Kevin's Watch

If you go to Book-A-Minute, you'll find "ultra-condensed" versions of popular books.

For example: The First Chronicles. The Second Chronicles.

Anyone up for writing some ultra-condensed books of our own?

Kick Off:
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Runes of the Earth, by Stephen R Donaldson

Linden: Lord Foul has my son!

Joan: *bam* *bam*

Linden: Christ, let me think.

(Linden thinks.)

"Lord Mhoram:
Thomas Covenant, you are the savior of The Land.
Thomas Covenant:
Bite me.
(Thomas Covenant saves The Land.)"

"Thomas Covenant
I am the savior of The Land.
Linden Avery
Can I help?
Thomas Covenant
Over my dead body. (dies)
(Linden Avery saves The Land.)"

Hahahaha!

Um...First Harry Potter book:

Harry: I'm a wizard.

Voldie/Quirrel: Die.

Harry: No, you. *gets stone*

Lord of The Rings:

Smeagol: Look I've found a ring!

Sauron: No its mine I'm sending Ringwraiths after you!

Frodo: Look what Bilbo gave me!

Gollum (was Smeagol): Where's my Precious?

Theres lots of fighting and big battles with Elves, Dwarves, Orcs, Trolls, Oliphants, a blow by blow account can be read by consulting the fully unbridged three-volume version, which will take you a jolly long time to read... (or a nine hour long epic film a Peter Jackson Weta Digital film)

Frodo wins wrestling match against Gollum and throws them and ring down Mount Doom.

Second Harry Potter (these are too easy):

Dobby: Don't go to Hogwarts.

(Harry does)

Heir of Slytherin: Mudbloods!

Harry: You are just a memory. Go away.

(Harry saves day)

H.P.Lovecraft's works -

Narrator

I will tell you about something horrific I witnessed.

(Narrator discusses MUNDANE experiences which supposedly lead up to something HORRIFIC.)

Narrator

We're almost at the horrific bit.

(Narrator talks about more stuff that might be SPOOKY if he'd only GET ON WITH IT.)

Narrator

We're very close now.

(Narrator draws it out MORE.)

Narrator

This time I swear we're just about at the horrific thing almost.

(Narrator FINALLY gets to the HORRIFIC thing which is HUGE and POWERFUL and EVIL and LAME.)



THE END

War of the Worlds

Martians

Let's kill people and drink their blood.

(They DO. They DIE.)



Fahrenheit 451
Montag

I burn books.

Clarisse

Read one.

Montag

Ok.

Captain

It's illegal to read books.

Montag

Oh.

(Montag kills Captain, runs away, and joins strange BOOK people. The city is DESTROYED.)



THE END

The Mirror Of Her Dreams

Terisa: I don't matter for anything!

Geraden: The kingdom needs you, my lady Terisa!

Eremis: You have no power and are just another of Geraden's mishaps, my lady Terisa. But we'll both enjoy my seducing you, I promise.

Lebbick: You are the source of evil in Mordant, my lady, and someday I'll pin your crimes on you.

Eremis: Geraden is the Congery's traitor to Mordant.

Geraden: Eremis is the Congery's traitor to Mordant.

Terisa: I know Eremis is the one who's lying.

Geraden: Terisa, I didn't kill my brother. Help me escape!

Lebbick: You've helped a murderer escape! Now, you are mine.

TCTC the musical

When I was young
I never needed anyone
And making love was just for fun
Those days are gone

Living alone
Without Roger, without Joan,
Leprosy is no fun
Everyone runs

Don't wanna be
All by myself
Anymore
um pretty sure …

… Though it’s kinda hard to be really, truly sure, no more couture..


Here again,
Nobody’s home,
I’m on my own,
All by myself, alone


School girl fantasies,
And mini skirts, keeps me from insanity or sanity,
Hard to be sure.

I think of all the friends I've known
But when I dial the telephone
Nobody's home
And well yeah I’m all by myself,
on my own.

Woe is me, I don’t even know if I need to pee,
Can’t feel my toes,
Or my nose or knees
I’m all alone.

Some days I feel so insecure
And loves a non sequitur
and so obscure

Is it the cure

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself
Anymore

I stumble, fall and die,
Nobody’s home,
Nobody cares,
Debbie downer woes

I rape a ho, turns out she’s no foe,
Oh fuck I’m a shit show,
Surrounded by vitality and love
I suck at Moes, oh god my toes

It takes on a life of its own but you have to sing it under a minute say good riddance to tempo

Lol Sky good one

Huckleberry Finn:

Huck - I dont want to get civilized

Jim - take me with you on your raft!

Long raft ride

Alice n Wonderland

Girl falls sunbathing ~ asleep
Dreams of tarts n cards
Wakes up

Jaws

Big shark attacking

the end

Skyweir wrote:TCTC the musical

...

I rape a ho, turns out she’s no foe,
Oh fuck I’m a shit show,
Surrounded by vitality and love
I suck at Moes, oh god my toes

War and Peace

Young Russian nobles: *bored*

Moscow burns.

Everyone dies, except for one, who lays looking up at clouds and decides life isn't so bad after all.

The end. (Oops, several chapters of pontification attached, like a literary forward)

Perfume

Grenouille: Accidentally kills girl who smells good. Bottles that.

Gets famous, is worshipped.

Pours perfume over self, gets eaten.

The end.

The Empire Strikes Back

Son weilding light saber discovers bad guy weilding light saber is his father

Many battles

The Giver, by Lois Lowry

Jonas: (thanks the Community for his childhood, which is now over)

Jonas: OMG colors! (stops taking the pills)

(sees his dad kill a baby, grabs another baby and runs away to Christmas)

The End.

Inception

Guy spinning top wonders if he is in a dream or making a dream or...

many debates or are we all dreaming?

Emma, by Jane Austen


Emma Woodhouse (to herself): "I, clever young rich girl that I am, am a gifted matchmaker!"

Harriet Smith: "Emma, my trusted friend, do you think I should marry Mr. Martin, who has proposed to me?"

Emma: "Harriet, you can't marry him, because he's a commoner farmer, and then I can't visit with you anymore! I'll attach you to Mr. Elton, who's much more suitable!"

Harriet: "Okay, Emma, I trust you."

Mr. Knightly: "Emma, I worked hard to convince Mr. Martin to propose to Harriet. You wrecked a good life for her!"

Mr. Elton: "Emma, I've got the hots for YOU, not Harriet!"

Emma: "Off with you, then. How DARE you not fall in love with Harriet as I intended!"

(Mr. Elton goes off and brings back to town a know-it-all chatty social climber from elsewhere as his wife, who is known in the text only as "Mrs. Elton".)

Mr. Knightly: "Emma, I'm astonished at how well you take all my criticisms and admonishments. I believe I'm in love with you."

Emma: "Well, Mr. Knightly, I think I'm in love with you, too."

(Harriet and Mr. Martin get married, after all.)

(Emma and Mr. Knightly get married in a simple fashion, surrounded by friends, with Mr. Elton, the town vicar, officiating.)

Mrs. Elton (after hearing about the no-frills wedding of Emma from her husband): "What a disgrace they didn't have enough lace and white linen! Their marriage is doomed!"

(Emma and Mr. Knightly turn out to be a perfect match.)

Stephen King generic story...

writer revisits home town

discovers monster

overcomes monster