Kevin's Watch

I have always thought that humor is one of the greatest gifts in life.

I will begin with one a friend (a church organist) sent to me in an email the other day:

The Worm In The Jar

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add
emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported the
following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you
learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand
and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,
you won't have worms!"

Don't you just love little old ladies????

That was funny.
But.....other than the location, was it even religious?

For reasons unexplained in this joke, Keith Richards finally dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates he's met by St Peter, who takes him to Heaven's Bar, where Heaven's Bar Band is playing.

It's a pretty good band - Hendrix on lead, Keith Moon on drums, Janis on vocals - so Keef grabs a guitar and starts playing rythym. As he does, he looks over and sees Bono dancing in the corner. He leans over to Jimi and says, "Hey Man, Bono ain't dead yet!"

Jimi looks back at Keith and says, "Hey, be cool. That's Jesus - he just likes to pretend he's Bono!"

Excellent, both of them!

Four nuns have just passed on and are awaiting their entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven.
St. Peter (Who is unfortunate enough to be in every "entering heaven" joke, poor guy) meets them at the Pearly Gates.

"Ahh..Sisters," he says, "You have lived a life of God. In order to pass through the gates, you must cleanse yourselves. Any part of you that has touched a man must be washed in this Blessed Holy Water."

The first nun steps up to the water and washes her hands.

"You may pass! Welcome to eternal life!" St. Peter motions her through the gate.

The second nun also steps up and washes her hands, and is let through the gates.

As the third nun prepares to cleanse herself, the fourth suddenly rushes past her, exclaiming, "I'm going next! If you think I am going to gargle that water after she sticks her ass in it, you're crazy!"

A rabbi and an older man are sitting down having lunch. The rabbi says to the man, "So, how's your boy doing?"

The man says, "Oh, very good. He just started seminary last month."

"Ah, I see. And then?"

"Well, when he's done with that, he'll be a priest."

"Good, good. And then?"

"Well, it's possible that someday he could be a cardinal."

"Ah, and then?"

"I don't know. Maybe he'll eventually become the pope?"

"Oh. And then?"

"What do you expect, rabbi, for him to become God?"

"Well why not," says the rabbi, "one of our boys did."

Good one, Syl!


What did the Buddhist say to the hotdog-vendor?

Spoiler

'Make me one with everything.'

But when the Buddhist asked for his change, the vendor said, "But true change comes from within."

A nun walks into a liquor store and asks for a fifth of scotch. The clerk naturally asks why she wants it. The nun tells him that it's for the Mother Superior's constipation, so the clerk goes ahead and sells it to her.

A few hours go by and the clerk closes up the store. He leaves, only to find the nun sprawled out on the sidewalk, absolutely plastered. He goes "Sister, you should be ashamed of yourself! You told me that was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

The nun says "You're right. When she sees me, she's going to shit!"

A couple recycled from other threads.
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Tere's a man who always had his teeth worked on without novocaine. He wanted to transcend dental medication.

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The convent is being entirely redocerated. New paint, rugs, the works. Two nuns are assigned to paint the big dining hall. The Mother Superior warns them though: "I don't want to see any paint on your habits! Not a speck! So you'd better be careful!"

So the two nuns are trying to figure out how to avoid getting any paint on their habits. Finally they figure they'll lock the doors, and paint in the nude. They can just throw their clothes on quickly if anyone needs to get in. Seems like a good plan.

After a bit, there's a knock. The nuns are a little worried as they ask, "Who is it?"

"Blind man."

They think for a minute, and figure, where's the harm in a blind man being in the room when they're naked. So they don't bother dressing, open the door for the man, re-lock it, and begin painting again. And the man says, "Nice boobs. Where do you want these blinds?"

A guy's on a long trip across the country. He starts to feel hungry, so he looks for some place to eat. On the side of the road, there's a sign that reads, "Monastery Fish and Chips. Five miles." He decides that sounds good, so pulls off at the exit five miles down. Right off the exit he sees a small monastery. Thinking this must be the place, he goes and knocks on the door. A monk, brown robe and all, opens the door. The man says he came for the fish and chips. He gestures for the man to follow him and sits him down at a small, wooden table. Another monk comes out, takes his order, and a while later he's eating his fish and chips. Turns out the fish and chips are really good, so he decides he wants to thank the chef. He asks the waiter if he'll send him out. A few minutes later, another monk comes out of the kitchen.

"Are you the fish friar?" the man asks.

"No," the monk says. "I'm the chip monk."

Two nuns were driving through Trannelvania (?). When out of nowhere a vampire leaps on the windsheild of the car.

"Turn the wipers on!" screamed sister Catherine

-so Sister Margaret turned on the wipers, but the vampire just stayed there.

"Turn the washer fluid on, it's filled with Holy Water" Yelled sister Catherine
-
So sisrer Margaret turned on the washer fluid, it burned the vampire, but he still clung on the windsheild, growling at the two nun.

