Kevin's Watch

Some of these are just sooooooo true

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!!

ALL ARE WELCOME! OPEN TO MEN ONLY! Note: due to the complexity and
level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a
maximum of eight participants each.

Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays.
Step by step with slide presentation.
Topic 2. Lavatory paper rolls: do they grow on the holders?
Round-table discussion.
Topic 3: Differences between the laundry basket and the floor.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.
Topic 4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and
fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.
Topic 5. Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant
other.
Helpline and support groups.
Topic 6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the
right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open forum.
Topic 7. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your
health.
Graphics and audio tape.
Topic 8. Real men ask for directions when lost.
Real-life testimonials.
Topic 9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel
parks?
Driving simulation.
Topic 10. Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife.
Online class and role-playing.
Topic 11. How to be the ideal shopping companion.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
Topic 12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries,
other important dates and calling when you're going to be late.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

CLASSES FOR WOMEN...

Women think they already know everything, but wait... training courses
are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The
Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet
too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without
Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking (hahahahahahaha)
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women
notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

Actually, I think my older son, the high school wrestler, could use the women's class about not inflicting your diet on others!!!

The Top 15 Things Men Don't Know About Women's Restrooms

15. Actually, more wall boogers.

14. Nearly impossible to see the genitalia of the woman peeing next to you.

13. *Their* hand dryers run for exactly the right amount of time.

12. Special mist agent in ventilation reinforces immunity to fart jokes and keeps them believing that things like scrapbooks, fashion magazines and foreplay are great ideas.

11. Those built in electronic appliances only *look* like hair dryers.

10. They have closed circuit TV and live action commentary from the camera poised over the urinals in the men's room.

9. Domestic beers and rail drinks are 2-for-1, all the time.

8. Women receive bonus miles with each purchase from the tampon dispenser.

7. Hot and cold running boy toys -- why do you *think* we take so long?

6. Spontaneous lesbian orgies break out only about half as much as guys tend to think.

5. The towel boys attired as gladiators, not Egyptian slave boys.

4. They have sculpted Italian marble commodes, 24-karat gold fixtures and ultra-premium, ultra-soft toilet paper. Either that or less urine on the floor.

3. Women's restrooms remain virtually odor free because any unpleasant odors are piped directly into the men's room next door.

2. We get naked, wrestle playfully in the mud bath, play keep-away with the soap in the shower, towel-dry each other, reapply makeup and discuss the size of your penis. Getting back into our damned pantyhose is what takes so long, though.

and the Number 1 Thing Men Don't Know About Women's Restrooms...

1. Restrooms?!? Men don't know anything about WOMEN!!

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The Top 14 Things Women Don't Know About Men's Restrooms

14. Yeah, well, we're havin' lesbian sex in *here*, too!

13. Over every urinal: "What Would Dennis Rodman Do?"

12. Actually, the entry door leads directly into the alley behind the building.

11. Graffiti often written in iambic pentameter.

10. Swordfight!

9. If you saw how we use the hot-air hand driers you'd understand why you consistently fail to satisfy us in bed.

8. Men never sit. One wall has "urinals", the other has "fecenals."

7. Rearranging "your stuff" can take longer than powdering a nose.

6. Tampons are only half the price of those in the women's restroom.

5. The ammonia from the urine on the floor is the only way we keep the restrooms clean.

4. There is a perfectly reasonable explanation to why we don't wash afterward: We pee in the sinks, too.

3. Tibetan weavers harvest the room for little curly hairs to sell to Nieman Marcus as "pashmina."

2. We make fun of your shoes.

and the Number 1 Thing Women Don't Know About Men's Restrooms...

1. 20% less masturbation than women would guess.

heh heh. y'know, i've had to do a lot of janitorial work over the years, and as a rule, I'd rather clean the men's bathroom than the women's (public restrooms. private is the reverse). for the guys' bathroom you need a mop and some paper towels to wipe off the urinals. never have i needed rubber gloves.

womens' bathrooms, however... toilet paper everywhere. toilets leaking because women "kick flush." kick flush is better than no flush, though, as I found one night cleaning the bar when I thought the women's toilet was clogged. nope, just a giant wad of TP and nobody wanted to flush. tampons. they *do not* flush all the time. some are incredibly buoyant. some must be so buoyant they bounce out of the water and onto the floor, missing the intended receptacle by mere inches.

I hate using public bathrooms. I'm sure that the men's ones have just about HAVE to be cleaner than the womens. So many women won't sit on the darned seat to tinkle and squat over it instead and pee is everywhere. (where's a good puking emoticon when you need one???)
I can understand the fear and loathing of germs, but come one man, don't they realize that splattering pee all over the place is probably an even better way of spreading disease (not to mention spreading disgust) than just sitting on the darned seat???

"spreading disgust." i like that. i think i'm going to steal it.

20% less masturbation than women would guess.

Public bathrooms are gross. NOTE TO ALL PUBLIC BATHROOM USERS: Please! For the love of God! 1) FLUSH! and 2) AIM!

Travel tip:

If you are on the road, use the restrooms in hotels rather than gas stations or restaurants. Hotel lobby restrooms are always cleaner than gas stations. Just walk in like you are staying there.

Ways to annoy your Public Bathroom Stallmate

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,"May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Damn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

11. Say," Interesting ... more sinkers than floaters"

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,"Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your buttcheeks."

17. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your "Cross-Dressors Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"

Interesting tangent I actually would rather suffer than use a public loo for anything I couldn't do standing up. Didn't the dutch design something for women to stand instead of sit?

This website sheds a bit of light on these serious issues.
www.icbe.org

Hm... It makes sense.