Kevin's Watch

Here is the first draft of a poem I composed for an ancient empire in the world I've been creating for the last few years... Remember that english is not my native language, so the metrics could be a little odd

Silent Guardians
From ancient graves
Stone and earth
With raised staves;

And a notched blade
To call to blood
Red on black
Life’s true flood.

Three times three days
To seek for lore
Wisdom and secrets
Of old times of yore.

And a bone white throne
For Death’s visage,
Mettle of spirit
Trial of lineage.

Mark the anointed
Stains in a Stone of Fate;
Awakened, aware,
Eyes that once beheld the Gate.

For your second language, it's damned good. The style and format seems a little stilted to me, the whole ab ab rhyme scheme, but that's a personal preference, and I used to write plenty in that style myself when I first started.

It fits the idea of something old, some sort of prophecy-type remnant though, so I shouldn't think it would be an issue really, since it's set in the context of a novel.

The first "Of" in the third stanza though could be a "From" instead...*shrug* Just a thought.

--A

I like it myself, but the last stanza breaks the flow/style. Nice work, Xar.

Loremaster wrote:I like it myself, but the last stanza breaks the flow/style. Nice work, Xar.

That was actually sort of intended to give a somewhat jarring, possibly strange feeling to the whole poem. My intention was to give it an aura of "alien" antiquity, in a way. Thanks for the comments

Xar wrote:

Loremaster wrote:I like it myself, but the last stanza breaks the flow/style. Nice work, Xar.

That was actually sort of intended to give a somewhat jarring, possibly strange feeling to the whole poem. My intention was to give it an aura of "alien" antiquity, in a way. Thanks for the comments

Ahhh, well I retract my comment, then. Excellent work, my friend.

Here's the link to the short story I'm writing, which is opened by this poem:

kevinswatch.ihugny.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=9184