Kevin's Watch

"You have reached the residence of Alex Duncan. I'm not available to take your call. Please leave your name and number, and I will contact you as soon as possible. Thanks." Only silence followed the recorded message. For the thousandth time, Duncan considered changing it, and for the thousandth time decided there was no need.

Standing at the window, the street outside managed to look simultaneously empty yet warm and inviting. Streetlights washed out the sidewalks, making the neighbor's newly trimmed lawn look almost blue. Years ago, a blue lawn would not have been uncommon. With the big problems of the world solved, people had time to devote themselves to fancies. Genetically modified horticulture lasted as long as most.

Now everyone had tidy, classic front yards. If you didn't have to take care of something yourself, eventually it looked like everything else. Personalization gave way to standards. Individuality took second place to
consideration.

Duncan's lawn had not been cut in weeks. His house was the only one on the street still entirely dark. Not even the television flickered to signal to the outside world that someone was taking part in the world, even if vicariously. Of the dozens of houses lining the street, only Duncan's appeared to be uninhabited.

He used to take pride in maintaining his attractive, if standard, residence. Even after visitors had stopped coming by, he would still come home after work, a job he kept for staying occupied rather than any archaic sense of income, and mow the lawn, sweep the porch and walkway, and hang up or take down whatever holiday decorations the calendar dictated.

Now he couldn't remember when he decided he no longer wanted to go to work. Weeds choked the front yard and were starting to come up between the cracks in the pavement. This could have been prevented easily, automatically. A barely vocalized word could have summoned a team of servants to set it right, even if they had to work through the night.
Duncan didn't employ the servants because they had no appreciation for the finer details. They didn't care if they mowed dandelions or daisies, crabgrass or butterfly weed. Duncan would rather leave it chaotic
than orderly and lifeless.

A passerby, if there was one, might have thought the person living inside no longer cared. The problem was not that Duncan no longer cared about the things he once did. His attachment to daily routine was superficial, grounded mostly in spite. The problem was that he was quickly becoming incapable of doing nothing.

"'As all must be,' I said within my heart, 'Whether they work together or apart.'"

Not knowing if he had the quote correct, he made the announcement that would close the shades and light the way to his study. The books and the bookcase were almost the only things in the room free of dust. Quickly finding the volume he was looking for, Duncan verified that he had remembered the words the way he read them years ago.

His eyes had already traveled halfway down the page and refused to halt once he passed the line he wanted. As if they had wandered too long through parched lands, they soon began to brim over with tears.

"New greeting," he informed the servant. A pause later he began, "Hi, this is Al. I've been waiting for you to call and would love to hear from you. I'm not screening my calls; I'm just not here. But if you come around, I will, too. See y'later."

"Greeting recorded, sir," the servant said.

"Ok. Set house to vacation mode," and a moment later added, "Internal only."

"Understood, sir. Duration?"

"Indefinite," Al said.

________________________________-

Sorry about the paragraph spacing. Couldn't remember exactly how it was when I wrote it. And it obviously needs some editing and touch-up. I just wanted to present it how I submitted it. And if the references are too obscure, this should help.

I like it, a lot. My favourite excerpts:

Sylvanus wrote:Years ago, a blue lawn would not have been uncommon. With the big problems of the world solved, people had time to devote themselves to fancies. Genetically modified horticulture lasted as long as most.

Sylvanus wrote:Personalization gave way to standards. Individuality took second place to
consideration.

Sylvanus wrote:...and hang up or take down whatever holiday decorations the calendar dictated.

Sylvanus wrote:As if they had wandered too long through parched lands, they soon began to brim over with tears.

You painted a very clear picture of Alex Duncan's world in a short space, and the atmosphere is evocative. The end section, from the new message onwards, is also one of my favourites.

Was this what the Anthology rejected? Their loss, entirely!

My philosophy is that great stories, movies, art, whatever are all like music. They have a rhythm, movements, a coda, etc. In that context, I felt your story had an organic flow. It didn't lose it's "tune" or grow flat. It was very focused. Not sure if I'm articulating my impression of it well enough, but there you have it.

I especially loved the ending; thought it was a zinger--a nice little one-two punch that tied everything up. The main thing was that it was an enjoyable read, and I only wish it had been longer!

I enjoyed it very much even if I didn't entirely understand the ending. I wish it had been longer, that's the only problem with short stories, I'm never happy with what I've been given, always greedy for more.

Aw, thanks, guys. I'm glad you liked it. I was mainly trying to evoke a feeling, especially with the ending... I was trying for a LoTR, elves going to the West kind of thing without being obvious about it. But looking at the titles of the rest of the anthology, I think it might have been the sci-fi aspect that kept it from getting selected. *shrug*

And if you wanted more, don't worry (though I wouldn't recommend holding your breath). After writing it out again, I realized some major themes that I wanted to expand upon.

Heh, you forgot one reference: kevinswatch.ihugny.com/phpBB2/profile.p ... file&u=482

I wonder if everybody would "get" this, but I certainly do. Then again, I'm the guy who has left the "stock" answering machine message on for decades now.....

My humble opinion, for what it's worth:

The writing itself: brilliant, I might even say flawless. Evocative, sympathetic, flowing and economical without being terse.

But I have to say the ending spoiled it for me. I can see what atmosphere you were going for, but I honestly don't think it works for a 'short-short' story. There's simply not enough emotional history on the part of the reader to get the type of impact you're aiming for, and 'short-shorts' are simply the wrong vehicle for subtlety.

On the other hand, I'm incredibly chuffed (erm, colloquialism, read: 'pleased') that you want to explore the themes further. As an introduction to a longer short story, a novellette or even a novel: if the rest of it were of this same standard, I'd say, 'Dude, quit your day job'.

