Kevin's Watch

Tonight, I was out celebrating Christmas with some friends. I drank too much. My friends all drank too much. My best friend's ex was there, and she drank too much too.

You can guess where the story goes from here, though we didn't (thank god) sleep together. My friend never wants to speak to me again, and the girl wants to start dating. I really like her, but I've been friends with this bloke for 14 years.

I don't know what I want from you fellow Watchers, but if anyone has any thoughts, I'll read them with gratitude. I will also accept judgement and recrimination.

Okay, this is what I think. First off, you guys were drunk. There is no denying what happened was wrong, but neither of you were in a position to make the correct judgement. You see when alcohol enters the brain . . . (deleted by essay-deletion program) . . . . so that's why. Your friend needs to understand, and you need to explain it carefully, that it was a mistake - a mistake borne of alcohol. Hell, what would he do in your position?
Second, he is a long time friend. Ending such a friendship is not easy. But nor is what happened easy to take. Maybe give it time and contact him, explain it then. Now would be a mistake. Further, maybe you should weigh up the long friendship against the girl - which matters the most to you?
Third, you like the girl and the girl likes you. She is his EX. EX. She isn't with him. She likes you. What is there for him to get angry about? I doubt she will go back to him. He needs to understand that - and time will provide that.

Thank you, Loremaster. You know I value your counsel.

I am here if you need a friend - someone to chat to.

I know, and I appreciate it

Son, give him time and space. Apologize sincerely when the opportunity presents itself. Forgive yourself. Move on.

How long has she been his ex?

Are you interested in a relationship with her?

If she's been his ex for less than one year, steer clear. It's too soon. Unless you don't care whether you continue a friendship with this guy or not.

If you aren't interested, there's no problem. Explain to the girl that she's lovely and delightful, but that you are just not up to a relationship at this time, but are extremely flattered that she is interested. Thanks but no thanks.

That's my suggestions from geriatric land....

In answer to your questions:

9 months

Yes

9 months is not too soon in my book.

Hey, Cov, you are a wonderful person, and so you are involved in a situation out of your control, sorta..... All that they said above is excellent advice, plus this.....listen to your heart. Give it some time. See how you feel about the girl and how she feels about you. Your friend, if he is a real friend, will SEE too. He will know that you were not intentionally hurting him, although it is going to hurt him to let her go if he still loves her.
Above all, listen to your heart. It will tell you the right thing to do.

Yes--Cate is right. Give it a little time. Listen to your heart. See what it says when the alcohol wears off. See how your friend feels when the alcohol wears off.

And don't nail yourself to a cross. These things happen. Generally things are sorted out within a short time if everyone really cares about each other.

Best wishes in your situation.

(Get some sleep--things look better after a good night's rest.)

Many years ago I had a similar situation (except no alcohol.) My best friends EX wanted to date - and I liked her. I talked to my friend. He asked if I'd go out with her if he wasn't involved. I told him "in a minute". He then said I should do it - she was his EX.

Fast forward several months. I broke up with her (she drove me CRAZY - airhead.) And she tried to cause trouble between me and my friend. He blew her off!!

Bottom line - after nine months of being EX, if he's a good friend he should NOT mind.

Bottom line - after 14 years of friendship he should show more flexibility.

Just my opinion - good luck and Merry Christmas!!

I checked the Guy's Handbook, here's what it has to say....

It's generally speaking a bad idea to get involved with someone who is/was involved with a friend or family member. However, if it is an EX, then it's pretty much fair game, especially if the other party shows interest.

If you and your bud have been friends for 14 years, and since it's been 9 months since they split, you need to have a calm, reasonable conversation with your friend. Explain to him how you feel and what your intentions are. He should be OK with this, after all you're his friend too, and he should want you to be happy as well, yes?

Of course, all that goes out the window if she dumped him and he's still carrying a torch.

I've been on both sides of this, and it was messy either way. The question you have to ask yourself is is the woman worth potentially losing a friend of 14 years?

And if it helps, I've got your back.

Edit-
Regardless, you're not the worst person ever. Back in the dark days of the 80s I had my share of cringe moments.

I'm a hopeless romantic ... so you can guess what my advice would be.

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the advice. In the cold light of Christmas Day, things are much the same as they were last night, but without the stumbling. I'll get through this one way or another, and thank you all for listening and sharing your thoughts. The Watch is a haven

Or you could just carry on a secret, torrid affair until the two of you get bored of eachother.

But hey, this guy's been your friend for 14 years. He has to owe you one or two. Unless you're the type that always owes the favor, and I don't think you are, then of course, you should steer clear.

The question is, how does a guy end up drinking with his ex? Only way I can see it is if it was an amicable break-up or if it was with a large group of friends. Either way, I think you're safe. Just tell the dude, "Sorry, man, I should've talked to you first. Beer and balls were doing my thinking. But I've thought it out now, and with your permission... If not, that's cool. Now punch me in the stomach and make it even. And first round's on me tonight."

These things happen, especially when mutual chemistry and alcohol mix, so don't beat yourself up over it. I've had some awfully similar similar close calls, believe me. What happened doesn't make you a bad person, it just means that you were drunk.

I'm with Cail - if he broke up with her, then your friend's being unreasonable by playing "dog in the manger". If it was the other way and he's still hung up...then it's a tricky one. But in either case, let the dust settle for a few days before you try and sort it out.

As for what happens next, well, if you can talk it out with him then you're sorted; if not, then you've got a hard choice to make. The only advice I can really offer is to be sure about what you want before you make it.

Stay well.

Good post Syl, I agree completely.

Thanks everyone. All advice duly noted