Kevin's Watch

Fellow Watchers...I was informed earlier this evening that my mother is ready to die. I want her to be happy but I am not ready to let her go. Should I encourage her to hang on in pain or let her go?

Let her go...It's incredibly difficult but I think it's the right thing. We went through a similar situation with my grandmother. She had cancer and died at home with her family around her. During her last hours we let her know that it was alright to stop fighting. We told her not to worry about us. We told her to go home to heaven. I think she listened. It was very sad for all of us but deep down I knew she was better off and no longer in pain.

Hang tough Lorelei. You are not alone.

<hug>

That's a tough situation to be in and it's really hard to form an answer (opinion?) without more detail.

I've been a nurse for many, many years, and all I could say right now is support your mother.

Bless you and big hugs!

onewyteduck.....Mom has congestive heart failure as well as cancer. Ther particular cancer she hs is IGG multiple myeloma. Is it very rare but always terminal. We as a family have supported her for three years. At this point her body has started to give out. As her daughter she looks towards me to give her permission to go. I as her daughter have not given her everthing she wanted (ie grandchildren). There is a certain amount of guilt that I could not provider her with her dream. But I have always made it clear to her that I would not have children without a very commited relationship.

BTW: My boyfriend of 1.25 years broke up today before I got the news from my family.....No guilt.....

I'm so sorry, Lorelei.

I think you should support whatever your mother wants. If you're sure she's looking toward you for permission to go, I think you should give it. I wish I knew what to say to make such a thing easier for you, but I don't. But I think it would make this easier for your mother. She's likely terrified often, seeing her own end coming. But at least you can take away her worries about how you'll handle it if you tell her that you'll be ok, and you want her to do what she wants to do.

<hug> from me too

My mother has two children and one of us is blessed and the other is the devil's child...I am that child. It is strange that she wants my blessing. I guess she has finally accepted me... but it is still very tough.

Lorelei you have the Lady Tamara's and my support. She's a nurse as well and her first reaction was to let her go. I agree, but let it all out bigtime with her first: some serious understandings and I Love Yous may occur. (who knows?)

Lorelei wrote:.....Mom has congestive heart failure as well as cancer. Ther particular cancer she hs is IGG multiple myeloma. Is it very rare but always terminal. We as a family have supported her for three years. At this point her body has started to give out. As her daughter she looks towards me to give her permission to go. I as her daughter have not given her everthing she wanted (ie grandchildren). There is a certain amount of guilt that I could not provider her with her dream. But I have always made it clear to her that I would not have children without a very commited relationship.

BTW: My boyfriend of 1.25 years broke up today before I got the news from my family.....No guilt.....

((((Lorelei)))) Its not an easy call sweetheart .. but at somepoint you have to let her go. Some part of you might not be ready to do that till long after she has gone. Take care and be strong .. but also give yourself permission not to be when you have to.

I lost my daughter a few years ago now .. and I only recently found peace in letting her go. I lost my father a few years later and then my grandmother .. I was least close to my father - but his loss was just as hard.

Love and cuddles and lots of support!

my father waited for me, i made it home in the middle of a snowstorm. boston shut down. i was on the last bus out. made it home to concord, nh. he had been out of it for a couple of days. i got there and stayed with him. at some point he came out of it. we talked. he asked for ginger ale. i said the things i needed to say. he told me he loved me for the last time and dayed later the next day.

you have my empathy/sympathy. my advice is be there for her. i told my dad it was ok to go, that i understood. you have my prayers.

Thank you all for your kind messages. I never realized how hard this would be. Things are day to day and that wears you down more than I ever would have thought.

Fist and Faith wrote:I think you should support whatever your mother wants. If you're sure she's looking toward you for permission to go, I think you should give it.

Aah Fist, as usual, you say it so well.

Nothing can really make it easier. But take consolation in the fact that you can at least make it as easy as possible for her.

My thoughts are with you.

--Avatar

Lorelai, this must be a difficult decision for you. I can't imagine how I would handle it. I would never want to let go, but it would be for the best to let her go - she will be at peace.

*hugs

If your mom is ready to go, Lorelei, then let her. Do not think you have failed her, and make sure she knows how you feel about her, as danlo said. It will make things easier for both of you, and hopefully lend you a small measure of peace.

My thoughts are with you, and I hope you find comfort and support in the words and wishes of your fellow Watchers.

Dear Lorelei:

I suspect that your mother is very proud of you, in many, many ways.

She may have had the dream, but she also had the reality of you, which, itself, is pretty darn good.

It sounds like she is weary and worn down and just wants the peace of rest, and she hates to leave you because she loves you and wants to know that you will be okay.

Let her know you will be fine, and that she will always be with you, in your heart.

Tell her it isn't good-by, just "until we meet again."

(((((Lorelei)))))

I've been there, too. It's a hard, sad, wrenching thing to go through.

Bless you, my dear.

Lorelei,

I do hope you feel even just, a little bit more at peace today.