Nice one, Syl. I really liked that.
You have a very interesting writing style. Keeps one engaged. I'm glad you posted it.

Heh, thanks, Edge; both for the praise and the constructive criticism. I admit the ending is a bit weak. Unfortunately, I'd written myself into a corner and the deadline was coming up fast. I still don't see a way to change it... put everything out there I wanted. I guess it will just have to wait for the rewrite.

dAN, are you saying I should've included the disclaimer "All characters are a work of fiction, and should not be confused with any KW members, dead or living."?

LOL! You can't prove I'm dead or living, can you?

Ok, then... "dead, living, or any state in-between."

Uh, I agree with Edge? Especially the "economic without being terse" comment. Sometimes, things are just too overloaded with descriptives.

Seriously though, I really liked it, (and always liked Frost too, (:lol:, I just realised that that's something of a coincidental joke ) but agree that it needs to be longer.

Not even necessarily much longer, but there are certainly bits that I think would be great if they were expanded on somewhat.

Look forward to an expanded version.

--Avatar

Pretty cool style, Syl! You write clearly and economically, which I love.

I agree with others on this particular story, though -- it needs some fleshing out. You said you're not sure how to make it longer, so I thought I'd offer you the questions that came up for me as I read -- answering these for your reader will automatically make the story longer. I apologize in advance for any questions that make you go, "Jeez, that's so obvious! If you'd just *paid attention*, you'd have *gotten* it." (Even SRD says he needs an editor to tell him when to elaborate on stuff that seems perfectly well explained to him....) Anyway, my questions:

Whose message does Duncan want to hear?

I understand that Duncan suffered some loss that put him into a tailspin (depression??), prompting him to quit his job and stop taking care of his house -- but now that he's coming out of the tailspin, why is he going on vacation instead of going back to work?

Where's he going? What's the significance of his destination? Or maybe I read it wrong and he just wants to make it look like he's on vacation? What does "internal only" mean?

Anyhow, hope this helps....

Hmmm. I really didn't mean it to be that obscure. Economical, yes, even minimalist. Let me lay down what's going on in the story, and you guys tell me if that's even remotely observable to anybody but myself.

This is a society that's eliminated scarcity (in economical terms). Automated machines (the servants), most likely nano, are available to everyone. They can replicate, build, or maintain anything. There is no monetary need to work.

Here's where it goes a little out there. If everything is peaceful, easy, what do people do once they get bored? Assume the technology is sufficiently advanced that crimes against other people, possibly even yourself, are not just illegal but impossible. You set up your house just the way you want it (barring restrictions on size, which is probably determined by the amount of living space available to each person, etc). Fill it with all the things you ever wanted.

All that's really left is to get involved with society. Climb social ladders, network, all that. But assume since everyone is on equal footing as far as the material goes. What happens when you wear out all you can do.

My idea was just that people go away. They leave the lights on (way beyond automatic timers here), turn on the answering machine, and just... step out. To space, to cyberspace... where ever. Eventually everyone just fades away.

Except for Alex Duncan. He persists. Even when he can no longer persist alone, he still persists. This is his depression. He's losing the battle, and doesn't even know how to do that.

The solution for Duncan is in the poem "A Tuft of Flowers" by Robert Frost. At first he uses it to justify his being alone (much like people often quote "Good fences make good neighbors" as they miss the point "Mending Wall" entirely). But if you keep reading, the right answer is "men work together... whether they work together or apart." We're all connected, even if it is only in the small ways. This gives Duncan the impetus to go away, and by doing so, to be with others again.

The message is for anyone who might call him, someone who would be in the same straits that he had been (the difference in the reason for leaving the message demonstrated by the different message... though the chance of anyone calling still remains right around zero). And when he says "internal only" it's just for reasons of sentimentality. He still doesn't want an uncaring machine ruining his lawn by perfecting it.

Edge wrote:
But I have to say the ending spoiled it for me. I can see what atmosphere you were going for, but I honestly don't think it works for a 'short-short' story. There's simply not enough emotional history on the part of the reader to get the type of impact you're aiming for, and 'short-shorts' are simply the wrong vehicle for subtlety.

On the other hand, I'm incredibly chuffed (erm, colloquialism, read: 'pleased')

Chuffed! I am absolutely going to use that word at work tomorrow! I'll throw the guys for a loop


I read the story a few times and the ending seems to fit. I agree that subtlety doesn't always work in a short-short, but I didn't think this ending was too subtle. It seems like the guy doesn't want to conform to the technology that governs his world. He's trying to maintain some humanity. Perhaps he might convince someone (anyone willing to call) to do the same.

Ooops, didn't read Syl's response before posting

No, no, that's fine. If you notice in my last post I put in a lot of maybes, possiblys, etc. I want room for interpretation. The things that I wanted concrete were written in the story. Alternate extrapolations are fine. What I worry about is people not being able to extrapolate anything from the muck.

This is by far the shortest short I've ever written, but it's consistent with how I write. My stuff is intentionally surreal and cloudy around the edges.

I liked the piece, and didn't feel any need for further elaboration on what was there. I felt that you created a certain atmosphere with your writing, and that was enough to convey meaning, without going into large amounts of detail.

Well, it's always possible that I'm a thick-headed idiot.

Murrin wrote:I liked the piece, and didn't feel any need for further elaboration on what was there. I felt that you created a certain atmosphere with your writing, and that was enough to convey meaning, without going into large amounts of detail.

I agree. I often find things that are implied are more powerful than those that are spelled out. Though I can see this piece could be expanded, I feel it also stands perfectly well alone.