Kevin's Watch

Please post your comments about my short story, "Ghostblood", in here, so as to avoid flooding the story thread with comments. Opinions and (constructive) criticism are welcome

Here's the story:

kevinswatch.ihugny.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=9184

I also decided to add a small glossary here, in case you need it:

Akun-him (pl. Akun-hem): "The Silent Keepers", ritual guardians of the tombs of past Emperors of Mathklyr. Chosen among the best warriors of their generation, their duty begins with the death of the Emperor, upon which they ritually sacrifice themselves, taking their place as guards of the Emperor's corpse.

Book (of Oinrin-Laurel): A ritual book in every temple of Oinrin-Laurel, in which are inscribed the chosen fates of all young men and women of the surrounding area, during a ceremony to welcome them into adulthood.

Crowning, the: Ceremony of coronation for the Emperors of Mathklyr. It is extremely taxing and extremely esoteric in nature.

Hand of Destiny: The name foreigners give to the great graveyard of Mathklyr, in the imperial capitol. A sevenfold burial, in which the dead are arranged according to their social caste, it holds the mausoleums of almost all the past Emperors, as well as the Stone of Fate where new Emperors are crowned. In Mathklyr, it is known simply as the Necropolis.

kadala: Traditional item worn by women of Mathklyr when in public. It consists of a thin, large-holed net, made out of a thin filigree, that covers the woman's head, with a gemstone hanging on the woman's forehead, denoting her social status, and a semitransparent veil covering the woman's lower face. Upon marriage, the veil is changed with an opaque veil.

katain: Traditional dagger worn by men in Mathklyr, when in public. It is a short, decorated dagger, strictly ceremonial in purpose, with a pommel made out of a gemstone that denotes the man's social class. When the man marries, the hilt is wrapped with red silk.

Kerrethain: Collective name for the deities of Mathklyr.

Laerius: Deity of law and justice. He has no secondary aspects, and is considered a secondary deity among the Kerrethain.

Mathklyr: An ancient Empire that survived several millennia, and is steeped in custom and traditions as strong as law. The reasons behind many of these customs have been forgotten, but no one in Mathklyr would even imagine breaking them.

Necropolis: The name given by Mathklyrians to the great graveyard of their Empire. See "Hand of Destiny".

Oinrin-Laurel: An aspect of the goddess Oinrin, the deity of death and sovereignty. Oinrin-Laurel is the aspect linked to fate and destiny, and it is the aspect invoked during the ceremony of adulthood, on the nineteenth naming day of all Mathklyrian boys and the seventeenth naming day of all Mathklyrian girls.

Stone of Fate: A black, red-veined stone of mysterious origin, the place where new Emperors are traditionally crowned. It sits in the Hand of Destiny.

Warshifter: Elite tacticians and strategists, as well as exceptional military leaders. One of the two most exalted positions a member of the army could ever hope to achieve, the other being Akun-him.

I like it a lot. I look forward to seeing more of your work.
Honestly, I don't have any criticism to make of what's been posted so far.

nice! very nice beginning!!! i'm interested already!

thanks so much for posting!

Have only barely skimmed it. Will definitely give it a good read as soon as I have the time.

--A

I'm enjoying your story so far Xar, but I'm beginning to feel that the language might be a little formal for a first-person narrative.
A couple of things in the last chapter posted:

no sane person would have admitted such an insane wish for a fate that could never be her own.

This line seems a little hard to follow, it would perhaps benefit from shortening. I'm not sure about the use of 'no sane person', 'insane wish' and 'could never be', might be a little redundancy there.

Tense issue:

That would have been something!

This line ends a section written entirely in the future tense - it should probably read 'That would be something!'.
I also think that the word 'paradigm' stuck out a little early on in the chapter.

Thanks for the tips, Murrin!

Ah, by the way:

Murrin wrote:I'm enjoying your story so far Xar, but I'm beginning to feel that the language might be a little formal for a first-person narrative.

That's intentional; it's supposed to reinforce the extremely formalized and regimented society both Alric and Elis are born in. It's a way to reinforce the feeling that the Empire is a static entity, creaking under the weight of custom, law, and tradition, to the point that even the language resists evolution.

There is also another reason for the formality of the language, but I can't tell right now

You don't disappoint. Nice chapter. Once again a couple of teeny little things:

claiming that I was too important for me to die on that battlefield!

I'd say drop the 'for me'.

I wanted to become a Warshifter, and rise among the castes

Entirely personal taste, this one: the rhythm of this section seems thrown slightly off by 'wanted' - I'd switch to a one syllable word, such as 'wished'.


I also wanted to bring up a thought on the structure of the story as a whole. It's early to judge, but I'm wondering about alternating chapters between your two main characters. There is a different 'feel' to each, and of course there is discontinuity between the two timelines. Have you considered telling the two PoVs seperately up until the stories begin to converge?

Once again, thanks for the tips!

As for the discontinuity: I have considered writing first about Alric and then about Elis, until the storylines converge; but I have realized that in this case, it wouldn't be as effective. The time discontinuity is going to be addressed shortly; but the alternating chapters are meant to show their parallel lives - once again, for reasons that might become evident once the story is over.

Ok, for any who might still be reading the story, we're about to get to the important part

Well, I have finished writing the "Ghostblood" story, but now I am unsure as to whether to continue it here. The translation part wouldn't be too bothersome, but I'm afraid it's become a bit too long (the thread which presents the story, here in the forum, is only about half the length of the full story), plus I can't help but keep wondering if people still like it so far... the last comments are pretty much dated

Anyway, if someone still wants to read it, please let me know here, so I can maybe decide to translate the rest and publish it Alternatively, if Ghostblood has lots of secret fans, petition the Anthology committee to waive the 20,000 words clause, and I'll submit the whole story there