Kevin's Watch

I had a creative writing assignment where I had to use the following words: nostalgia, paradox, vast, maddening, propaganda, jingoistic, & mortality. I decided to start a TC fan fic, tell me what you think, it is a different approach to the Chrons, it kinda combines, the first and second trilogies and add things that aren't really there. If you enjoy it I will write more.


Linden carefully studied the Unbeliever, he was a paradox, he had vowed never to kill again, yet so many had died because of his oath, he could have saved so many if he had only used the power of his ring. In the vastness of the Land, Linden believed that none could parallel his might, the wild magic he possessed, that would “doom or free the Land” could not be undone. But he was not immortal, she knew that Covenant was essentially weak, and she could see his mortality, she could feel it with her Land-given sight, like she could feel the poison in his blood, it was maddening, even evil, it was the quintessence of his disease. The poison made him nostalgic, which was dangerous, because then he would remember when he was healthy and that would be more than enough to ignite his vile disposition. His outrage at his illness radiated like the chauvinistic fanaticism of a jingoistic redneck who had just discovered that his only child was the author of a bestselling book filled with anti-American propaganda. “Doom or free the land”, what did that mean? Why did everything have to be so contradictory? It was a bit cynical really, that the Land's only hope was a rapist and a leper, a man who could not even save himself.

Copyright © 2005 Danilo Quddus Stern-Sapad.
This article may not be reproduced in any form.


I want feedback ! (I know the grammer isn't good, it's a first draft, took me less than 10 minutes)[/b]

His outrage at his illness radiated like the chauvinistic fanaticism of a jingoistic redneck who had just discovered that his only child was the author of a bestselling book filled with anti-American propaganda.

Wow, what a simile! It's worth reading just for that.

It's "save or doom the land" isn't it? I'll fix it... Haha, that is funny that you like that particular line Nathan, I thought it was terrible. Anyway, whoever voted "No", could you at least tell me why you like it? I find criticism more helpful than praise when it comes to writing, I personally could go off about any author, even the perfect ones.

Ariadoss wrote:It's "save or doom the land" isn't it?

It's "save or damn"

About that line... While I applaud the convoluted inventiveness, it strikes me as a little too long and intricate to work well. For want of a better way of putting it, that line interrupts the flow and adds a slightly disjointed aspect that reminds me I'm reading something. Prose isn't so different from poetry in some ways; both styles are all about rhythm and atmosphere as much as they're about content. If you were to cut it off at "His outrage at his illness radiated like the chauvinistic fanaticism of a jingoistic redneck" the rhythm would fit better.

On the other hand, I'm just a bloke with an opinion On the whole, I think you did quite well, particularly allowing for the fact that you had to include specific words (have you considered entering Dragonlily's sentence game?). I hope you do like criticism after that

Personally, I like this line:

it was maddening, even evil, it was the quintessence of his disease

"Save or damn", wow I got to re-read those books already, and it has only been five months since I read the first Chrons!
Yeah I didn't like that particular line but apparently Nathan did.
I didn't even know there was a sentence game, I'll try it, could you direct me to the topic?

All the word games are in the forum called "In Pursuit of Mallory" - but Loremaster's sentence game went a bit off track, so Dragonlily set up a specific site to continue it: thesentencegame.proboards38.com/index.cgi

I like it!

Do you guys mind commenting on the first chapter of my new science fiction novellla?

www.ariadoss.com/ariadoss/

Ariadoss wrote:Linden carefully studied the Unbeliever, he was a paradox, he had vowed never to kill again, yet so many had died because of his oath, he could have saved so many if he had only used the power of his ring.

You need to work on your run-on sentences.

The poison made him nostalgic

It did?!?!

would be more than enough to ignite his vile disposition

Linden would never characterize Covenant's disposition as "vile". Even before she came to know him, she understood that people reacted from a well of victimization.

Unfortunately I don't have the time right now to look at the whole piece, but about the sentence Wayfriend mentioned - some punctuation changes would do a lot to improve the flow.

Ariadoss wrote:Linden carefully studied the Unbeliever. He was a paradox; he had vowed never to kill again, yet so many had died because of his oath. He could have saved so many if he had only used the power of his ring.

Murrin wrote: He was a paradox; he had vowed never to kill again, yet so many had died because of his oath.

He was a paradox: he had vowed never to kill ...

Uses of the Colon
To separate an explanation, rule, or example from a preceding independent clause.

• Music is more than a mechanical arrangement of sounds: it is an expression of deep feeling and ethical values.

» leo.stcloudstate.edu/punct/col-semi.html

Punctuational pedantry? Tch. In some cases, a colon and a semi-colon can both work adequately, and I think this is one such case.

I considered the colon, but didn't like the effect. I felt the sentence needed a softer pause to keep the flow. It's the full-stops I wasn't sure about, heh.

CovenantJr wrote:Punctuational pedantry? Tch.

I thought this was a topic about suggestions to improve this writing, so I posted one.

Regardless of which one works, an author needs to have rules, even if they are his own, and stick to them consistently. As opposed to randomly using punctuation. Using punctuation in a standard and accepted manner is as good a plan as any, until you have a better one.

Murrin wrote:I felt the sentence needed a softer pause

Colon and semicolon, like period and comma, have semantic connotations as well as tempo ones. As a rule of thumb, I use semicolon if replacing it with "and" keeps the sense, and a colon if replacing it with "for example" or "such as" keeps the sense.

BTW, you seem to need to figure out what constitutes a paragraph. That's a big growth step for writing fiction, IMO. SRD (the other one) calls it an emotional unit, for example. I think opinions vary widely. Again, it doesn't matter, so long as you remain consistent.

Yeah my grammar has never been that good thanks for the comments. Grammar is actually my LEAST favorite part of the English language, lol. I figure if people understand what you are trying to get across it's fine. I will look over my grammar though, good thing I have a stylebook or whatever they’re called.
I would probably go will probably use the colon instead. I did mention earlier “it is a different approach to the Chrons”, meaning I don’t want to follow everything that’s in the book, just take aspects of those characters.

Also, I have no idea what constitutes as a paragraph; I try to go with a stream of though or a specific explanation of something. Some of the authors I have read write paragraphs that lag on for pages, I mean they have sentences as long as 300 hundred words in some cases. All my teachers In school have different explanations of paragraphs as well. I’m still new at this, I’m struggling to find a style that I am comfortable with, and I think fan fiction is a good way to try and attempt to emulate styles that work for other authors.

If you noticed my post above, it might be better to analyze the grammar In my sci-fi, since I did spend more time writing it. Also, that first chapter is more representative of my style or voice. Again thanks for the input! I really appreciate it cause most people just say they like it or something along those lines.

Wayfriend is right. The semicolon, does not have the "e.g. effect" that a colon does. The semicolon is simply used, when you need a break longer than a comma and shorter than a full stop. More often it replaces a full stop to improve flow of a sentence.

Ariadoss: I like your piece, but the sentence Nathan likes (I like it too) is a classical example of "out of style". You would expect such a sentence (a satirical simile, I love those) in a present day comedy, not in serious fantasy.