling the throttle
When the Chicago police officers spotted the stolen Maverick as it zoomed past them, they turned on their siren
Then they went after the beat-up stolen Maverick

Kris Kringle
Kris Kringle
Kris Kringle
Kris Kringle
Kris Kringle was a car thief

The police pulled Kris Kringle over
Kris Kringle tried to escape from the police
He was arrested for auto theft
He was whisked away to jail

those of you who hate country music will love to hate this one, but it's funny....

How can I kiss the lips at night that chew my ass out all day long.......byVince Gill

I wont bother to put up the whole thing.

the Lou reid song Andy's chest

Artist : Big & Rich

Title : Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy

(intro)
DUM-DE-DE-DUM, DE-DE-DUM-DE-DE-DUM,
DE-DAA-DAAAAA
DUM-DE-DE-DUM, DE-DE-DUM-DE-DE-DUM,
DE-DAA-DAA-DAA-DAA-DAAAA!

Well, I walk into the room
Passing out hundred dollar bills
And it kills and it thrills like the horns on my Silverado grill
And I buy the bar a double round of crown
And everybody's getting down
An' this town ain't never gonna be the same.

(Chorus:)
Cause I saddle up my horse
and I ride into the city
I make a lot of noise
Cause the girls
They are so pretty
Riding up and down Broadway
on my old stud Leroy
And the girls say
Save a horse, ride a cowboy.
Everybody says
Save a horse, Ride a cowboy

Well I don't give a dang about nothing
I'm singing and Bling- Blanging
While the girls are drinking
Long necks down!
And I wouldn't trade ol' Leroy
or my Chevrolet for your Escalade
Or your freak parade
I'm the only John Wayne left in this town

And I saddle up my horse
and I ride into the city
I make a lot of noise
Cause the girls
They are so pretty
Riding up and down Broadway
on my old stud Leroy
And the girls say
Save a horse, ride a cowboy.
Everybody says
Save a horse, Ride a cowboy

(Spoken:)
I'm a thourough-bred
that's what she said
in the back of my truck bed
As I was gettin' buzzed on suds
Out on some back country road.
We where flying high
Fining, whine, having ourselves a big and rich time
And I was going, just about as far as she'd let me go.
But her evaluation
of my cowboy reputation
Had me begging for salvation
all night long
So I took her out giggin frogs
Introduced her to my old bird dog
And sang her every Wilie Nelson song I could think of

And we made love
And I saddled up my horse
and I ride into the city
I make a lot of noise
Cause the girls
They are so pretty
Riding up and down Broadway
on my old stud Leroy
And the girls say
Save a horse, ride a cowboy.
Everybody says
Save a horse, Ride a cowboy

What? What?
Save A Horse Ride A Cowboy
Everybody says
Save a Horse Ride a cowboy.

'Child Stars On Your Television', from 'Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star'

Favourite passage:

Leif Garret:
I was on TV with Michael Jackson
Now he's bigger I suppose
Well he may be a multi-zillionaire
But at least I still have my nose

All:
At least we're not crazy
We don't sleep with chimpanzees
We don't bleach our skin
Or dangle babies from balconies

I've got a dog
He's like a two ton frog
I call him Some Control
Yesterday I took him for a walkies in the parkies
A blind thunder thole
For quite a while he didn't take a fancy
To anyone passing by
Until a big fat cop
came into his sights
And he had to know tthe reason why.
Well, he took his little piece out of the gentleman's leg
And the gentleman looked so surprised.
Limping up to me
He whispered quietly
What are you playing at
"I'm exercising Some Control", I said,
"I"m exercising Some Control".
From Exercising Some Control (c) Roy Harper 1969.

No question...Bitchin' Camaro....

Rod - Hey Jack, what's happenin'?
Joe - Oh, I don't know.
Rod - Well, rumor around town says you think you might be heading down to the shore.
Joe - Uh, yeah, I think I'm goin' down to the shore.
Rod - Whatcha gonna do down there?
Joe - Uh, I don't know, play some video games, buy some Def Leppard t-shirts.
Rod - Hey, don't forget to get your Motley Crue t-shirt, y'know, all proceeds go to get their lead singer out of jail.
Joe - Uh huh.
Rod - Hey, you gonna check out the Sandbar while you're there?
Joe - Uh, what's the Sandbar?
Rod - Oh, it's this place that lets sixteen year-old kids drink.
Joe - Oh, cool.
Rod - Y'know who's gonna be there?
Joe - Uh, who?
Rod - My favorite cover band, Crystal Shit.
Joe - Oh.
Rod - Yeah, they do a Doors show, you'd be really impressed, in fact, it goes a little like this:

Love me two times baby
Love me twice today
Love me two times girl
Cause I got AIDS
Love me two times baby, once for tomorrow, once cause I got AIDS

Joe - Wow, Pretty good Jim Morrison impersonation there.
Rod - Yeah, I hope those guys have a good sense of humor and don't take us to court.
Joe - Uh, what's the court?
Rod - Never mind that,
Joe - Oh, you mean like the People's Court?
Rod - Well, that's another story; the important thing here is you gotta ask me how I'm gonna get down to the shore.
Joe - Uh, how you gonna get down to the shore?
Rod - Funny you should ask, I've got a car now.
Joe - Oh wow, how'd you get a car?
Rod - Oh my parents drove it up here from the Bahamas.
Joe - You're kidding!
Rod - I must be, the Bahamas are islands, okay, the important thing now, is that you ask me what kind of car I have.
Joe - Uh, what kinda car do ya' got?
Rod - I've got a BITCHIN CAMARO!

BITCHIN CAMARO, BITCHIN CAMARO
I ran over my neighbors
BITCHIN CAMARAO, BITCHIN CAMARO
Now it's in all the papers.
My folks bought me a BITCHIN CAMARO with no insurance to match;
So if you happen to run me down, please don't leave a scratch.
I ran over some old lady one night at the county fair;
And I didn't get arrested, because my dad's the mayor.
BITCHIN CAMARO, BITCHIN CAMARO
Doughnuts on your lawn
BITCHIN CAMARO, BITCHIN CAMARO
Tony Orlando and Dawn
When I drive past the kids, they all spit and cuss,
Because I've got a BITCHIN CAMARO and they have to ride the bus.
So you'd better get out of my way, when I run through your yard;
Because I've got a BITCHIN CAMARO;
And an Exxon credit card.
BITCHIN CAMARO, BITCHIN CAMARO
Hey, man where ya headed?
BITCHIN CAMARO, BITCHIN CAMARO
I drive on unleaded.

The Oriental
Very, very special
When you get some
You want another one, and another one.

I said, "I don't like sushi".
She said, "That suits me.
I take a shower
on every hour".