Political Humor!

[Lord Mhoram]

Saw these on another board.

Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?

Q. How many Bush administrators does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. 1. One to deny that the light bulb needs to be changed.

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed.

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb.

4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are "either for changing the light bulb or living in darkness."

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb.

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing under the banner "Light Bulb Change Accomplished."

7. One administration insider to resign and write a book detailing how the Bush Administration is literally in the dark.

8. One to viciously smear number 7.

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies that George Bush has had a strong light-bulb changing policy all along.

10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.



Anyone have any others?

[Edge]

Q: How do you tell the difference between a liberal and a conservative?
A: Easy. Watch a man drowning fifty feet offshore.

The conservative will throw out 25 feet of rope and shout "swim for it!"

The liberal will toss out 50 feet of rope, drop his own end, and go off to do another good deed.

[caamora]

"President Bush is vacationing in Crawford, Texas. He will be vacationing for five weeks. That's a long time. I don't think he has an exit strategy for his vacation either." —David Letterman

[Lord Mhoram]

Those are good ones, guys.

[jelerak]

...saw this before in an e-mail, don't know if ya'll have come across it before...

*******************************************************

Cows & Politics Explained

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

[caamora]

That is hysterical!!!!!!

[dlbpharmd]

There is a variation of that around here somewhere....

[Cheval]

Hilarious!
Because it's true true.
Actually laughed out loud on that one.
(Now I'm getting strange looks from everyone...)

[safetyjedi]

It's in the joke du jour thread

[Edge]

[Warmark]

[The Laughing Man]

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

(I work for a guy named Nappa...)

[Dragonlily]

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

This is the one I cracked up over. My corporate heads do almost exactly this.

[The Laughing Man]

Then that would make my boss an "Italian American"!

[Plissken]

Blast from the Past:

Reagan goes to Hinkley and gives him a full pardon, saying, "Being the God-Fearing man that I am, I forgive you, and even return to you your gun."

Hinkley stares with dis-belief at Reagan and says, "What's the catch?"

Reagan says, "There's no catch, but you should know that we just found out that Teddy Kennedy's been dating Jody Foster..."

[dlbpharmd]

Good one!

[sindatur]

Well, as long as we're going back in time:

Why aren't dogs allowed in the Whitehouse? Because they chase the Quayles and Pee on the Bushes.

And these two border on raw, so if you find them offensive, ask and they will be deleted:

What's Hilary say to Bill when he's finished with sex? Where have you been?

Why doesn't Clinton play his Sax anymore? Because he's so busy playing his whore-monica.
(just jokes guys, I still have a very favorable view of Clinton's Presidency...)

[onewyteduck]

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.

~~~

Well, there's a very simple answer.

~~~

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

~~~

We just didn't know we were getting low.

~~~

The reason for that is purely geographical.

~~~

Our OIL is located in

~~~

Alaska

~~~

California

~~~

Coastal Florida

~~~

Coastal Louisiana

~~~

Kansas

~~~

Oklahoma

~~~

Pennsylvania and Texas



~~~



~~~

Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC

[onewyteduck]

Look guys, I'm against prayer in school but I gotta admit, this made me laugh......


After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said: "Let me see if I've got this right . .

You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning, and I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.

You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem.

You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.

I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments.

Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap.

I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card. All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!

You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me NOT TO PRAY ???"

[safetyjedi]

Both of those are priceless, Duckie!