Kevin's Watch

Okay, there is a stupid commecial running about a propane talk radio show, where this dude answers all the callers' questions, somehow tying it in with propane. Well, if that idion can do it, then so can I. Ask away, I'm not afraid!

Hello Mr. Propane. My friend has a problem; his girlfriend is going through a tough time now with her body's ability to produce moisture, and she's allegic to Kentucky's state jelly. What should they do?

Boy, that is a tough one, Fixit. I suggest propane; it's cheaper than electricity, and it's guaranteed to heat up any relationship.

I've got a virus on my computer that reboots my system every 30 seconds and deletes my address book and then replaces it with filthy lyrics. What should I do?

Good question, Tom. Have you considered propane? It's cheaper than Norton anti-virus, and once you light it, it'll keep on burning until all viruses have been expunged from your pc. Of course, you'll have to buy a new pc when you're done, but I think you were gonna have to do that anyway. Still, it would be cost-effective to go ahead and roast your thanksgiving turkey over that glorious propane-ps pyre, but be sure not to dry it out too much, or you may end up with Fixit's friend's girlfriend's problem.

I locked my keys in my car! Can you help me?

I cannot personally help you, due to the fact that Tampa is too far from Cape Cod. But, I do have a suggestion; have you considered propane? It's cheaper than a locksmith, you know. Simply purchase a small propane torch, and cut out the door lock. You can replace it if you want, but I'd leave it out in case you leave your keys inside the car again.

Dear Mr. Propane, My neighbor's dog keeps leaving big presents in my yard. I've asked our neighbor to clean up the little treasures but he insists they aren't his responsibility even though I have witnessed the deposits from my window. Help! What shoudl I do?
-Signed, Slightly Over fertilized Lawn

Mr. Propane - they have billboards of you in the state where I live. Is it true that you are really that jaw-droppingly handsome? And that you cook, and clean, and heat things up?

Dear Mr. Propane,
I suffer from insomnia. Is there nothing I can do to help this?

Mr. Propane,

Please, help me. I've fallen and I can't get up.

this damn Clown keeps stalking me...what shall I do?

wolfdreamer wrote:Dear Mr. Propane, My neighbor's dog keeps leaving big presents in my yard. I've asked our neighbor to clean up the little treasures but he insists they aren't his responsibility even though I have witnessed the deposits from my window. Help! What shoudl I do?
-Signed, Slightly Over fertilized Lawn

Have you considered propane? It's cheaper than a dog catcher, and you'll be a hit with the neighborhood children when you offer them fresh, tasty, fire-grilled hotdogs!

duchess of malfi wrote:Mr. Propane - they have billboards of you in the state where I live. Is it true that you are really that jaw-droppingly handsome? And that you cook, and clean, and heat things up?

Well......yes, it's all true.

The Somberlain wrote:Dear Mr. Propane,
I suffer from insomnia. Is there nothing I can do to help this?

I think it's only too obvious that you don't get enough meat in your diet. Several meat products contain a natural sedative, called tryptophan, that helps one sleep, without the weird side-effects caused by valium and/or electro-shock therapy. Anyway, it's now only a matter of how you prepare your meat. Tell me, have you considered propane? It's cheaper than going to the Outback every evening, and a good old backyard grilling is excellent for one's complexion, too.

onewyteduck wrote:Mr. Propane,

Please, help me. I've fallen and I can't get up.

Hmmm.....this is a tricky situation. Have you considered propane? It's cheaper than calling 911. Simply crawl out onto the back porch, and light a signal fire for overhead palnes to see. Heck, not only will you get the help you need, but you'll probably end up with your own Reality Television show.

sgtnull wrote:this damn Clown keeps stalking me...what shall I do?

Have you considered propane? It's a little-known fact that clowns are deathly afraid of fire. Just light one up and the rest will probably leave you alone.

A few weeks after coming back from a great vacation in Amsterdam, I seem to have developed a nasty rash in a very sensitive place, and it really hurts to pee now. Any suggestions?

Wow, sorry to hear that; looks like you're gonna die soon. So, have you considered propane? It's cheaper than a casket, and a pyre will ensure that none of the rest of us catch that disease of yours.....

Wow, thanks for that quick and straight-to-the-point advice. Speaking of funerals, there's one several states today for a friend from high school who passed away suddenly. I'd like to send flowers, but none of the delivery places can get them there in time for the service. Any ideas?