Kevin's Watch

Edit: Will be rewritten.

Great potential LoreMaster, great indeed. Already started to get into it by the end. (Suffered a bit on the mountain climb though, and in the domicile dialogue.)

I think that the judicious bit of copy-editing you'll do as you progress will help too. Have you tried reading it aloud to yourself? Often makes a difference.

If I may be so bold as to offer examples?

Thank-you.
(Suggestions in bold) (Comments in italics)

She recalled from her history classes that there was a time when the Grey Agency...

...after the infamous meeting that morning... (already infamous?)

...urged her on, never happy with anything once she had it for too long. (Deleted "and she was")

...so men tended to either welcome it ending just as much as she did. (either (or what?) )

Clamping the hook through the nail she had just hammered into the glistening black stone, she angled her body to one side and then swung like a pendulum up onto an outcropping of rock under the ledge. (Moved comma)

Anyway, just a few initial thoughts, and I know this is pretty much only a first draft. Even as it stands, I'd read it if it came into my hands, just to find out the "whats" and "whys" that the first chapter raises in my mind, which is always a good thing.

Can't quite make up my mind about the first paragraph though...sometimes it seems to work, sometimes it doesn't. The last 2 or 3 paras definitely work though, every time.

I think this'll be a good book. Can't wait to see it developed and polished. Congrats man.

--Avatar

Avatar wrote:(Suffered a bit on the mountain climb though, and in the domicile dialogue.)

She recalled from her history classes that there was a time when the Grey Agency...

...after the infamous meeting that morning... (already infamous?)

...urged her on, never happy with anything once she had it for too long. (Deleted "and she was")

...so men tended to either welcome it ending just as much as she did. (either (or what?) )

Clamping the hook through the nail she had just hammered into the glistening black stone, she angled her body to one side and then swung like a pendulum up onto an outcropping of rock under the ledge. (Moved comma)

Thanks, Avatar. Yeah some of that is just sloppy editing; especiall the 'either' sentence. The first paragraph is a hard one; I plan to keep the fist line, but as for the nature of it, doesn't really grab me.

Funny thing about the mountain part, I added more just before I posted it. So didn't really do an edit. I'll look at it again and maybe cut it down.

Again, thanks.

Anytime. And feel free to ignore my comments too, they're only one persons opinions, and hasty ones at that.

And like I said, fully aware that this is draft number 1, and that you're going to reread and polish this chapter, oh, given what I know about you, about a million times, before you're finally happy with it, if you ever are.

The best thing for me was that bits of it immediately made me think "Why...is she denied this serum, Why...are they at war" "What...is this or that, What...happened to Earth, etc." It hints at a history that, (because I've read the Xenopaedia's), I know is detailed and elaborate. I've always loved well-built worlds, and well-built universes are even better.

--A

I'm not sure if I'll fully explain everything - exposition and I are not good friends. But most will be. As for Earth, well don't believe everything the history books say - especially when it was written by . . . . .

Better and better...I love secret histories.

--A

Seems pretty good. I got a little distracted halfway through, so might not have taken it in as well as I could (the words "industrial sector" caused something interesting to happen somewhere up in the spaces I keep my story ideas).
Apart from one or two minor grammatical issues (perhaps not even deserving correction - probably a matter of personal taste), this seemed good. Leaves a lot of questions, as Avatar said, and it is perhaps a little bewildering to be dropped into the middle of what seems to be a very complex universe, though I suppose the complexity is what keeps people reading.

Murrin,
It means alot to me to have your approval. Thanks!

I read up to when Mendina had 500 feet to go. I'll read the rest later on.

But from what I read, Loremaster, it was excellent.

Thanks, Spring! It is a long read, and I am tempted to cut it down.

Murrin wrote:...it is perhaps a little bewildering to be dropped into the middle of what seems to be a very complex universe, though I suppose the complexity is what keeps people reading.

Although it can be bewildering, I think that the very "bewilderingness" of it does keep people going, because they'll be looking for the answers to their questions.

The example that comes to mind, (because I'm rereading WoT (Yes I know) ) is the way Jordan would hint at a new race/faction, introduce you slowly to it with more and more snippets of information, then immerse you in it, the start again with a new group. Like the Aiel, SeaFolk, Seanchan, etc.

It's effective, as long as your groups are fascinatingly different. Same works with secret societies, government organisations etc.

--A

Avatar wrote:It's effective, as long as your groups are fascinatingly different. Same works with secret societies, government organisations etc.

--A

That's the key. And also, as I am constantly aware, everything makes sense to me - it's obvious, and therein lies a possible problem with my story: I have 12 billion years of history as well future history worked out, and a complex (I would hope) setting of political intrigue. I know why species X reacted to Y a thousand years ago, and how species Z relates to this now. But because I know it so well, writing about it with no intention (or lapse of attention) of explaining seems natural. I have to be on my guard that I don't keep people out of the loop, or, if I bring them into what's going on, I don't have chapters of exposition.

It's a balance between allowing people working the story out from the hints and actually explaining things.

Oh, and congrats, Avatar; I've just made you a founder of the Inner Union - along with Dr Charlesworth, an african doctor also wrote the Inner Union 'bible'/manifesto. Well done.

12 billion years!

Cool! I founded a Union huh? I hope my ideals and principles of (reasonably) benevolent dictatorship have lived long enough to still be noticable.

--A

Avatar wrote: Cool! I founded a Union huh? I hope my ideals and principles of (reasonably) benevolent dictatorship have lived long enough to still be noticable.

--A

Uh . . . . I hate to break this to you . . . but the character (I admit, an old character of mine - Kemwade Berr - but a nod to you as he is African) is responsible for 2000 years of 'benevolent oppression.'

Sounds good to me, but I'll reserve judgement until I've read him. *bows*

--A

Read the last bits, Lorey, it was good! Well done.

*bows. Thanks, Spring.

Lore: you have hooked me. i must know more. i bit descriptive and i got lost a couple of times. will you have a glossary handy for us?

sgtnull wrote:Lore: you have hooked me. i must know more. i bit descriptive and i got lost a couple of times. will you have a glossary handy for us?

It's funny you should say that; I'm currently finishing off a large book which is an encyclopedia to my setting. There's a timeline (rather large) and a glossary - so far over two hundred entries. So yeah, a glossary will be necessary.

Thanks for your comments, Sgt Null.

Loremaster wrote:along with Dr Charlesworth, an african doctor also wrote the Inner Union 'bible'/manifesto. Well done.

I started reading, but I struggle to read at any length on-screen, so I've printed it to take away with me. When I've completed it, I'll give you my opinions.