Kiss your mother, tell her you love her and that it's alright to leave. Hold her hand, tell her a story, sing her a song. Tell her you'll see her again someday.

You'll be alright.

XOXOXOXO

I don't know if this will help or not....

An emotional, caring person will grow attached to the things that he/she cares about. It may be a house, a car, a favorite shirt, a beloved pet, a friend, or a family member. That person will want the relationship to continue on no matter what because something in that relationship makes the person feel good. We tend to put our own wants and needs ahead of what may be considered "the greater good" because we don't want to feel the loss of that relationship.

How many times have we heard horror stories about abused women going back to their husbands/boyfriends because they still love them? How many times have WE stayed in relationships that are going nowhere or are hurtful because we can't bear to be alone?

I've detailed the loss of my dog on another thread here, and I wouldn't dare compare the loss of a pet to that of a parent (but it's really the closest I can come to your plight thank God), but I wanted to hang on forever. I am slowly coming to realize that by letting him go I did the best thing I could for him. He had lost his will to live, his dignity, and his joy. I was willing to do whatever it took to keep him alive for purely selfish reasons. I couldn't stand to let him go, I was terrified at the prospect of my boy being gone, I couldn't imagine trying to explain what I had done to my daughter.

But the bottom line was that, for that decision, the choice really wasn't mine. He knew his time had come, he looked me in the eye when the vet came with the needles, and for the first time since he went into the hospital he smiled at me (you gotta understand dogs to understand the smile, trust me, they do it).

It sounds like your mother is at that point. You have the huge benefit of actually being able to talk to her about it, and I suggest that you do.

I do not envy your position, and I dread the day that I'll have to face it.

Cail wrote:You have the huge benefit of actually being able to talk to her about it, and I suggest that you do.

Probably the most important thing any of us could have said!

I spoke with her today. Her 68th birthday is tomorrow, God willing she will last through that day. My brother and I had a great conversation this evening and we are both ready and willing to support her in whatever decision she decides to make. Her body is tired, her spirit is strong but getting tired as well. We fully expect to celebrate Christmas next year without her physical presence. As with my grandmother, she will always be in my heart and my thoughts. Still this is the hardest damn thing I have ever been through.

Thank you so much for all your support.



PS: Cail it appears that we might be neighbors. I feel I might need a bit of a bender after she goes. I hope that you might be my designated driver on that evening.

I'd be honored. Let me know when.

Edit-Oh, and by "designated driver" I hope you mean "he who calls the cab". The haruchai aren't big on moderation.

Lorelei wrote:My mother has two children and one of us is blessed and the other is the devil's child...I am that child. It is strange that she wants my blessing. I guess she has finally accepted me... but it is still very tough.

But there's the old cliche, seen in movies and tv shows. I remember a daughter telling her mother that she wishes she (the daughter) was different, because she and her father always had such tension. And the mother said something like, "Your father loves your brother every bit as much as he loves you. But I swear he's never happier than when he's fighting with you. He looks forward to it."

And I'll back that up with my personal experience. My 6yo daughter, Lisa, is a demon. I don't mean she's a difficult child, she's an actual demon. Examples:
-These two are from before she could talk. We happened to be standing next to the garbage can one day, and she showed me a piece of scrap paper in her hand. I said, "Good girl. Thank you," took it, and threw it away. She started to cry in her usual way - in a rage - took it out of the garbage, and threw it away again. But that wasn't good enough. She took it out again, threw it on the floor, then picked it up and threw it away. A few weeks later, she spilled some cereal onto the table. Her mother wiped it up. Lisa again started crying. She grabbed some cereal from the bowl, and squeezed the milk out of it onto the table, so that she could wipe it up herself. I swear her first words were I DO IT MYSELF!!!!!
-A few weeks ago, she asked for more chocolate milk. I said sure, and told her to bring me her cup.
"You come get it."
"No, you bring it to me."
"Daddy, you always tell me to bring it to you."
"That's because you're the one who wants it. I don't want it, so I don't have to walk for it. If you want something, you usually have to put some effort into getting it."
"You're just saying that because you don't want to get up and get my cup."

My point is, we never know what she's going to want or say, but we can be sure it's not what we want. And the reason I don't throttle the brat (aside from the fact that I'm usually fighting desperately to keep from laughing) is because the very attitude that drives me up the freakin' wall is what I love most about her. I love love love her spirit, independence, and will. I'm so proud of her for standing up for herself all the time. (Especially against my mother-in-law, which is truly beautiful to watch. ) And, although I'm sure parents are never free from worry about their kids, I don't think I'll be worrying much about people taking advantage of her. I think she'll tell anyone who tries to push her around where to get off.

So maybe your mother hasn't "finally accepted" you - maybe she's loved every moment of hell you put her through. I would not change a single thing about Lisa.

Cail wrote:Edit-Oh, and by "designated driver" I hope you mean "he who calls the cab". The haruchai aren't big on moderation.

Damned straight!!