"What do I do now?"asked sister Margaret

"Show him Your Cross!!" Yelled sister Catherine

-So sister Margaret jumped out of the car...rolled up her sleeves and yelled
"Get off the Friggin' car, before I really get upset!!"

The Pope lands at LaGuardia (?Sp) airport in NYC. He has twenty minutes to make it to Madison Square Garden for a huge Catholic Mass being held there. He runs to his waiting limo and says:

"Driver, I'll pay you 20 dollars if you can get me to Madison Square Garden in 20 minutes." The driver looks at him and says, "It can't be done."

So the Pope says, "Driver, I'll give you 50 dollars if you can get me to Madison Square Garden in 20 minutes." The driver looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, you're the Pope and everything, but I can't get you there in 20 minutes, no way."

The Pope says, "Driver, I'll give you 100 dollars to hop in the back and let me drive. I can get us there on time."

The limo driver feels he's got nothing to lose, so he moves into the back seat and lets the Pope drive. They are zipping through the streets of NYC and one of New York's finest clocks them at 80mph. He pulls out, lights flashing, sirens screaming, and catches up to them. He pulls them over and radios the stop into dispatch. The cop then proceeds to walk up to the limo.

He takes one look in the limo and stops dead. He walks back to his patrol car and radios back to dispatch. "Get me the chief on the horn now."

The chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him, "Chief. I just screwed up royally. I pulled over someone really big."

The Chief says, "Don't tell me you pulled over the mayor."

"No, bigger."

"Oh my God, you pulled over the Governor."

"Nope, even bigger."

"OH MY GOD, you pulled over the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES???!!!!"

"No, bigger than that."

So the chief says, "OK, wiseass, who is bigger that the President of the United States?"

The cop replies, "I don't know, but the Pope is his chauffer......"



(Sorry if this is corny, I am a sucker for Pope jokes.)

Here are two that show up thoughts I like about god, religion, etc. I'm sure I've posted at least one here somewhere before, but I'll post it again anyway.

A pious, but miserly, old woman died, and subsequently arrived at the hallowed gates. She was met by an angel, who was to guide her to her heavenly abode.

First, they passed through huge, beautifully appointed suburbs, filled with mansions, and the woman asked if her new home would be here. The angel shook it's head, and carried on walking.

They trekked down tree-lined avenues, passing homes on either side, and the women noticed that the homes became meaner and meaner as they went.

Finally, they walked down a muddy track, and arrived at a rude lean-to, constructed of a few splintery old boards, over a moth-eaten blanket.

The woman exclaimed, "I can't live here! I've been a good and pious christian all my life, how can you put me here?"

The angel replied, "I'm sorry. It was all we could manage with the materials you sent up."

Upon dying, a man was met at the pearly gates by St Peter, and offered the customary tour.

He wandered past groups of people, all talking, laughing, and generally having a good time. Then suddenly, he noticed a huge wall, which seemed to cordon off an entire section of heaven, and from behind whihc, much merrymaking could be heard.

Curious, he asked St. Peter what the wall was for, and who was behind it. "Ssshhh", enjoined the saint. "It's the christians. They think they're the only ones here."

--Avatar

Upon dying, a man was met at the pearly gates by St Peter, and offered the customary tour.

He wandered past groups of people, all talking, laughing, and generally having a good time. Then suddenly, he noticed a huge wall, which seemed to cordon off an entire section of heaven, and from behind whihc, much merrymaking could be heard.

Curious, he asked St. Peter what the wall was for, and who was behind it. "Ssshhh", enjoined the saint. "It's the christians. They think they're the only ones here."

Avatar- I love that joke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Curious, he asked St. Peter what the wall was for, and who was behind it. "Ssshhh", enjoined the saint. "It's the christians. They think they're the only ones here."

Did you hear they're doing a re-make of The Exorcist?

This time a family hires the Devil to get a priest out of their son.

A young newlywed Mormon (or Adventist, or Lutheran, or...) couple went in to see their Bishop about a problem they were having; "Bishop," they said, "We've been struggling with quite a problem: Is it okay to have sex on the Sabbath?"

The Bishop thought about this for a long time, he read the Bible, he prayed for guidance.

He went to a group of Elders and told them of the couples problem, and together they thought about it, read the Bible, and prayed for guidance.

Finally, the Bishop came back to the young couple with an answer:

"It's okay to have sex on the Sabbath, " he said, "But not standing up - That could lead to dancing!"

Plissken wrote:A young newlywed Mormon (or Adventist, or Lutheran, or...) couple went in to see their Bishop about a problem they were having; "Bishop," they said, "We've been struggling with quite a problem: Is it okay to have sex on the Sabbath?"

The Bishop thought about this for a long time, he read the Bible, he prayed for guidance.

He went to a group of Elders and told them of the couples problem, and together they thought about it, read the Bible, and prayed for guidance.

Finally, the Bishop came back to the young couple with an answer:

"It's okay to have sex on the Sabbath, " he said, "But not standing up - That could lead to dancing!"